among the more than 2, children I have taken, there are many children who are not confident. Then people always feel insecure, so they should praise them more.
However, there will be totally different results. Some children praise better, while others praise more, drift more, and feel less confident. It's all praise. Why?
Psychologists soon discovered this secret, and praise can be divided into good praise and bad praise.
tell a story about a student I took.
Keke is a boy with a small voice. He has good grades in a famous primary school in Shanghai, but he is not confident. Mom said that she would cry as soon as she said it. Just reminding him not to eat only meat, but to order more food, the child's tears were in his eyes on the spot and he was greatly wronged. Mom said, is it because I praised too much when I was a child, but blx?
2 Why can't praise cultivate children's self-confidence?
Carol Dwek, a famous developmental psychologist at Stanford University, and her team have been studying the influence of praise on children for 1 years. They made a long-term study of 4 fifth-grade students in 2 schools in new york.
In the experiment, they asked the children to complete a series of puzzles independently. First of all, the researchers only called one child from the classroom at a time. The test topic was a very simple puzzle, and almost all the children could complete the task quite well.
after each child completed the test, the researchers randomly divided the children into two groups. One group of children got a compliment about IQ, that is, praise, for example, "You are very talented in puzzles, and you are very smart." Another group of children got a compliment about hard work, that is, encouragement, such as, "You must have worked very hard just now, so you did very well."
the second round: when faced with different difficulty tests, the "smart group" mostly chose simple tasks; And 9% of the "effort group" chose more difficult tasks.
the third round: a very difficult test. The children all failed. Those children who have been praised for their hard work think that they failed because they didn't work hard enough. "These children are very involved in the test and try to solve the problem in various ways. Several children told me:' This is my favorite test.' "And those children who are praised as smart believe that they fail because they are not smart enough. They have been very nervous in the test, scratching their heads and feeling depressed when they can't do the questions.
the fourth round: the topic is as simple as the first round. Those children who are praised for their hard work have improved their scores by about 3% in this test compared with the first time. And those children who are praised for being smart, this time, compared with the first time, their scores have dropped by about 2%.
from this experiment, we found that praising cleverness is bad praise; Praise efforts and process is good praise.
Because praising efforts and processes will form growth thinking, praising cleverness will make children have fixed thinking.
That's why parents say, "The child is actually very smart, but he just doesn't work hard. If he works hard, he is sure that his grades will go up. " But children still don't work hard, which is to develop a fixed thinking.
3 then how to give children a good praise?
Good praise is also called concrete praise, which can cultivate children with growth thinking more easily.
For example, the child cleaned the room by himself today. As a parent, how can you encourage it?
1. Say the result
-"I found that you have tidied your room today, and now it is brand-new. Well done! "
2. Tell the reason (specific details)
-"You not only folded all the clothes on the bed, but also arranged all the books on the desk neatly, which is great!" The more specific you are, the more the child knows how to repeat this behavior next time, and also knows which behaviors are praised, which can motivate him to repeat this behavior.
3. Talking about internal personality traits
-"I can see that you are a very responsible person (hardworking, diligent ...)" When praising, parents should talk more about personality traits, while when criticizing, they should talk about behavior and avoid talking about personality traits.
4. Talking about the positive influence
-"Parents are very happy to have a child like you."
in one go, it becomes "I see that you have tidied your room today, and now the room is brand-new. Well done! You not only folded all the clothes on the bed, but also arranged all the books on the desk neatly. That's great! I can see that you are a very responsible person. My parents feel very happy to have a child like you. "
Angela Duckworth, a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania in the United States, said: "It is not the beautiful appearance, social intelligence and high IQ that determine whether a child can succeed in the future, but the tough character and tenacious perseverance, and the ability to resist pressure and setbacks. Parents' casual praise makes children lose the most precious character of "tenacity". "
parents should learn to use good praise to make their children form a tough character.
First of all, we should understand the psychological activities of children at their age. Because children are brought up by their parents since childhood, generally speaking, mothers have a greater influence on children, so children will rely on their parents psychologically.
As children grow up, they will have the ability to accomplish some things independently. At this time, it is particularly important for adults to guide children, because children don't know the influence behind some responsibilities. When they can't accomplish some things independently or fail, they won't look for reasons from themselves, but will blame others by crying or yelling. Then, when they experience this situation, they must know how to guide them and never condone them. Therefore, when children encounter this situation, they can communicate with them first to let them know and cultivate some sense of responsibility, which will improve their enthusiasm, recognize their own problems and improve their ability to solve problems.
Every child's first time is very important, and we must pay attention to it. When this happens to children, we should encourage each other with a positive heart and give them some praise, which will build their self-confidence, because every time a child has an indelible impact on their development. No matter what, the first time you give positive praise, establish a positive attitude and self-confidence of your child, then you can do it well the first time and the second time.
However, children's bad habits must be guided, because children make mistakes the first time, and parents don't pay attention to them and don't guide them, then there will be mistakes for the second time, and what we often say is acquired nature.
Therefore, for children, the positive attitude is to give affirmation and praise, so that children can feel that what I do is feasible, and they will constantly build their self-confidence, constantly cultivate their hands-on ability and problem-solving ability, and they will bravely do their own thing because they know it is feasible. On the other hand, if you do something wrong, you should guide them so that children can realize their mistakes and will not repeat them for the second time.
We always think that praise can help children build up their self-confidence and make them perform better, but in psychology, most of them hold a negative attitude towards this view.
Adler believes that praise and reward are an evaluation of the incompetent by the capable. What the child feels from your praise is a condescending evaluation, and he will pay more attention to his own weak and incompetent mental state and his urgent need for others' affirmation.
developmental psychology believes that praise may lead to more bad behaviors.
When you say "You are a good boy" to your child, the child may not fully agree with you. Because children often have some thoughts that destroy everything, some emotions that are not handled in time become potential anger inside, which makes him want to destroy. When you think he is a good boy, he will feel ashamed and get more angry. You will be surprised to find that he began to sabotage shortly after you praised him.
When you say "You are so smart" to your children, they may become more and more unwilling to accept difficult tasks and too afraid of failure. If you don't do it, you won't fail. The worst thing is to tell a child that "you are smart, but you just don't want to study hard", so it is very likely that he will never study hard. If he still fails to make progress after working hard, people will think that the reason is not "studying hard" but "I am stupid". He needs to always maintain a sense of superiority of "intelligence" and will not risk losing it.
It is not impossible to praise children, but there is a rule that must be observed: praise children's efforts and behaviors, and don't evaluate their personality and character.
What we can do is to help children see the relationship between their efforts and their achievements. The evaluation of themselves is not given by us, but the children's inner view of themselves formed by thinking about events. When the mother says, "I saw that you finished your homework one by one in an orderly way, and it didn't delay our time to go to the movies at all", the child will think, "I can finish the task in a planned way and have time management ability".
don't judge, but respect and understand. Don't give empty compliments, but give a clear and detailed description.
Correct praise is very meaningful for children, but too much praise is really bad for children. First, breed pride. For children who are always in praise, pride is the most easily formed psychology. The formation of this kind of pride is very bad for children's growth. It will make children become arrogant and arrogant. Being in this state for a long time will make children become indifferent. Second, can't face failure. Proud people are easy to fail, and so are children's studies. In the face of sudden failure, they will feel humiliated, especially the students who have always been praised will be accused by teachers, instructed by students and even scolded by parents, which will make children on the verge of collapse. Third, lonely interpersonal relationships. Being praised all the time, this environment will make many children afraid or unwilling to contact the good students in the mouth of these teachers. Therefore, these children are lonely in their studies. They don't have their best friends, and their lonely psychology will gradually form. Therefore, there must be a range of praise for children. Excessive praise is harmful to children. Praise must be generous when it is time to praise, and criticize when it is time to criticize.
First of all, it can play a positive role. It would be better if the praise can be more specific, such as one thing and one detail, which can give specific praise content!