Conversation between ghosts and gods
Ai Liao passed by a temple. I saw a pedestrian who couldn't cross a ditch in front of the temple, so he moved the statue of the god in the temple onto it and stepped across it. Then another person came, and when he saw that the statue was being damaged, he lamented
incessantly. Then he picked up the statue, wiped it clean with his clothes, carried it back to the altar, and kowtowed to greet him
< p>Leave.After a while, Ai Zi heard the kid in the temple say: "The king is a god. He should bring trouble to those who insulted you and punish them."
God said: "If you want to bring disaster, it should be given to the person who comes after you."
The kid said: "Why? It's not that the person insulted the king before, but the person later treated the king with respect< /p>
"
God said: "The man didn't believe in God before, so how could he cause trouble?"
After hearing this, Ai Zi said: "It turns out that ghosts and gods are also afraid of powerful people!"
Eating meat is smart
Next to Ai Zi's house, all the ordinary people of Qi live. One said: "I and the ministers of Qi are both human beings. Why are they smart and I am not smart?" The other said: "They usually eat every day." Meat, so we are smart; we usually eat coarse vegetables and light rice every day, so we are not smart." Some people didn't believe this, so they made a bet with them and bought meat for them to eat.
A few days later, both of them said they were really smart. One said: "After eating meat, I understood many things. For example, why do people's feet move forward? It's because they are afraid of being stepped on by people behind them."
Another said: "I also understand a lot of things. I think it is very reasonable for a person's nose to be downward. If
it is upward, wouldn't water be poured in when it rains?"
Ai Zi sighed and said: "I think they were quite understanding before, but now they are stupid to eat meat."
Misfortune comes from the mouth
Ai Zi has a high fever , sleepwalking in the underworld, I saw King Yama ascending to the court to ask questions.
A few ghosts carried a man and said, "This man has done all kinds of evil things in the world of the sun."
The King of Hell ordered: "Burn it with 50 billion kilograms of firewood." Cook."
The Minotaur came up to escort him. The man poked his head in private and asked the Minotaur: "Since you are in charge of the prison, why are you wearing such tattered leopard skin pants?"
The Minotaur said: "I wonder if there are no leopards?" The skin can only be obtained if someone in the world burns it."
The man immediately said: "My uncle's family specializes in hunting. There are many such skins. If you are willing to show mercy, reduce them.
Chai, if I can go back alive, I will burn 10 leopard skins for you."
The Minotaur Ghost was overjoyed and agreed to subtract the word "billion". When cooking, it is just a formality.
When the man was about to return, the Minotaur Ghost warned: "Don't forget the leopard skin!"
The man turned back to the Minotaur Ghost and said, "I have a poem. I want to give it to you: The master of the Bull-headed Prison knows that the power is with the King of Hell but not the king. It is okay to deduct the official firewood, and even ask for the leopard skin in vain." The Bull-headed Ghost was furious and threw him.
< p>Put it into a pot of boiling water, add more firewood and start cooking.After Ai Zi woke up, he said to his disciples: "You must believe that the mouth is the door to disaster!"
Ambition and ambition
There are two poor people Scholars talked to each other about their ambitions.
One said: "I have never been rich in my life. I just want to have enough food and sleep. In the future
if I succeed one day, I will definitely have enough food. I sleep after I have had enough sleep, and eat after I have had enough sleep.”
The other said: “I am different from you. I must eat before I have enough time, so I have no time to sleep.
Yeah! ”
Three old people playing against each other
Three old people met together, and someone asked them their ages.
An old man boasted: "It's hard to remember how old I am, I only remember when I was young
Zeng and Pangu (the god who created the world in myths and legends) We have had friendship."
Not to be outdone, another old man said: "Every time the sea turns into a field, I write down a chip. Now I have put my chips away. It has filled 10 rooms."
The last old man twirled his beard and said slowly: "The peach cores I eat every year are thrown away at the foot of Kunlun Mountain. Now, they are piled as high as the Kunlun Mountains."
The Door God Dissuades the Fight
Taofu (the names of gods were written on peach boards on New Year's Day in the old days to ward off evil spirits) looked up at Ai Ren (the old days) During the Dragon Boat Festival, people who pricked mugwort with disinfectant gas scolded: "How stupid are you to dare to be above me?"
Ai Ren bent down and replied. : "You are already half dead (from New Year's Day to May 5th, which is about half a year, so you are said to have lived half of your life). Do you still have the nerve to compete with me for superiority and inferiority?"
Taofu was furious and argued endlessly with Ai Ren. The door god advised: "People like us are now living our lives depending on other people's families, so what time do we have to fight for leisure!"
Folk remedies to cure diseases
There was a doctor Liu in the Song Dynasty who was good at treating people with folk prescriptions, and was known as "Liu's folk prescription".
Once, Su Dongpo went to visit him. As soon as he sat down, a patient came. The patient said that he encountered a strong wind on a boat and became frightened and became ill. Liu Pian conveniently said: "Go back and find the handle of an old ship's rudder, bake it over a fire, add cinnabar and poria, grind it into fine powder, and take it with boiled water." The patient was puzzled. Yes, please consult a doctor. Liu
The folk remedy said proudly: "The wonderful thing is here. The rudder handle of the old ship is the place where the master holds it. Over time
the sweat on his hands seeps into the wood. Li; Shao Gong is best at fighting with wind and waves, so it can cure water phobia
Wind syndrome."
Su Dongpo was secretly amused. After the patient left, he deliberately asked Liu about the folk prescription: "I have a patient at home who suffers from constant night sweats at night and the three quilts are soaked. What medicine should be used to treat him?"
Liu folk prescription said without thinking: "All you need to do is find a few old banana fans, dry them, grind them into powder, drink them and keep the medicine until the disease is cured!" Su Dongpo said with a smile: "As you say, burn the pen and ink to ashes and let an illiterate person drink it, and he will be able to write articles immediately; let a coward lick Fan Kuai's shield, and he will He immediately became brave and told an ugly man to become handsome once he heard the earrings Xi Shi wore."
Liu? After listening to the folk prescription, he was surprised and said: "Unexpectedly, Duke Dongpo was also a famous doctor!"
Where did the sound come from?
A asked B: "The sound is caused by the impact of wood on a bronze bell. "Sound, is this sound made of wood or copper?" B said: "Of course it is made of copper. If you hit the low wall with a hammer, it won't happen." Make a sound."
A said: "Not necessarily. If you hit the accumulated copper coins with a wooden stick, there will be no sound."
B was dissatisfied and said: "The bell is empty and the copper coins are empty. It is a solid object. To be precise, the sound comes from something in the void."
A retorted: "Can a bell made of wood or clay also make a sound? ”
The two of them fought until their throats became hoarse and they could no longer make a sound.
A minor illness can be cured
When someone catches a slight cold and coughs, he becomes very nervous and rushes to seek medical advice. The doctor diagnosed him with a poisonous disease and gave him medication to attack his kidneys and stomach, and prohibited him from eating delicious food. After one month, the disease-free body fell down
Severe diseases broke out, just like those suffering from poisonous diseases. The man quickly sought treatment from another doctor. The doctor diagnosed it as internal heat disease and gave me cold medicine. As a result, I had vomiting and diarrhea, and I couldn't even eat. He became frightened, and
hurriedly switched to hot medicine, and ate the stalactites, black rafters, etc. indiscriminately. Symptoms of carbuncles, scabies
and dizziness appeared all over his body. All kinds of diseases are coming.
Cunning Rat
Su Zi was sitting and resting at night, and there was a mouse biting something. As soon as he slapped the bed board, the biting stopped, but soon he started biting again. Su Zi asked the boy to take a candle and shine it, and found that the biting sound came from an empty bag.
It turns out that the mouse was locked in the pocket and couldn't escape.
When he opened the pocket, he only found a dead mouse. The boy was surprised and said: "I was chewing something just now. How could it die suddenly? It couldn't be a ghost." The sound it makes, right?" After saying that, he turned through his pocket and poured it out. The mouse ran away as soon as it hit the ground.
Su Zi sighed and said: "Cunning people can often survive in desperate situations!"
The pufferfish shows its power
The pufferfish is very angry. Once, a puffer fish was playing under the bridge and accidentally bumped into the bridge pier.
It almost crushed its head. So, he glared and opened his cheeks, cursing the bridge pier for not having eyesight and bumping into my head. Other fish
persuaded them one after another, but the pufferfish not only refused to listen, but instead acted in a show of authority. Its belly was bulging, its fin spines
stood up sharply, and it remained motionless. He stood on the water and pretended to be dead. At this time, an osprey quickly swam over and swallowed it in one bite.
Squid miscalculation
Squid are good at entering black water, and use it to protect themselves from attacks by other fish. Gradually, it became proud and often deliberately went to the beach to play with seabirds. One day, a seagull was flying low along the coast to feed
when he suddenly saw a mass of black water not far from the shore. After careful observation, he found that the black water moved from time to time, so he concluded
This is a swimming fish. While the squid was enjoying playing with the seabird, the seagull swooped down and snatched the squid away in one gulp.
Learning to swim on the shore
There is a brave northerner who is very skillful in riding and dismounting. He is not afraid of anything except not being able to swim
Every time I always feel envious when I see people stabbing in the water as deftly as a fish, so I go to ask for advice. Others told him the swimming methods such as paddling, breathing, etc. After hearing this, he felt that it was too simple, so he ran to the river and jumped into the water. Unexpectedly, I lost my head all of a sudden. I forgot all the essentials that I had memorized before I used them, and I was left struggling in a hurry. Then I drank a few mouthfuls of water, and soon I ran out of breath.
The father is stupid and the son is stupid
There was a rich man in Qi State whose son was stupid. One day, Ai Zi said to him: "Your son is ignorant of worldly affairs.
How can he inherit your family wealth in the future?"
The rich man was very unhappy and said: "I His son is very smart!"
Ai Zi said: "Then you ask him where the rice he eats comes from? If the answer is correct, then I am wrong. "
The rich man called his son for questioning. The son laughed and said, "Don't I know this? I always get it from the cloth bag."
p>
The rich man turned pale in anger and said, "You are so stupid. Didn't the rice come from the fields?"
Ai Zi said: "Haha! The fields will grow on their own. Come out? It seems that a father like you would not be able to give birth to such a son!"
Ai Zi Qiu Fang
Ai Zi Serve King Xuan. One day, when he met the king, he looked worried. King Xuan felt strange and asked Aizi why. Aizi replied: "My child suddenly fell ill. I wanted to come and tell you, the king, but I had other things to worry about< /p>
Younger, so I’m embarrassed to speak. Although I’m in the court now, I’m still thinking about my son.”
King Xuan said, “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I have good medicine. It can be said that the medicine cures the disease." So he sent someone to bring it and gave it to Ai Zi. Ai Zi came back with thanks and asked his son to take it. Two or three hours later, his son died.
The next morning, Ai Zi was very sad when he went to court. King Xuan asked Ai Zi again, and then he looked sad and said:
"You are very sad after losing your son, I decided to give you gold." Help with the burial."
Ai Zi said: "My death is not enough to receive the reward from the king, but I have something to ask for from you." King Xuan asked what it was, and Ai Zi said. Answer: "I only ask for the good prescription that the king gave to the child the day before yesterday."
.
The Braggart King
Gongsun Long loves to brag. Once when he met King Zhao Wen, he boasted that he had caught several turtles in a row.
King Wen said: "I have never seen the turtles in the South China Sea. I just want to tell you what happened in our Zhao country.
I have been to Zhenyang. There were two children there, one named Zuo Bo and one named Zuo Bo. Once, they were playing on the Bohai Sea. After a while, a group of Dapeng flew over and the car went to the sea to catch them. /p>
Dapeng, he caught it as soon as he stretched out his hand. The deepest part of the Bohai Sea was just below the calf in the car.
Dapeng didn’t find anything, so he just took Uncle Zuo’s handkerchief. Come to pretend to be Dapeng. Uncle Zuo was furious and fought with the car for a long time. After seeing the mother in the car, he dragged the car back and Uncle Zuo raised the Taihang Mountain Throw. >
In the car, it was thrown into the eyes of the mother in the car. The mother in the car only felt that her eyes were darkened, as if
a grain of dust had been blown in, so she rubbed it with her hands and said A shot to the northwest disrupted Dahang Mountain, and the stone that popped up was the current Hengshan Mountain. Haven't you seen it?
Gongsun Long was immediately discouraged after hearing this. , I had to bow and leave. When his disciple saw it, he said: "Hey, sir, you always use big words to show off to others. How can you be confused by big words?" ”
It stumped Huali
Tianba was good at discerning. Once, Tianba’s disciple Qinhuali met an old woman on the road. The old woman bowed and asked:
p>“Aren’t you a disciple of Tian Ba? You must be as good at discerning as Tian Ba. The old woman has a question and wants to ask you
for advice. "
Huali said: "You tell me.
The old woman said: "The horse's mane grows upward and short, and the horse's tail grows downward and long. What is the reason for this?" ,,
Qin Huali smiled and said: "You don't know such a simple thing? If the horse's mane is raised upward, it will be shorter if it goes against the trend.
If the horse's tail hangs down, it will be long if it goes with the trend. ”
The old woman added: “But people’s hair also tilts upward, which is against the trend, so why does it grow? "Short?"
Qin Huali couldn't answer for a while.
The frog is angry
Once upon a time, the Dragon King met a frog on the seashore. The Dragon King asked the frog: "What will happen to you when you are happy and angry?"
The frog said: "When I like it, I will chirp loudly in the clear breeze and bright moonlit night; when I am angry, I will do it.
< p>First the eyes become big and protruding, then the belly becomes bulging, and finally the belly becomes distended and deflated"
Youwei fearful of death
Ai Zi floated on the sea and stayed on an island at night. I heard crying under the water, so
I listened carefully.
The voice said: "Yesterday, the Dragon King ordered that all aquatic animals with tails be beheaded. I am a turtle.
So I am afraid of beheading and cry, but you toads are not. Tails, why are you crying too? ...
Another one replied: "I'm lucky to have no tail today, I'm just afraid of being held accountable for having a tail when I was a tadpole." ! "
The same age next year
Ai Zi left Handan City and saw two old ladies giving way to each other on the road. One of them asked:
"How old are you? How old are you? "
Another answer: "A full 70 years old.
"
The person who asked then said: "I am 69 years old this year. Next year, I will be the same age as you..."
The Prime Minister Qian Zhong
Qi Guoyou He was an old minister who had been an official for several dynasties and had extensive knowledge. All major national affairs were decided by him.
One day, the king of Qi ordered a 5,000-jin weight to be moved. It is estimated that 500 people were needed to move the bell. At that time, Qi State was short of manpower and the person in charge was at a loss. The prime minister said: "Hey, it's just a trivial matter. Why is it so difficult?" Since it takes 500 people to move the clock, we can cut it into 500 small pieces and send one person to move it within 500 days. ”
The supervisor immediately understood and happily complied with the request.
He became addicted to fighting blindly
There was a man from Yingqiu who, although he had little knowledge, , but always likes to argue with others.
One day, I asked Ai Zi: "There are bells hanging under the carts and on the necks of the camels. Why is this?
Why?" "
Ai Zi said: "Carts and camels are very big things. If they don't hang bells when walking at night, they will have no time to get out of the way when they meet on a narrow road. The sound of the bells can Remind the other party to prepare early. ”
The people from Yingqiu asked again: “Is the bell hanging on the tower also to tell people to prepare to give way?” ..."
Ai Zi laughed at his ignorance and replied, "Birds like to make nests in high places. The bird droppings are very dirty and bells are hung on the towers.
As soon as the wind blows and the bell rings, the crows are frightened away. "
Yingqiu people also asked: "Eagles and harriers also have bells on their tails. How can any bird build a nest on the tail of an eagle or a harrier? "
Ai Zi laughed and said, "You are so unreasonable and strange! When a hawk goes out to catch birds, the ropes tied to its feathers will get tangled on the branches; if it flaps its wings, the bells will jingle
'Ring it, people can follow the sound and find it. How can you say that it is to prevent birds from making nests
? "
Yingqiu still asked: "I have seen the funeral bearers ringing bells in their hands and singing songs in their mouths. Is it because they are afraid of being tripped?
On a branch? "
Ai Zi was a little angry and said: "The groom is there to clear the way for the dead, just for this dead man's life.
I used to like to fight with others, so I shook the bell. Let him have fun! "
The Xie Zhi is good at distinguishing
King Xuan of Qi asked Ai Zi: "I heard that in ancient times there was an animal called the Xie Zhi. Are you familiar with it? "
Ai Zi replied: "When Yao was emperor, there was a ferocious beast called the Xie animal, which was kept in the palace. It could
distinguish between good and bad. If it found treacherous officials, it would be punished. Knock him down with your horns and eat him. "
Ai Zi paused and then said with emotion: "If there is still such a beast in the court today, I
I don't think it will have to look for other food! ”
Half the ferry fare
Once upon a time, a man walked to Pengmen, and then reached Luliang. He was exhausted. There happened to be 50 Wen left in his bag
He came to the dock and wanted to hire a boat. He heard that he only had 50 yuan, so he said to the guest: "From here to Pengmen, the boat fee is only 50 yuan." 100 articles. Seeing that you are young and still have strength, let's make friends. That's it, you can stretch your hair for me on the shore, and when you get to Pengmen, I'll only charge you half of the boat fare. "
The Dragon King chooses a son-in-law
One night, the Dragon King of the East China Sea entrusted Ai Zi with a dream and asked him to find a son-in-law with a gentle temperament. Ai Zi
said: " It is better to choose aquatic species. "The Dragon King said yes.
Ai Zi said, "Let's find a fish - fish are greedy for fish food and are easy to be caught. Besides, they don't have any
hands and feet; find a fish. Let’s go for a turtle – although it has arms and legs, but it doesn’t look good; let’s find a crab – it may have a good-looking appearance, complete hands and feet, and is cute and domineering. I think the most suitable one is Xixia. "
The Dragon King frowned and said: "Isn't the status of the shrimp not too low? "
Ai Zi replied: "You can't say that. Shrimps have at least three virtues: firstly, they have no intestines; secondly, they do not bleed when cut; thirdly,
the heads can hold dirt. ”
Peng Zu’s Wife
Once, Ai Zi went out and saw a gray-haired old woman crying on the side of the road. Ai Zi asked:
"Why are you crying so sadly? "
The old woman replied: "My husband is dead. "
Ai Zi asked again: "Who is the husband? "
"Peng Zu. "
"Peng Zushou died at the age of 800, which is not too short. Why are you so sad?
The old woman said: "Death at the age of 800 is certainly not a short time, but there are still people in the world who live to be 900 years old. How can I feel at ease!" "
Interesting advice from actors
During the Five Dynasties, Emperor Zhuangzong Li Cunxun of the Later Tang Dynasty once went hunting in Zhongmu County. On the way, the cavalry trampled on the fields of the common people. Zhongmu County Ling stopped the horse's head and said to Zhuang Zong: "Your Majesty, the people depend on food. All their blood and sweat are on this farmland. They must not be trampled on at will!" "
Zhuang Zong angrily shouted: "Get out! "With that said, he raised his whip and rode away.
The accompanying actor Jing Xinmo caught up with the county magistrate, brought him to Zhuang Zong, and said to the county magistrate: "You are
a county magistrate. Don't you know that our emperor Is it easy to hunt? Why do you allow the common people to grow crops for taxes? Why don't you starve the common people and empty the land for our emperor to ride and hunt?
What a sin! Die!" After saying this, he asked Zhuang Zong to sentence the county magistrate to death.
Zhuang Zong laughed loudly and ordered the county magistrate to be released. Some actors who echoed Jing Xinmo deliberately asked Zhuangzong why he released the county magistrate. Zhuangzong said: "Jing Xinmo is mocking me. His opinion is right. I know it.
< p>Wrong!"Zhi Da Huang
One day, Li Cunxun, the emperor of the Five Dynasties of the Later Tang Dynasty who loved literature and art, was watching actors rehearsing a play in the palace. Suddenly,
He shouted loudly: "Li Tianxia, ??Li Tianxia, ??where are you?
At this time, the actor Jing Xinmo slapped him in the face, and the emperor was at a loss. The civil and military officials and actors were shocked, and they all rushed to question Jing Xinmo.
Jing Xinmo replied: "There is only one person in charge of the world, why should we do it?" Calling others, can two people rule the world?
Can two people rule the world? ”
The emperor turned his anger into joy and rewarded him.
Joke to save life
Once, when Jing Xinmo went to see Zhuang Zong, a vicious dog suddenly killed him Surrounded. He leaned against the pillar and shouted: "Your Majesty, don't allow your children to bite! "Because Zhuang Zong is from Beidi, a minority, and it is taboo to talk about dogs when talking, so Jing Xinmo used this to mock Zhuang Zong." Zhuang Zong was furious and drew his bow to draw the arrow. Ready to shoot. Jing Xinmo shouted urgently: "Your Majesty, don't kill me! Your Majesty and I are one, so it is unlucky to kill your ministers!" Zhuangzong asked in surprise: "Why? ?"
He replied: "Didn't your Majesty change the name of the country to 'Tongguang' when he founded the country? People all over the world call your Majesty 'Tongguang Emperor'. 'Tong' is the 'copper' of copper and iron; this 'copper' is polished.
If Jing Xinmo is killed, the 'tong' (copper) will be dull! ,
Zhuang Zong laughed and put down his bow and arrow.
Interesting about the price of boots
Prime Minister Feng Dao and He Ning were working together in Zhongshu Province. One day, He Ning asked Feng Dao: "Your boots are new, right? How much do they cost?" "
Feng Dao raised his left foot to show He Ning the boots and said, "900." "
He Ning was impatient and immediately glared at the official and said, "Why do my boots cost 1,800?" "So he scolded
for a long time.
At this time, Feng Dao calmly raised his right foot and said to He Ning, "This one is also worth it. 900 miles. ”
Then the whole crowd burst into laughter.
Stealing things for rewards
Qian Sigong came from a wealthy family, but he was very frugal and frugal. He had a coral penholder. He cherished it very much and often put it on his desk. When someone among his disciples asked for money, he stole the pen holder and hid it.
Qian Sigong lost the pen holder. Unhappy, he posted a notice at home, offering to pay 10,000 yuan to redeem the pen holder. Two days later, the disciple who stole the pen holder pretended to have found the pen holder and brought it to Qian Sigong. So
I got 10,000 yuan. Later, someone among the disciples asked for money and took away the pen holder.
This happened several times a year, but Qian Sigong never understood the mystery
Fat Ox and Thin Monkey
When Yan Shu took office in Nanjing, there were two staff members he respected in the government office, named Zhang Yuan and Wang. Dian.
Zhang Yuan is fat, and Wang Dian calls him an ox; Wang Qi is lean, and Zhang Yuan calls him a monkey.
The two often tease each other. Once, they talked again.
Wang Qi said: "Zhang Yuan hit the wall and formed a horoscope. "
Zhang Yuan retorted and said: "Wang Dian looked at the moon and shouted three times. "Everyone in the house laughed.
Sun is just lucky
Sun is famous for his writing. He wrote two "Lishan Poems" at one time. There are two sentences in the second one:< /p>
“The tomb of Emperor Qin was completed and Chen Shengqi came up, and the palace of the Ming Dynasty came to Lushan. ”
At that time, Zhenzong of the Song Dynasty was building Yu Qingzhao Ying Palace. There was a person who hated Sun Ji and wanted to slander him.
So he recorded two poems and sent them to the emperor. .
Zhenzong of the Song Dynasty read the first poem and saw the sentence "The officials in Zhuyi lead them up to Mount Li", so he said: "Sun Yi
is not very powerful, so what's the point? Worth bragging about! "Just put it aside and stopped reading, so the words about Chen Sheng and An Lu
Shan were finally not seen by Zhenzong. Sun was just lucky, and the villain was in vain.