Intimate relationship
I don't want to narrowly define intimate relationship as male-female relationship or family member relationship, although it does occupy the largest proportion in the field of intimate relationship. If you like, you can still establish close relationships with friends and even colleagues and partners. Therefore, intimacy here refers to the continuous and stable communication relationship with others, with close emotional interaction.
Psychological research holds that intimacy is very important, not only because most people with good intimacy are healthy, happy and happy, but also because intimacy is an important way to realize self-cognition. Through intimate relationship, self-awareness is formed and self-worth is realized. It is difficult for people without intimate relationship to form a stable and harmonious self-cognition.
How is intimacy established? Some people classify intimacy as a biological ability, for example, people who are related by blood will naturally establish intimacy; Or it is determined by some innate factors. For example, people who believe in constellation theory will think that Taurus and Virgo are sworn enemies, while Taurus and Aries are a perfect match. The relationship between people is determined by some internal factors such as blood type, constellation and date of birth, so the key to the success of intimate relationship lies in finding the right person. Of course, there are some more serious scholars who regard intimacy, like other social relations, as caused by some external and overall factors, such as economic factors, cultural background and even religion. I read an article about "giant babies" in China before, and thought that social and cultural factors in China created a group of "giant babies" with immature psychology. How do a group of "giant babies" establish a stable intimate relationship?
It is true that physiological, congenital and social factors will affect the establishment of intimate relationship, but if intimate relationship is based on this belief, it will be felt that intimate relationship should be a natural relationship, not a relationship that needs to be cultivated and can be actively improved and adjusted through efforts. Therefore, the key to establishing intimate relationship lies in choice. When encountering various problems in intimate relationships, people will feel that if they are not "the right person", they will easily choose to give up and even count the days when they have children. Don't give birth to the wrong constellation!
However, the most valuable research on intimacy lies not in various astrology and personality theories, but in communication. By carefully studying the communication methods between people, this paper tries to find out the direct causes of conflicts and establish better interpersonal communication by improving communication methods. People often find that the closer the relationship, the more likely it is for people to have conflicts? Why is this? Because of frequent communication, if there is benign interaction, the intimate relationship will become more and more stable. If there is a problem with communication, then the relationship that matches again will eventually fall apart.
Therefore, for those who are still thinking about what constellation is most suitable for them, or even confused about what personality type they are, it is better to learn to communicate. I believe that these contents are suitable for any constellation and personality type, and are conducive to the establishment and maintenance of their intimate relationship.
mood
Intimacy is not defined by physical distance. Strange bedfellows, a stranger, is not intimate, and certainly can't be determined by blood relationship. An important feature that distinguishes intimate relationship from other relationships is that people in intimate relationship can communicate emotionally, and emotional communication is also an important function of intimate relationship. Therefore, emotion should be the most important factor in intimate relationships. Whether between husband and wife, between father and son, or between friends, if they can share happiness and troubles, then their relationship can be said to be very close.
From the psychological point of view, emotion is a kind of psychological activity mediated by human needs. When our inner needs are met, we will have positive emotions; if not, we will have negative emotions. As a basic physiological function, people in different cultures use strikingly similar body language to express their emotions, such as happiness, sadness, anger, and even complex emotions like the intersection of sadness and happiness. Interestingly, animals also express feelings similar to ours. Moreover, different levels of emotions will cause certain physiological changes, such as breathing, heart rate, blood pressure and so on.
? However, due to complex cultural reasons, we not only have many misunderstandings about emotions, but also develop many complex emotional expressions full of cultural differences and gender differences.
One of the cognitive misunderstandings is to ignore emotions. Perhaps because of everyone's indifferent physiological instinct, emotion is regarded as a low-level form of human psychology, which is changeable and unpredictable. Therefore, compared with personality, ability, speech and behavior, emotion seems to be the least concerned psychological factor. When the children come back from the exam, we care about the results of the exam, but we seldom care about the children's emotions. Especially in China's cultural concept, it is also advocated to control and suppress emotions, such as being unhappy and not changing color. But we can control the external expression of our emotions, but we cannot control the emotions themselves. Just like daring to say it, we can control ourselves from saying it, but anger still exists.
? The second cognitive misunderstanding is to confuse feelings. There is a special distinction between emotion and emotion in psychology. Emotion is a dynamic process that emphasizes psychological formation, and emotion is a relatively stable attitude experience. People often think that feelings are very important in a relationship, but it is easy to raise some emotions to the emotional level, such as a negative remark and an angry look, which will make them feel that their feelings are gone and they love the wrong person. If my husband complains that I am careless and always loses things, I will feel that he must have abandoned me and lost feelings for me.
? The third misunderstanding is the right or wrong of emotions. There are positive emotions, negative emotions, positive emotions and negative emotions, but this is a natural response to whether the internal needs are met. Right and wrong cannot be used to define which emotions should be there and which emotions should not be there. Especially for some negative emotions, we will get used to holding a negative attitude, don't be sad, don't be angry and so on. When children are young, they are often scolded by their parents for some emotional problems. Emotions, whether positive or negative, should be released. Although there is no right or wrong emotion, there are good and bad ways to express it.
The fourth cognitive misunderstanding ignores that the demand behind emotions is extroverted, and the stimulation of emotions is related to the satisfaction of internal needs. Most people can feel their emotional state, but few people can feel their inner needs. Some internal needs are physiological needs, but they are more related to values and self. Because of different internal needs, different people will have different emotional reactions to the same thing. Emotions are changeable and fleeting, but internal needs still exist. If such needs are not met, similar negative emotions will appear frequently until the needs are met.
? The fifth cognitive misunderstanding refers to the behavior of others to stimulate emotions. As mentioned above, emotions come from everyone's inner self-needs. Even the same person will have different emotional reactions to the same thing under different demand conditions. The mother who goes home after her job satisfaction will be very happy and happy when she sees the children who meet at the door. How considerate the child is. But once it is a bad day, the first thing a mother sees when she sees her child may be an angry question: why don't you wear shoes? There is no difference in children's behavior between two diametrically opposite emotional reactions. I am angry because of who you are and how many people know their emotions. This kind of mutual accusation at the behavioral level will not only help the inner satisfaction, but will worsen the intimate relationship between the two.
The sixth cognitive misunderstanding? Emotion should be consistent with the role. Emotion is a psychological process inspired by individual needs, while role is a behavior pattern and norm given to individuals by society. The specific cultural background and even family background will give the role some very specific and fixed emotional expressions, which is considered to be an important part of constructing the role. For example, men don't flick when they have tears, and men have gold under their knees. The establishment of social roles will indeed enable individuals to establish a set of stable behavior norms and patterns that basically conform to the role norms, but it is difficult to completely put emotions under the management of roles. No matter what role, you can't help crying when you are sad, and you can't help dancing when you are happy. Moreover, in addition to the specific emotional state we often say, there are three emotional roles in everyone's mind: children, adults and parents. This jumping of emotional roles will make a person express the same emotion in different ways. For example, parents who are usually dignified will suddenly become hysterical, and children will pose as lessons from time to time. This role jump may be a self-adjustment and decompression of the individual's internal psychological mechanism. Parents' occasional charm or unreasonable troubles are good for relieving mental stress. Just like a serious boss, he occasionally plays pranks like an ignorant child. However, this kind of emotional role jump is often not even realized by yourself, which often makes people feel overwhelmed. Parents who are scolded by their children will become angry from embarrassment, and even think that their children are disobedient, which will reprimand their children and aggravate the tense relationship. If we can recognize this emotional role and make corresponding adjustments, for example, when children give lessons to their parents, parents will pretend to be deaf and dumb and cute, which will not only affect the role relationship, but also promote the intimate relationship between the two. The flexibility of emotional roles can alleviate the emotional pressure brought by social roles.
? Emotional communication and comfort are important contents of intimate relationship. Research shows that although animals and humans have many similar emotional expressions, smiles are unique to our babies. Babies attract adults, caress adults and establish intimate relationships through smiles. However, because of these misunderstandings, denying one's emotions and accusing the other party's behavior have become the killer weapon to kill the beautiful intimate relationship. For example, I don't want to be angry (it's wrong to be angry), but what you did really made me angry (the reason why I was angry was your behavior). Some couples claim to be trying to communicate and improve their relationship, but because of this misunderstanding, their efforts are all in the wrong direction. The harder they work, the worse things get. For example, I try not to be angry, I try not to say anything, and so on. Subjectively, they all feel that they have worked hard, but in fact, their emotions are uncontrollable. Although you didn't scold each other, the negative emotions conveyed by the sound of closing the door and the expression on your face were stronger than those expressed directly in words.
? Therefore, in intimate relationships, we should correctly recognize our emotions, observe each other's emotions, and try our best to explore the real demand motivation behind emotions. At this time, you will find that they are not as antagonistic as their behavior shows, and the differences between people are not as great as they appear externally.
? In life, many couples have the experience of quarreling while driving. The side sitting in the co-pilot tells the driver what to do and criticizes the other side, while the driver is very angry and full of ideas about the other side's worse driving behavior. We used to have a lot of unhappiness about it. Until one time, when I was driving, my husband sat next to me and kept saying, why do you drive like this and how do you do it? I combed my emotions, observed his emotions, and then calmly said to him, "I know you say this because you are worried about the safety of our family." Thank you for your concern! "My husband's mouth was open for a long time and he couldn't speak. After a while, he said, "I find you are becoming more and more talkative." "In fact, this is not a question of skill, because I correctly understand that behind his anxiety is the relationship and concern about family safety.
It is particularly emphasized that in intimate relationships, first, it is very important to attach importance to emotions, including yourself and the other party; Second, all emotions come from their own internal needs, not from each other.
language
In the movie Avatar, people on Pandora can exchange advanced ideas by butting their braids with the tentacles of the tree of life wisdom. And usually the important things they communicate in this way, not in words. In the director's view, this is a more advanced way of communication than language communication. But before the invention of language, we may rely more on body language and expressions, or even intuition to communicate, but this way can only communicate some very simple thoughts and feelings. The invention of language makes our communication activities more complicated and rich, but at the same time, the dependence on language in communication also makes communication more indirect, and many misunderstandings and abuses are also caused by language.
In intimate relationships, some people often turn their hearts upside down, but in the end they say nothing, or only a little, or even what they say is completely inconsistent with what they think. Even if they can say it accurately, the other person can't fully understand it as you expect. This is a common problem in our communication. If people on Pandora could connect seamlessly by intuition, there would not be so many unnecessary communication conflicts. It is a great pity that the evolutionary path of modern civilization is to strengthen language communication and passivate our intuitive consciousness. It seems that if you don't say "I love you" loudly, I can't believe you love me.
Faced with our blunt intuition, we can't pin everything on each other's tacit understanding and understanding. I can say nothing, but you should know everything; I can say whatever I want, but you can't think so. You know, we live on the earth, not Pandora, and now everyone on earth communicates through language. Therefore, instead of complaining that the other party is not tacitly understanding and can't understand each other's words, it is better to learn how to communicate with language and communicate better.
If the most important thing in intimate relationship is emotional communication and exchange, then language is an important medium for emotional communication and exchange, an important way for emotional expression and a channel for emotional release. However, the wrong language sometimes turns into violence, and the once intimate relationship will be destroyed by the accumulation of language violence. To make matters worse, most people don't realize that sometimes the culprit is just because they can't talk. From my personal experience, I think most conflicts in intimate relationships can be solved by improving language communication. In communication, how to speak is as important as how to listen.
Before learning and thinking about how to improve language communication, we must first realize the importance of speaking, and speaking is communication. Many people have a lot of taken-for-granted prejudices about intimate relationships. For example, they think that intimate relationships don't need to be communicated by words. I don't have to tell you, but you have to understand that this is the real intimate relationship. Or think that communication is regarded as the destruction of the relationship. I didn't say it so as not to ruin the relationship between the two people. Never assume that others should know what you haven't said.
Secondly, we should be aware of the dual characteristics of language. On the one hand, it is objective and has specific connotations. On the other hand, it is subjective. Everyone is influenced by environment, gender and other factors, and in the process of language acquisition, they will have different subjective emotional cognition of the same language. People's cognition of things themselves includes objective cognition and subjective emotional cognition. I remember when I was in college, five students in our dormitory came from different provinces. We soon found that there are great differences in language cognition. For example, we are used to calling each other "idiots" to show a special intimacy. But for another northern student, being called a "fool" is a very annoying feeling. This difference is even greater in some words that express subjective feelings. For example, words like "often" and "warm" are considered as frequent every day, while others think that once a month is considered as frequent. Some people like to use "never" because they want to emphasize and express their emotions, but the listener will think it is a definite judgment. So it should be noted that even if you say what you want to say, others may not understand it as you think. This is not because the other party can't communicate, but a common language problem.
? In addition, many people have a lot of super-ideal expectations for intimate relationships, thinking that since they have intimate feelings, since I love you, I can casually say that the so-called "beating is pro, scolding is love", and the other party must be unconditionally tolerant. But tolerance doesn't mean no harm. Although both sides in intimate relationship need to share everything frankly, happily and angrily, we should not share our negative emotions by hurting each other or angering each other.
? I found that in those intimate, happy and harmonious relationships, there is basically one thing in common, that is, both sides can express their ideas clearly and accurately, and both can accurately interpret each other's words. Not everyone is satisfied with each other, and the other party has no shortcomings, but can properly express their opinions and solve contradictions with effective communication. However, those who are in unhappy and depressed relationships are either silent or full of rambling and off-topic complaints, which makes the other party unable to understand and listen patiently.
I myself have fallen into this kind of ineffective and improper communication. However, when I began to try to adjust and change words and sentences, I found that water drops wear away.
language converter
In his book Non-violent Communication, Mr. Marshall Luxembourg introduced four elements of non-violent communication: observation, feeling, need and request, which are finally realized through language. In the book, he gives very concrete and practical suggestions on how to use words and sentences, and lists some alienated communication methods, such as moral evaluation, comparison, evading responsibility, forcing others to do things, etc., which often lead to conflicts in intimate communication. I still clearly remember my son's angry eyes when I criticized him for never cleaning the room.
But in my experience, it is difficult to consciously adjust the consistent way of speaking according to the suggestions in the book, which are often carefully planned and calculated. However, when you finish reading the prepared lines and the other party doesn't follow your script at all, you will be at a loss and be hit hard. On the day of the college entrance examination, I'm going to have a good talk with my son for the college entrance examination next year. I made an appointment with him, deliberately and seriously, and designed my tone of voice according to the suggestions in the book: expressing my emotions and listening to each other's feelings. So I said kindly, "mom is a little nervous and anxious." I want to hear how you feel. Is there anything that needs mom's cooperation? " The son said disapprovingly, "I don't want to tell you." I don't need your cooperation. I am very satisfied with myself! " So I was called out of my son's room. In my script, my son should have a very speculative talk with me, and finally made the study plan and goal of senior three, as well as my logistics work plan. However, in such repeated setbacks, I gradually understand the truth that learning these communication skills is to help us improve our relationship, not to help me achieve my goals. The improvement of speaking style can make the other person know what he really thinks more accurately, without falling into a vicious circle of negative emotions.
In my opinion, it may be easier to learn to listen first than to adjust the way you speak. Because you can't control the other person's emotions and reactions after listening to you, but by accurately interpreting the other person's words, you can control your own reactions and make corresponding responses. This is not only a positive response to each other's emotions, but this effective interaction will in turn help you learn to actively express your emotions and needs. Listening correctly is like carrying a language translator to interpret the literal meaning of the other person emotionally. In the other person's words, what is his mood and what is the real intention behind it.
When listening, understand that emotions are more important than facts. Many of us have the feeling of being led into the ditch by such a dialogue.
"You don't care about anything at home!"
? "No matter what? Didn't I take out the garbage once last month? "
"Taking out the garbage last month deliberately threw away my flowers? This is not enough at all, and it is more than enough! " …….？
If there is no instrument such as driving recorder to play back their lives in front of two people, it is estimated that this quarrel will never be fruitful. "You are the most controlling mother in the world!" My son once complained to me, which made me unconvinced and full of anger. I will give an argument by comparison, however, and examples to get rid of my son's "control freak" hat, but often I don't give an example, and another hat is deducted. This used to bother me. Later, I learned emotional translation, and these complaints won't cause my mood to fluctuate violently. I learned to jump out of the factual argument and not directly respond to the text itself. Once, my husband was driving out and happened to be caught in a traffic jam. It took him about a quarter of an hour to get out of the community gate. He complained angrily: "Look at the good house you bought, what community!" " "If this happened before, I would be furious, and I want to prove that buying a house at that time was a decision made by both of us. However, I started the discourse translator, so his accusation against me was translated into: "This car is blocked, I am bored!" " "Although I couldn't ease his mood at that time, at least I didn't bother him again.
Under negative emotions, people will unconsciously accuse and complain about each other's behavior. Few people can realize that the bad mood is not caused by the behavior of the other party, but because their internal needs are not met. In this case, even if you don't know what the other person's needs are, as long as you understand his emotions, just say, "Are you in a bad mood?" A simple greeting is much more appropriate than an argument about the truth. If you can help him find out the real reason, it will make your relationship closer.
? I also found an interesting phenomenon. It is not that people with higher education are better at communicating in intimate relationships than those with lower education. Sometimes it's the opposite. That's because those educated people will pay more attention to language expression, they will argue about the accuracy of some words, they will remember every specific word in the quarrel, they will be more accustomed to reasoning, and they will ignore the more important things are emotions and relationships. But many uneducated people will quarrel and use all kinds of ugly words, but after the quarrel, everyone will forget it completely. Those curses of "being killed by heaven" and "dying" didn't bring them much psychological shadow at all, because they wouldn't care so much about language, and they would pay more attention to emotion.
In intimate relationships, we should gradually accumulate specialized translation dictionaries to master the different understandings of certain words. Some of these differences in subjective understanding of language are caused by gender, personality and other reasons, while others are related to the background of growth.
"Let's talk!"
"I don't want to quarrel with you!"
Obviously, these two people have completely different understandings of communication and conversation. In the latter's original ecological family, the communication mode of parents may be mainly quarreling, so his understanding of "speaking" is quarreling. If you can understand this, translate his words into "I don't want to talk about it now" "I never said that!" It can be directly translated into: "I completely forgot if I said this sentence!" " "
In addition, according to different gender and personality characteristics, the other party's words should be appropriately abbreviated or expanded. Generally speaking, men express themselves more directly. If he says, "Your cooking is too salty." Then today this dish is too salty. Not on the line, from his dissatisfaction with the taste of the food to his dissatisfaction with himself. Women's expression is more emotional. If she says, "I'm not feeling well today." Then the meaning of this sentence needs to be translated into: "I need your concern." If a woman says a lot of things, it may just be because she is releasing her emotional pressure. You can take these words as air, don't take them too seriously and don't answer them. Just pretend to listen silently. You can go in one ear and out the other. The war at home model in our family often breaks out like this. I am very worried about my son's education, so I can't help complaining to my husband. My husband is angry after listening to my nagging and will take it out on his son. My son resisted, and I blamed my husband for being simple and rude. After several wars, I learned my lesson. Every time I complain to my husband, I will take the initiative to declare: "I am very annoyed now and need to take out the garbage, and you are willing to let me let this emotion out." My husband naturally said, "Then spill it on me." So I added: "After listening, delete it and throw it in the trash can. I don't need any response from you. " After several statements in advance, my husband has completely mastered the ability to turn my nagging into garbage. If a man suddenly says, "Let's get a divorce!" While arguing. What the translation really means is: "I'm bored to death! I don't want to continue this quarrel. " Or the simple and rude translation is: "Shut up!"
In many books to improve relationships and communication, there will be a good skill about how to listen, that is, intuition test. Generally speaking, it is to translate the words of the other party according to your understanding and repeat them to the other party to confirm whether you understand the true meaning of the other party accurately. This skill is very helpful to improve oral English and listening. For example, my son growled at me, "I don't want you to care!" " "I'll repeat," you mean you don't want me to take care of your homework now? "."I've never done this before! "You'd better repeat it," do you mean you don't remember doing it, or even if you do, it's very, very unusual? "And so on, so that both sides can learn.
The communication of people whose intimate relationship is in crisis often falls into a vicious circle. Because the negative emotions of the other party can't be comforted by the other party, they will attack the other party even worse in words, and rational and civilized language can't slow down their attacks at all. And the other side often borrows the sword stabbed by the other side, and then sticks it hard. When we learn to listen slowly and interpret the literal meaning of words according to each other's emotions and needs, we will resolve the lethality of each other's words, so that both sides can finally learn how to express themselves better. When you learn to listen, the other person can also learn to speak. Although this kind of learning ability will be different because of personality, gender and other reasons, I think it is the ability that everyone can learn.
Everyone will have their own unique written expression, and different expressions will bring a lot of interference to positive communication. If we jump out of the level of discourse expression and enter the level of emotion and even demand, we will find that the contradictions and conflicts between people, especially between the two sides of intimate relationship, are not as big as we thought. Because in everyone's heart, I hope to have someone who can share happiness and sadness with you, and get to know myself better in such sharing.