I saw a post on the Internet recently.
According to professional statistical analysis, experts on marriage issues come to the conclusion that couples who have been married for more than 10 years, and couples who have been married for more than 10 years are all like this ~ no matter who they are during the day, one person and one room at night are clean and comfortable!
Ma Weidou, a famous mouth, once mentioned in an interview with Wonderful Night of Natural History that a good marriage should be to sleep in separate beds after middle age, and if possible, in separate rooms.
His reason is that it can increase the freshness and make up for the problem of sleep quality of middle-aged people.
Let's look at a set of data from strange bedfellows.
According to statistics, especially in first-and second-tier cities, the proportion of long-term asexual marriage accounts for 10%, and the negligible couple life accounts for 20%. Among the couples interviewed, less than 30% said that their sex life was harmonious.
Admittedly, middle-aged couples contributed most of the data.
There is a classic line in the movie "The Man Taken Away by Light": "The good feeling is that there is no such thing."
Wu Wenxue, a high school Chinese teacher played by Bo Huang, did this openly with his wife at the dinner table of the reunion.
Because it only took away the magical light of the loved one, leaving him and his wife zhangyan, in order to prove that there is affection between him and his lover.
Just kidding, in the couple's life without foreplay, he and his wife talked about the selection of professional titles.
Sleeping has witnessed the intimate relationship between middle-aged couples, and it is also like a self-portrait of marriage, depicting their embarrassment, dullness and fatigue.
What happened to middle-aged marriage?
2. The legendary midlife crisis
Teacher Wu Zhihong once talked about the crisis of men's middle age. When you find that your body is going downhill and time is getting tight, you will worry that you have wasted your life and probably won't have a chance to make up for it, thus creating a serious sense of crisis.
Women's sense of crisis in middle age comes from the relaxation of skin, physical aging, menopause, children's growth and independence, and the passing of youth.
For example, in the trilogy "Love in", Celine, who entered middle age, asked Jesse if she still had charm in the other person's eyes.
This sense of crisis will make people feel powerless, insecure and distrustful of their spouses and marriages.
The film The Man Caught by Light under the Microscope greatly enhanced the sense of crisis of Wu Wenxue and his wife in middle age.
They have been married for more than 20 years, and neither of them can remember how many years. Poor husband and wife life and monotonous communication have all been polished by trivial life. Until one day they became people left behind by the light, that is, they were condemned as lovers without love.
As a result, the two began to stir and ferment.
Wu Wenxue began to doubt that he had no love for his wife, and at the same time wondered whether the other party was having an affair. Zhangyan also began to lose confidence. Although they are very silent at home, once the sensitive topic of "love" is touched, the air seems to freeze and explode.
Wu Wenxue almost frantically spared no expense to buy fake air tickets, and lied that his wife was not with him that day, in order to cover up his inner fragility. He is afraid that his partner's derailed marriage will fail, and that his model image at school will be affected, which will further implicate his job title selection and career development.
His subtext is that I'm not that bad and I don't want to fail.
Such suspicion and anxiety, in turn, have brought great pressure to zhangyan. They can't communicate and can only talk to other men outside.
The sense of crisis in middle age will bring mutual suspicion and distrust between spouses, and the projection on each other means that you don't love me.
3. Is it obvious that you don't love?
Indeed, intimate relationships will become boring and powerless after a long time.
From the initial passionate period of marriage, to the running-in period of having children, to the relatively stable career, the body can't cope with it gradually, and there is still a little dull period with old age. The libido and aggressiveness in our body have also changed from the initial impudence and fierceness to convergence and exhaustion.
Teacher Zeng Qifeng explained. He said that when intimacy reaches its peak, they will regress, and in the worst case, they can regress to the baby state. The characteristic is that I do nothing, you have to feed me, and you have to meet all my needs.
The inner drama may be that you don't meet all my needs, so you don't love me anymore.
Celine, who was in love before midnight, enjoyed a rare holiday with her husband Jesse and caused a series of quarrels.
Celine complained that she gave up the sacrifice of her personal career for her children, criticized the untidy living habits of the writer's husband and kept having sex. These all point to a key point. You didn't see me and didn't meet my needs.
Jesse also has his own different views. When the quarrel was fierce, Celine, who felt resentful and suffocated, got up and made a dash for the door. After a few seconds, I came back again, leaving a sentence: "I don't love you anymore."
Wu Zhihong once said that the basic need of life is to be seen. When life energy disappears, it will be transformed into dead energy, such as anger, hatred and desire for destruction.
Because she couldn't stand this invisible and satisfying marriage life, she felt that Jesse didn't love herself, and Celine ended the destruction with "no love".
The researcher in The Man Taken Away by Light strangled his wife just because she put onions in the fried rice with eggs, and he also ruined himself.
The love of many middle-aged couples may have fallen into the bottom of "no love" after experiencing so many disillusionment like "doll love".
Gradually become dull.
Dullness is another defense against this fantasy disappointment, and it is also a passive resistance and destruction to not being seen.
It's an illusion, covering up the longing and affection for love behind it.
4. Creative love
So, what if you don't get what you want? Especially when love in marriage has become a kind of affection?
Huang Lei made a very pertinent remark about marriage. He opposed turning love into affection in marriage.
Ceng Laoshi also said that the word "the old couple" hypnotized countless people. Dull should not be the inevitable destination of a relationship.
He analyzed that one of the reasons why the relationship between husband and wife became dull was that both sides suppressed creativity. That is, the repression of personality level is projected on the intimate relationship, such as dull work attitude and way of doing things.
And put forward a kind of creative love, which is characterized by: in intimate relationship, I can not only accept the love from the other side, but also provide a kind of love that others need.
In short, it is to be able to see each other's needs and do what you like. This is a kind of mutual love.
Do you know how Jesse skillfully resolved the conflict with Celine in Love that night? He truly expressed his patience with Celine's temper, and Celine was seen again and accepted Jesse's inclusive and understanding love. At the same time, Jesse satisfied Celine's desire for romantic love, wrote a tender letter, relived the sweet moment when they first met, and invited her to fall in love again.
Andy, the hero of The Shawshank Redemption, finally realized that his wife cheated on him because he was not good at expressing his love, which looked like a "closed book" to the other side.
There is a saying that in order to get a good intimate relationship, what needs to be paid is not your own trauma, but wisdom.
5. Where does creativity come from?
Ceng Laoshi once talked about two states of people in intimate relationships. One is the "full" state, and having you will make me better. The other is that I can't live alone. Only you can make me better.
Only those who gradually grow into a "sufficient" state can transition to the second form of love, which is the creative love mentioned above.
The "sufficient" state I understand is the mature, self-reliant, caring and tolerant self; The second kind can only stay in the expectation and disappointment of "baby's love" and repeat the fate cycle of "I am lucky, not my life".
Is there an intermediate state? There are also.
Just don't need each other, just need the identity given by the shell of marriage, such as wife and husband.
In the TV series in the name of people, Qi Tongwei and Liang Lu have long been strangers. Liang Lu also knows that Qi Tongwei has no love for herself, but she still refuses to divorce. All she wants is Mrs. Qi's name. She said, "If I don't divorce, he will bully me alone, divorced, and a group of people will bully me."
Perhaps the economy, status, power, security and sense of value brought by this identity far exceed the desire for love in marriage, so this repressed desire is likely to be released through infidelity, or it will grow wildly inside and become a weapon for self-attack or attacking children.
I remember Rhett said in The Shawshank Redemption, "These walls are very interesting. At first, you hated them. Then, you get used to it. After a long time, you can't live without them. That is institutionalization. "
If marriage is compared to a fence, you and I who have stayed in this fence for a long time can ask ourselves, am I inseparable from the people in marriage or from the fence of marriage?
I like the words of the white-haired old man who understands the true meaning of marriage in Love Before Midnight: "You don't love someone, but you love this life." What matters is the love of life.
I think people who can create their own lives and love life will have a temperature in TA's marriage.
Should a loveless marriage continue?
First of all, it may be a false proposition for you;
Secondly, it should be a question of whether you are willing or not;
Finally, it should not be a multiple-choice question, but an open proposition;
Respondent: yourself;
Key words: hope, self-salvation.