I once heard a story.
I have a friend, let’s call her Lao Zhang. She once proved to me through her actions how cruel a woman can be to herself.
Lao Zhang’s ex-boyfriend is three years older than her, considerate, warm and sticky. We are all friends who believe that the two of us are a perfect match, and it is simply unreasonable for us not to stay together forever. She locked herself in her room, turned off her phone and computer, thought about it in darkness for three days, cried for three days, and then broke up with her boyfriend in the early morning of the fourth day.
When I heard the news, I had just finished the thousand and eighty quarrel with my old man, Xie, in our five-year relationship. I hung up the phone angrily and saw Lao Zhang sending my WeChat message. I thought she was drunk and talking nonsense.
I said what’s wrong? Why?
She said that I had thought about it for a long time and felt that the two of us were not suitable.
I said if it doesn’t suit you, just let it work out. Just keep insisting, right? Why do you want to break up?
She was silent for a while and said: "No, I can't hold on anymore."
I listened to her suppressed crying on the other end of the phone and felt this. This scene is a sad sight for all eternity.
Anyone who has actively broken up or been broken up by has known that the word "suitable" in a relationship is actually very vague. What does "suitable" mean? I am satisfied with my personality, age, family, and career, and my zodiac sign, blood type, birth date, and horoscope. Is that enough?
There is a very interesting joke in Modern Family. Phil introduces his cousin to Mitchell, his brother-in-law-to-be who has not yet come out as gay, but Mitchell refuses because "the family is too far away."
So you see, even if all the above are passed, there are still explicit discords such as "home is too far away" and implicit discords such as "gender discord".
Therefore, due to the above-mentioned randomness and uncertainty about suitability, many people regard "inappropriate" as a reasonable methodology for breaking up. Anyway, I just think that we are not suitable for each other. Don’t ask why. Even if you ask, I will give you countless reasons. My personality and outlook are not in harmony. I don’t like girls wearing purple clothes. My mother doesn’t. I like your dad, but my dog ??doesn't like your cat.
Sometimes the cost of leaving someone is so low that no one can believe it.
The reason "inappropriate" appears in a short-lived relationship. It is more like the antidote Mai Lisu in a costume TV series, or the textbook that is covered when peeking at a comic book - —It’s just a poor cover-up. When one party cheats or falls in love with another person, the cost of breaking up is too high to tell the truth. No one is willing to bear the aftershocks of such a breakup, so "inappropriate" becomes "seemingly unreasonable but irrefutable." The reason becomes the stepping stone to start a happy life with another person. As for the situation where love simply disappears and "no feeling", "inappropriateness" is a gentle knife. It hurts when it is scratched, because the shortcomings, flaws and conflicts in the character are inherent, so It's not hurtful.
Of course, there are exceptions to everything. In life, there are many people who break up because of "incompatibility". In addition to using this as an excuse to prevaricate, there is also the fact that you can't escape it when you really get in touch with the other person. Inescapable injuries.
I asked Lao Zhang a long time after the incident, and I said, what do you think is inappropriate about you and your ex-boyfriend? She said a lot, more than 80% of the things I usually complain about you. It's like he is emotional and extreme. He speaks arbitrarily when he is angry and wants to drive people out of the car if he talks back.
These are all reasons why she feels it is inappropriate - from an outsider's perspective, objectively speaking, although I cannot fully agree, my ex-boyfriend does have his big problems, and now it seems that he is Zhang's quick decision to cut through the mess was an extremely correct decision. I have never been a patient person, nor do I think that a relationship that requires gritting teeth and tears to continue is healthy. I once imagined that if Lao Zhang had listened to my advice and persisted with his ex-boyfriend, he would probably have been riddled with wounds and still not be able to escape the fate of breaking up.
Of course, it doesn’t matter what I think, after all, this is other people’s business. But this incident once triggered my thinking on "Can a person be loyal to one person throughout his life?"
Before discussing this issue, the first thing we need to understand is that the so-called loyalty to one person here refers to whether you are loyal to that person or loyal to your feelings for that person.
If the person you are loyal to is the other person, does that mean that no matter what the other person becomes, no matter what happens.
In other words, before starting a relationship, there are parts of the other person that you don't understand and are unfamiliar with. After you slowly discover them in the process of getting along with each other in the future, you must insist on loving him to the end whether you accept it or not?
If this logic seems a little complicated, if you convert it into a simple example, it is that the person you once thought you liked very much gradually reveals some things that are difficult for you in the process of getting along. If you accept his character and characteristics, will you insist on being patient with him because you think "I love him"?
I know that when many people see this paragraph, they will be filled with righteous indignation and say decisively and coolly: "Of course not, let him go away and play."
This is really a duplicity in line with universal values, but I can’t laugh. Because among the relationships I have seen, there are only a few girls like Lao Zhang who cried for three days after discovering a problem and then decided to break up. Most of them choose to keep carrying the burden forward, persevere, and endure until their entire personality is worn away and all their feelings are ignored, or until the day they can no longer walk, they choose to break up and end up with the same destination.
Otherwise, how could there be a woman whose husband is obsessed with gambling, who kneels down in tears and apologizes while mortgaging the family house to borrow loan sharks, and who is willing to follow behind and help her husband pay off the debt?
What’s even more terrible is that the melon-eaters who are believed as “bystanders know the truth” often adhere to the golden rule of “persuading peace but not division”. They will tell you that if you have a bad personality and always quarrel, two people should tolerate each other; if he is ambiguous with other girls, you are usually too overbearing to create opportunities for them; girls should not be too overbearing, but know how to let it go when things are good. Don't talk back when he's angry, otherwise you won't suffer if he raises his hand to you? I am not objecting to these statements. We are all adults and should have our own views on emotions and right and wrong. I just want to remind people who are hesitant about whether to continue their relationship. The right situation is far more complicated than what others might imagine after you tell it to them. You can reflect on yourself from their comments, but please don't let their opinions influence your choices.
Because your friends and even besties don’t understand how difficult your situation is, nor how many tears you shed at night when you can’t sleep. They will only start from “I Thinking about it from the perspective of "I think you two are good, so I don't want you to break up" will not be responsible for your real life.
What's more, a true love should be the stage when I get along with the other person. My heart is always filled with feelings, and this kind of feeling is something I recognize and love. Only with this kind of feeling can I I am willing to devote my whole life to being loyal.
Because falling in love is not about hooking up with someone and letting him accompany me to fulfill my ideal of love and pursue my pursuit of love. To put it more simply, then it is, I hope I have That feeling can make both of us happy.
Human nature is extremely complex and changeable. Not only will the other person change, but so will I. Just like Lao Xie and I, who have always been a model couple in our circle of friends, almost six years have passed and we are no longer the same selves we were when we were together. But we are still together, and I hope we can always be together. If I were to put this thing to myself six years ago, I would not be able to believe it.
But it just happened.
Therefore, a truly everlasting relationship must not be a perfect universe with beautiful mountains and clear waters, singing birds and fragrant flowers, but an ordinary world that needs adjustment, collision, growth, reproduction, destruction and reconstruction.
It can only be said that you have to have your own value system, even in this society where you can't find a quality lover even if you hold a lantern, even if it is completely unreasonable in the eyes of others. There are too many compromising lovers in this world who are exhausting themselves. You have to be a responsible person for your own life.
Oh, and finally, to be honest, this is one of the things I appreciate and even admire about Lao Zhang. It is actually normal to break up when it is not suitable, and you may feel sad for a while. OK is the most fatal thing. It's better to break up, otherwise it will really be a trap for a lifetime.
People always have to learn to be flexible. As long as you want to be with the other person, you will automatically change yourself. The premise is that the other person is willing to cooperate with you in making his changes. It is important to remember the reasons that drive you to change. Otherwise, what is the difference between endlessly adjusting yourself for someone who is the same as always and being patient?
It is important to remember these, but the most important point is, what drives you to be willing to change?
The answer must be love.