: dear
If someone told you that by observing a couple for five minutes, he could predict their marital status in the coming year, would you believe it?
Don't trust anyone to do it, the accuracy rate is as high as 9 1%. This man is the best-selling book Happy Marriage, John gotman.
Since 1970s, Professor John guttman has chosen more than 3,000 courtyards and 700 newly-married couples as the research objects, and started the research for 40 years. During the research, gotman's team observed and recorded the daily conversation between husband and wife, and detected the stress level with sensors. Through data analysis, gotman found that the marriage prediction he made within five minutes of observing the husband and wife getting along with each other was later proved to be correct.
The key for guttman to predict the future direction of marriage is to observe the quarrel between husband and wife.
The intensity of quarrel is not the index of Mr. gotman's prediction of marriage, but the way of quarrel is the clue of marriage problems.
Next, let's look at Mr. Goldman's question. What are the six signs of quarreling in marriage?
1. harsh start 2. Doomsday 4. Be overwhelmed by negative emotions. Body language. Failed emotional repair attempt 6. Bad memories
1. Hard start:
The most concentrated contradiction between men and women is after giving birth.
We often see such a situation. The wife asked her husband to help change the diaper because the child was crying. When the husband was in a hurry, the wife beside him said with a little disgust, "Look at you, you have done it everywhere, and you have never done it well." With your unsanitary appearance, if you can't cure yourself, how can I expect you to cure the child? "
This is a harsh, not-for-all discussion about how to change diapers, which has turned into a wife's attack on her husband, from changing diapers to her husband's unsanitary health.
Once the quarrel between husband and wife begins with harshness, it will be controlled by negative emotions, and the tone will continue, and finally a negative conclusion will be drawn.
2. Doomsday IV
According to Revelation, at the end of the world, there are four horses, red, white, black and gray. They brought war, famine and death to mankind and gave them the final judgment.
When negative emotions dominated the marriage and the quarrel began to continue in a harsh way, criticism, contempt, defense and the Cold War appeared in turn like the fourth day, impacting the marriage.
After complaining becomes a habit, we look at our other half more and more unhappily and gradually turn complaining into criticism. There is a difference between complaining and criticizing, such as changing diapers as mentioned above. It's just a complaint that the other party changed diapers incorrectly. But when the problem of changing diapers rises to the point where the other person is unsanitary and can't do anything well, it becomes criticism.
The most common sentence of criticism is: Are you out of your mind? Raise a case problem to a personal character problem.
When criticism becomes the norm in marriage, contempt follows.
Continue to change diapers. After being criticized, my husband may say that I am familiar with it after practicing for a while. The wife rolled her eyes and said, "It sounds like you haven't practiced. I don't think you can learn even if you practice for your children in elementary school. Can changing diapers be harder than going to heaven? "
Sarcasm, ridicule, rolling eyes and unfriendly humor will stab the other half like a knife.
When one party becomes belligerent, it paves the way for the emergence of a third party. The other half who is provoked and despised will subconsciously defend himself.
Excuses in quarrels often have no positive effect and will only escalate the war. Defending yourself is actually a counterattack. Since the problem is not on yourself, it is obvious that the other party should bear the responsibility. The deep meaning of those who defend themselves is actually: this is your problem, not mine.
Criticism, contempt and defense are staged in the disputes between husband and wife, and the accumulated problems cannot be effectively solved. After spending a lot of enthusiasm in marriage, both sides found that everything was in vain. At this time, the fourth place will appear-the cold war.
3. Be overwhelmed by negative emotions
A male friend told me an unpleasant experience with his wife, who always complained that he had no children and often worked overtime and didn't go home. They had a very unpleasant past. At first, my friend was ashamed of his wife. After a long time, he can't accept the accusation, criticism and contempt that his wife has always shown. He began to resist, ignoring his wife's scolding and anger and refusing all forms of communication.
This is emotional drowning. The sudden outburst of his wife's emotions made her husband feel unable to cope. In order to avoid being hurt, he will choose to avoid and alienate each other emotionally.
If you are overwhelmed by negative emotions repeatedly, the possibility of divorce will greatly increase.
4. Body language
The heartbeat is accelerated, hormones are increased, and blood pressure is increased. If these indicators appear repeatedly in one of the quarreling couples, the possibility of divorce will increase.
From a biological point of view, when one or both sides' heart beats faster, hormones increase, and the "hit-and-run" response in human skills is mobilized, any discussion and argument at this time can't achieve the expected effect, and the quarrel at this time becomes a conditioned reflex, and the opportunity to solve the problem has been lost.
That's why we are so alike every time we quarrel. Calm down and find that after quarreling for a hundred times, the problem was raised once and never solved.
5. Failure in trying to repair feelings
After marriage problems, most couples try to repair their feelings. As we mentioned before, trying to repair feelings is the key to maintaining a healthy marriage relationship.
If we allow criticism, contempt, defense and the Cold War to continue and ignore the other half's attempt to repair feelings, it will make the other half feel depressed. Once both sides have no expectation of emotional repair and give up emotional rescue, it won't be long before the couple will divorce.
Using Doomsday IV to predict marriage, the accuracy rate is only 80%, and after the unsuccessful attempt of emotional repair, the accuracy rate of divorce prediction is as high as 90%.
6. Bad memories
If the bad emotional state is allowed to develop, it will distort the marriage and emotional memory of husband and wife.
Most couples are full of expectations for the future when they get married. They are happy and sweet, as if this happiness will last a lifetime. In fact, by the time the couple really want to divorce, most couples have rewritten their own history.
Many couples will cook porridge at first, and the wife will call her husband many times a day, which is full of sweetness. However, with more and more disputes, the husband will feel that his wife is trying to control his whereabouts. At first, the sweet feeling disappeared, and the wife's feeling became a burden. When a husband sees his wife on the phone, he will be upset and even deliberately refuse to answer it.
When feelings are affected by negative emotions, once beautiful pictures will gradually blur, unpleasant memories will prevail, and things that once made you happy will become troubles.
After experiencing these problems, some couples will still try to recover, and most couples choose to divorce. Generally, before divorce, couples will go through a stage, which Goldman called the death knell of marriage:
1. Take marriage seriously;
2. Try to solve the problem by yourself;
3. Live a good life;
4. Endless loneliness.
If you follow me here, will you gasp?
God, has my marriage come to this? Is there any room for such a marriage to be redeemed?
Don't despair yet. In the long marriage research, Dr. gotman discovered the secret of saving marriage: the key to repairing marriage relationship is not how to deal with differences, but how husband and wife usually get along except quarreling.
In other words, cultivating the friendship between husband and wife in daily life is the key for husband and wife to calmly face disputes.
Today, we know six signs to predict the direction of marriage and the final death knell stage of marriage. Starting from the next article, we will follow Dr. gotman to see what the rules of a happy marriage are and how to improve the relationship between husband and wife.
The above is about how to see when your marriage will come, and it is about the sharing of marriage. After reading the eight characters, can you see the month when the positive side appears? I hope this will help everyone!