Principle 1: don't be a bad speaker, just a good speaker; If not, do some;
Principle 2: Be careful. When there are signs of contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, you should buy some gifts from your own pocket to please two women, but tell them that the other party has paid for each other.
How to deal with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law
1. Cognitive changes: A good "mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship" concerns three people-mother-in-law, daughter-in-law and son. Running a harmonious family relationship requires the efforts of three parties. Taking the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law as a reference, the quality of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is generally better than that of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The key point is that the mother-in-law regards her son-in-law as her son (at least half a son), and her daughter feels less lost when she gets married, but feels closer and happier with her son. This is different from the mother-in-law's mentality. The more a wife loves her husband, the more she can accept her mother-in-law. If you haven't accepted her mother-in-law, it at least shows that your love for her husband is not mature and deep enough.
Second, the mother-in-law's mentality: treat the daughter-in-law as her own daughter, don't have the separation of "other people's girls", treat the child's mentality, get along with her, and all problems will be solved.
Third, the wife's mentality: take care of her mother-in-law as her own mother, and try to understand the character or other shortcomings of the elderly. At the same time, when you have a conflict with your mother-in-law, don't make the "low-level mistake" of "competing for a husband" with your mother-in-law. No matter how much your husband loves you, you can't replace her mother. Besides, you can only be his wife, not his mother. In that case, your marriage will be very dangerous.
Fourth, the son's mentality: he is a "diplomat" who mediates the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Many "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships" are caused by "stupid sons". If there are natural sensitive factors in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, then the role played by the son in the relationship and the function of coordination and consultation become more and more precious.
5. "One-night feud is forgotten": Once there is friction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, it is the key to deal with it immediately and communicate directly, and establish an effective conflict handling mechanism based on real feelings. Some "mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relations" were not bad at first, but later the friction was hidden in my heart, forming a "cold war" between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, which did great harm to family relations.
To sum up, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not a scourge, but a family relationship between two generations, which can be improved through human efforts. No matter what happens, there is no right or wrong, and there is no need to investigate right or wrong. All disharmonious factors are human psychological functions and can be resolved with wisdom.
For a happy family, let's all learn to be wise mothers-in-law, wives and husbands! ! Men play an important role in handling the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. A man who can do things makes both mother and wife happy. Principle one: don't preach bad words, only good words; If not, do some; Principle 2: Be careful. When you find a contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, you should buy some gifts from your own pocket to please these two women, but you should tell them that the other party paid the other party's money. Rule 3: Don't praise each other's benefits in front of your mother or wife, which will make you jealous of each other. You can say small shortcomings that are not noticeable, but you can't say big shortcomings that are fatal. You must praise the good of the woman in front of you and criticize the bad of the other woman. Principle 4: Call home to ask questions, or send text messages to express your concern for two women. At the same time, it is also a negative sentence, asking this woman for the good of another woman. Principle 5, don't miss some special days, birthdays, festivals, anniversaries, etc. Send a small gift, or congratulate you in person ... Principle 6, ... I haven't decided yet, I'll tell you when I think about it. In short, for these two different women. It is not easier than dealing with the relationship between wife and lover, but it is also a trivial matter in daily life. As long as you have the heart and handle it well, you will benefit a lot. When they have a conflict, you just need to remember never to take sides, or you will aggravate their conflict.
In addition, learn to point the problem at yourself, criticize yourself actively, and persuade two people to leave.
When they are blushing, you should put your daughter-in-law into the bedroom first, and then come out to persuade her mother to go out to visit. At the door, you should make a statement as quietly as possible and severely criticize your daughter-in-law, but don't be wordy, just let her calm down.
Go back to the bedroom and praise your daughter-in-law for being generous today. It's all because your mother is a little confused, but don't say that her old man is worthless. Anyway, I just don't pick up my wife.
After she calms down or you buy a gift to calm her down, you still have to do the work, then praise her for her high quality and generosity, and let her take the initiative to fix it with your mother. How to deal with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law When it comes to the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, it has been difficult to get along with each other since ancient times. Many people are worried and always feel that it is not easy to do. Especially some husbands, mice enter the bellows-both ends suffer indignities. In recent years, movies, sketches, etc. It also reflects many similar phenomena. What is the reason? In fact, there is no fundamental conflict. Mostly trivial things. But because of these little things, it is difficult to tell who is right and who is wrong. It is such a phenomenon that it is difficult for honest officials to break housework. How do mother-in-law and daughter-in-law get along? Although I don't have a panacea, it is not an incurable disease. From what I heard and heard, I tried to sort out some feelings that might be useful to the families concerned. Always be content. There are two things, don't blame one person. It takes two to tango. Everyone knows this simple truth. So is the contradictory relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The so-called "always contented" refers to the mentality of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. As elders, old ideas should also be changed. After all, times have changed. Therefore, the requirements for the younger generation should not be too high. In other words, everything need not be too harsh. You can't criticize your nose all day, it's not suitable for you and it doesn't look pleasing to the eye. What clothes are too flowery, what is not sweet, what doesn't like doing housework and so on. This is no big deal. Young people dress normally, which shows that they love life. Of course, there is no limit. For example, the daughter-in-law walks around in front of the old man in clothes that show her navel all day, and her mother-in-law certainly doesn't like it. Speaking of our lazy daughter-in-law in Beijing, the whole country is famous. I remember an article about how Shanghai daughter-in-law can cook soup, how Guangdong daughter-in-law can cook, and how Beijing daughter-in-law is lazy. Not only do they not like cooking and washing dishes, but they also don't clean the table and never clean the window sill for several days. Maybe it's because I'm too tired after a day's work. If this is the case, as a mother-in-law, we must first understand the daughter-in-law's hard work. It is not easy to come and go in the rain every day. As a wife, you can't be lazy. We should also do some housework properly. Mother-in-law is not a big momma after all. In addition, as a junior, we must master two points: first, sometimes my mother-in-law nags a few words, and she accepts what is right, and laughs it off if it is wrong, so it can't be true; The second is to be polite. Say hello when you come back from work. Of course, you should call mom, and you can't use "hey" instead. This is the most taboo for elders. There is this plot in the TV series "Tsing Yi". The daughter-in-law wants to have a baby, and her mother-in-law kindly comes from her hometown to wait for the next month, but the daughter-in-law never calls her mother. For this reason, her mother-in-law was very angry, which led to a long-term disharmony between her mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law. Later, the daughter-in-law finally called mom. Since then, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has become increasingly harmonious. Treat the daughter-in-law as a daughter. As we all know, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is harmonious in general. Why? My daughter is my mother's pet. Why not love her? If your own daughter is well fed and clothed, the mother will always be in my heart. What about the daughter-in-law It's not autotrophic, so naturally it won't be so attentive. However, my daughter can't stay when she is older, so stay and make enemies. Sooner or later, the daughter will get married, and eventually she will have to rely on her daughter-in-law to serve her mother-in-law. In fact, a daughter-in-law should be closer than her own daughter. Why not treat your daughter-in-law as a daughter? Some people may say that a mother-in-law loves her daughter-in-law just like her daughter, and her daughter-in-law is easy to accept. If she criticizes her daughter-in-law, the consequences may be different. At this time, when the mother-in-law has to pay attention to the art of criticism and working methods. Everything can't be the same. You can't keep nagging. Treat your mother-in-law as your own mother. This is actually the same as the last one. As the saying goes, a daughter is a mother's close-fitting cotton-padded jacket. Daughter-in-law should treat her mother-in-law as her own mother, not afraid of bad relations. Some daughters-in-law buy food for their mothers and dress generously. I was very angry when I found my husband buying things for my mother-in-law. This is inappropriate. Equal treatment. Of course there are some differences. For example, sometimes a daughter can be spoiled in front of her mother. You should be careful in front of your mother-in-law. If there is friction because of a small matter, everything should not be taken into account. We should roll with the punches and roll with the punches. Sometimes even if the mother-in-law is wrong, the daughter-in-law can't make trouble without reason. For the sake of my mother-in-law's old age, be lenient and compromise. One day you may be a mother-in-law. Husband should be a coordinator. As a husband, it is very important to handle the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. We must be a good coordinator and don't let things drift. You can't take the side of your mother or your daughter-in-law. No matter what the two sides say, we should listen patiently, don't be partial, don't make a statement easily, and don't break into a furious rage. Understand things clearly slowly, and then do ideological work separately. In short, we should adhere to the principle of cold treatment. Don't add fuel to the fire to prevent the situation from expanding and deepening contradictions. As a man, it is sometimes necessary to make some self-sacrifice for the sake of family harmony. Men teach you how to deal with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (turn)
I accidentally came to this forum and found that many families have mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. I can't help but want to introduce my family's successful experience, not much, for reference only.
My wife and I had known each other for more than two years before we got married. How can I put it? My wife is a typical one-child personality: headstrong, delicate, introverted, few friends, few housework, unable to cook, spending money like water ... In short, she belongs to the type that the elderly don't like, but I really love her because she is very kind and lovely, hehe.
Before marriage, I also thought a lot about how my wife and my mother got along. Think about it, two women who have no blood relationship, no emotional foundation, different times, different lifestyles and different ideas just came together because of their love for me. It can be said that the key to their relationship lies entirely with me.
A clear understanding of this view makes me feel responsible, so when there is a contradiction between the two, I look for my own problems first. Am I unfair? Have you only seen the surface and failed to see the essence of the problem?
My mother will always be my closest relative, so I can't repay her kindness in my life, and my wife, who is also my favorite person, is also very filial to her parents, but she has never forced me to treat my parents-in-law, and I won't force her to serve them, and because I am a man, I will try my best to do more housework so that they won't be forced to do more housework because of some daily chores.
In fact, my mother has some ideas about her daughter-in-law, for example, she is afraid of being a lady, and she can't eat and wait on me ... But I don't think my wife is a nanny, and I am very self-aware (I don't look like Pan An at first sight, and my second wealth is not enough for my enemies), and now I am an only child, and both of them have to work. Isn't it equivalent to finding a nanny wife, having to work and doing all the housework? (Hehe, don't shoot me, I'm still pragmatic) So I chose my present wife, and I kept saying how good my wife is in front of my mother, and finally my mother accepted it, hehe.
I will take some measures to cultivate their feelings from time to time after marriage. For example, I often say to my wife, "Mom misses you again and keeps talking about you. Shall we go and see? " , said to his mother, "* * said it was cold and asked you to put on more clothes." "* * says that there is flu recently, please pay attention!" ..... After a long time, their goodwill has also increased. But I won't let my wife live with my mother for a simple reason: women are narrow-minded, sensitive and fond of holding grudges (female compatriots don't film me). My wife's usual temper will make me puzzled, so it is a wise choice not to be together, otherwise my wife's temper will not make my mother angry, hehe.
I don't understand why some men insist that their wives live with their mother-in-law. It's okay to get along well, but if there is already a contradiction, you still let them get together. Isn't this throwing torches into a powder keg? And if you don't do housework, do you want your wife to serve your mother or your mother to serve your wife? Do you have the heart to let your mother wait on you? Let your wife serve you. Even if your wife loves you again for a long time, there will inevitably be an idea: "Your own mother, why don't you serve me? Can you serve my mother like me?" If you work, your mother will love you again. Your mother does it, daughter-in-law is not good at it, and daughter-in-law does it. The problem remains the same, and so on ... Over time, there are contradictions as well as contradictions. My mother didn't enjoy herself in her later years, but such a bad thing came out. In the end, you get two non-human endings. Haha, I should know why today.
I've thought so much for the time being. In a word, the attitude of mother-in-law to daughter-in-law depends entirely on the attitude of son to daughter-in-law. The son didn't play a good role in centering and coordinating, which caused the balance to tilt, so he had to adjust his fulcrum to rebalance the balance, otherwise it would only add weight to one side, which was unfair.
Please remember: mother can't choose, wife is her choice, and man is responsible.
When the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is handled well, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will be harmonious. However, if it is not handled well, there will be contradictions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and even become a killer who destroys the feelings of husband and wife after extramarital affairs.
So how to deal with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? Tang Denghua, director of psychotherapy department of Peking University Institute of Mental Health, talked about some of his views. Life Problems Beijing Reference: Please tell me from an expert's point of view what kind of relationship should be established between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?
Tang Denghua: The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a special family relationship. Neither so close as husband and wife, nor so stable as mother and son. In fact, it is a "blood-relative" relationship indirectly formed through the specific dual roles of son and husband. Compared with other lineal relatives, the natural "cohesion"-"love" is obviously reduced, which objectively leads to the particularity of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Beijing Reference: Why is the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law more difficult?
Tang Denghua: There is a metaphor that compares the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to "natural enemies". In the mother-in-law's mood, how many people think that the son has given love to others, "the daughter-in-law is competing with herself for her son's love"; Daughter-in-law thinks that her husband should love her, independent of maternal love.
Moreover, the expectations of the two are different. Mother-in-law wants her daughter-in-law to love her husband as much as her son, but her wife wants her husband to care for her; At the same time, when a mother-in-law sees her daughter-in-law marry her son and walk into her home, she will instinctively form an expectation that her daughter-in-law should treat herself like her son. Daughter-in-law often can't do this just because of the lack of "blood relationship". Daughter-in-law changed her name to "mom" after marriage, and instinctively compared her mother-in-law's behavior with her own mother, forming the expectation that her mother-in-law should be like her mother. When the two sides confuse the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, they often have dissatisfaction because the other side can't meet their expectations.
Beijing reference: A man said to his wife, "Look who is who, treat her mother-in-law as her own mother". Theoretically, can the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law really be like mother and daughter?
Tang Denghua: Some daughters-in-law treat their mother-in-law as rationally as their mothers. However, it is understandable that blood is thicker than water. Emotionally, in the daughter-in-law's heart, it is impossible to treat her mother-in-law as her own mother.
Beijing Reference: Is the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relatively simple in western developed countries?
Tang Denghua: The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is also determined by the family structure. In China's extended family, intergenerational continuity is emphasized. Mothers are often unable to leave their son's small family, excessively participate in his son's small family life, and even regard their daughter-in-law as an outsider.
In western developed countries, the axis of husband and wife occupies a major position in the social structure, emphasizing the nuclear family. At the same time, as a social individual, the relationship with parents is relatively loose, so the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is relatively simple.
In a person's life, the relationship between husband and wife should be the main axis after marriage. Of course, the traditional "maiden" can't be forgotten. However, it is no longer a spindle. At present, the position of the axis of husband and wife in the social structure is also rising. What should a mother-in-law do?
Beijing Reference: What should a mother-in-law pay attention to in order to avoid contradictions?
Tang Denghua: First of all, mother-in-law should do a good job of "weaning mother and child". Psychologically speaking, unhealthy mother-child relationship is the key to the problem of "mother-in-law-daughter relationship". According to the viewpoint of developmental psychology, a healthy mother-child relationship should go through "second weaning"-physical weaning and psychological weaning. When the son is a teenager, the mother should be psychologically weaned. However, in many traditional concepts, for example, a son should honor his ancestors, and the mother always thinks that his son is very hard and always treats and takes care of him as a child. A mother should accept her son's growth and not participate too much.
Secondly, don't expect too much from your daughter-in-law. After all, I am not related to my daughter-in-law. It is impossible to ask a daughter-in-law to treat herself emotionally as a daughter treats her mother. It is good that she can respect and honor herself rationally.
Beijing Reference: What should you pay attention to when you are a daughter-in-law?
Tang Denghua: First of all, a daughter-in-law should adjust her mentality and not treat her husband as her own.
Second, understand the husband. Because China is a traditional country, we should understand the weight of mother in his heart. No matter how much your husband loves you, you can't replace his mother. Besides, you can only be his wife, not his mother. At the same time, when you have conflicts with your mother-in-law, don't make the "low-level mistake" of "competing for a husband" with your mother-in-law.
At the same time, we should also understand the mother-in-law's sense of loss. Mother-in-law often produces "empty nest syndrome" after quitting her son's main life circle. Always accompany your husband and children to see her mother-in-law. Don't interfere with your husband's visit to her mother-in-law, because even if you stop it, your son will secretly visit his mother. The same is true in the economic field.
Finally, take care of your mother-in-law like your own mother, and try to understand the character or other shortcomings of the elderly. The more you love your mother for your husband, the more you will get his love. Support "stupid people"
Beijing Reference: What should a man do as the main figure in his mother-in-law's mind?
Tang Denghua: Men are "diplomats" who deal with their mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Men play an important intermediary role in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. If this intermediary function is well played, it can strengthen the emotional connection between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law; On the contrary, it is easy to aggravate contradictions and become an air trap.
First of all, men should understand the different expectations of their mothers and wives.
Secondly, don't artificially create contradictions (whether intentionally or unintentionally). Many times, many "mother-in-law-daughter relationships" are caused by "stupid sons". For example, when you are with one party (such as your mother), don't focus on the other party and let one party feel that your feelings are there; Say more about each other's good side; Don't tell mom about being bullied and wronged. Because compared with the daughter-in-law, the mother is absolutely partial to her son. The most important thing is to let the other person feel that you are very happy and happy around the other person.
Finally, men should get rid of their mother's "arms", be psychologically mature and truly independent. What about it runs in the family?
Beijing Reference: Old people help take care of children. it runs in the family, how should we deal with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?
Tang Denghua: Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law come from different families, and each has its own life background and habits. Differences in culture and thinking habits have become the fuse of the struggle between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Especially in the method of educating the third generation, there are often great differences between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Daughter-in-law should be in charge and mother-in-law should be protected. In fact, inherit the wind is all the same. Generally speaking, the mother-in-law is used to the third generation. At this point, mother-in-law had better not spoil her children.
The relationship between mother and child is also an important factor affecting the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The tension between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is usually a sign of immature mother-child relationship. Husbands should give their wives more independent space and don't take their mothers with them.
Living together, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law need a process of mutual adaptation. It is not easy for a man to make his mother understand his wife's difficulties. Create more opportunities for them to have emotional contact, desire and performance of mutual concern. Choice of space and boundary
Beijing Reference: Is separation good for the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?
Tang Denghua: Some people think that separation can reduce contradictions in life and help the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. But in real life, for various reasons, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law often live together. In fact, the coordination of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law depends not on time and space, but on emotion. If the husband starts talking about mom, then even though they are separated in space, they are still tied together emotionally.
Therefore, whether or not to live together, the main thing is to master the "boundary". In other words, among the generations living together, the relationship between husband and wife should be the closest. If you are a daughter-in-law now, you should understand that when your son grows up, his relationship with you is not the closest. In the same way, the wife should have the closest relationship with the elderly, followed by the children. Multi-perspective thinking
Beijing Reference: From the perspective of "respecting the elderly", society always advocates that daughters-in-law should put themselves in their own shoes and think from the perspective and position of their mother-in-law. How to persuade daughter-in-law to accept these views?
Tang Denghua: "The more we worship in society, the less we want it." This sentence is not unreasonable. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is tense, and the main responsibility lies with mother-in-law. Of course, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law composed of two women with different ages and experiences is really complicated, and their psychological fit is also relatively low. And because they need to share a man's love (with different connotations, but all love), it objectively constitutes their contradiction.
It is right for a son to be filial to his mother. However, the concepts of respecting the elderly and filial piety, filial piety and respect are not exactly the same. For young daughter-in-law, it is also necessary to use some life wisdom to coordinate the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law according to the specific situation of the family and the personality characteristics of the elderly. After all, the older you get, the worse your social adaptability becomes. It is difficult for the elderly to get rid of the habits they have developed for decades. It is very important for a daughter-in-law to understand this.
However, "outsiders" should also put themselves in others' shoes, not just respect the old and love the young. After all, my mother-in-law has experienced it, and she used to be a daughter-in-law. When she knew that she was a daughter-in-law, what did she need most and care about most? Who was saved first when the mother-in-law fell into the river?
There is a story in which a wife asked her husband, "If my mother-in-law and I fall into the river at the same time, who will you save first?" How to tell a true story in life?
Tang Denghua: This is not a very clever question for a woman. The wife wants her husband to answer and save her first, not her mother-in-law. However, if the "stupid husband" replies that there is only one mother and the wife can remarry, what will the wife think if she wants to save her mother first and then save her wife? Therefore, in real life, a daughter-in-law should not ask her husband such "stupid questions".
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not antagonistic. No matter what happens, there is no right or wrong, and there is no need to investigate right or wrong. All disharmonious factors are human psychological functions and can also be resolved with wisdom.
Principle 3: Don't praise each other's benefits in front of mom or wife, which will make them jealous. We can talk about the trivial problems, but we can't talk about the fatal ones. We must praise the good of this woman and criticize the bad of another woman.
Principle 4: Go home often, make a phone call or send a message to express your concern for two women. At the same time, it is also a negative sentence to ask this woman how good she is to another woman.
Principle 5: Don't miss some special days, such as birthdays, festivals and anniversaries. Send a small gift or congratulate in person. .......
Principle six, ... I haven't decided yet. I'll tell you when I think about it.
In a word, dealing with these two different women is not easier than dealing with the relationship between wife and lover, but it is also a daily chore. As long as you have the heart and handle it well, you will benefit a lot.