1. Light cigarettes often, and difficult things are not difficult; have a cocktail party to persuade, and work on public relations; play mahjong for a few rounds, and make a lot of friends; pat a horse, and your career will always move forward; text messages are the most important, thinking about them The most wonderful. May everything go well for you!
2. I was sitting blankly at the dance, and a young man came up to me. My heart was pounding. "Do you want to dance?" he asked happily. "Yes," I mumbled, "Great," he said, "Can I sit in your chair?"
3. You are simple, dignified and generous, and never pushy. You act chivalrously and do justice for the people, and you always work hard without complaining. You are everyone’s friend, especially the friend of the farmer brothers. If you change your delusion of wanting to eat swan meat, you will be perfect!
4. I went to my grandma’s house to eat hot pot in the evening. I added a piece of ribs to the table, but accidentally dropped it on the floor! Feeling really distressed, I asked my grandma: "Grandma, have you mopped the floor today?" Grandma said, "Yes, I mop the floor every morning." Then I put the ribs in my mouth with confidence. Then my grandma said: "I won't pour out the water your grandpa used to soak his feet in the evening, but will keep it for mopping the floor in the morning."
5. The misinterpretation of beauty: The beauty of knowledge lies in making people confused; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting emotional cheating; the beauty of a woman lies in being so stupid that she has no regrets; the beauty of a man lies in lying so hard that he can tell the truth.
6. I love you! Because I dreamed last night that God said to me: Say I love you to ten people who look like pig heads. Otherwise, you will turn into a pig head. Of course your appearance ranks first, so I love you!
7. A passerby stayed at a house where there was only one woman. She leaned against the door and said, "There is no one in my house." The passerby asked, "Aren't you a human being?" The woman said, "There is no man in my house." ” Passerby: “Am I not a man?”
8. I was trying to eat instant noodles on the train, and I was throwing the seasoning bag around. If I wasn’t careful, it flew out. I looked at it carefully. Look, a man with a head full of spices turned around and said leisurely: Girl, you are trying to pick me up.
9. May all your worries in this life be brutally dealt with, and your sorrow become nothing. Sadness also looks for other things, and pain washes away in a golden basin. Once the bleakness is gone, there is no turning back, and the sadness will no longer exist. World Handwashing Day, happiness is with you!
10. When I was out that day, I met a handsome young man who was riding an off-road motorcycle and was riding fast and boldly. I thought to myself that young people are really cool and they are a generation of heroes. Before I could finish thinking about the ending, I saw the motorcycle being thrown down.
11. Tang Monk was caught by the banshee and tied up in a cave. Tang Monk asked, "Who is the female benefactor?" The banshee took off her clothes and said, "I'll know if you lick it." Tang Monk said, "I obey, little monk." After licking it for a while, Tang Monk said, "It's so fresh! "The banshee showed her true form and said: "I am the chicken spirit!"
12. Men, like rabbits, have feelings for the grass beside their nests: even if they don't eat it themselves, they don't want others to eat it.
13. Shining light is not exclusive to the sun. Gold can do it. Getting rid of pests is not exclusive to frogs. Pesticides are also okay. Cats are not exclusive to catching mice. You can do it too. So what are you waiting for? Act quickly!
14. Zhen went to the roadside to buy pancakes. Zhen Xi: "Auntie, this bit of green seems to have fallen randomly into the girl's eyes. It is spread out flat in the sun. It is very refreshing. It is very refreshing and refreshing! If you can't bear to be roasted and tortured, wilted and scorched, Isn’t it a disappointment?” Auntie: “Talk to people!” Zhen Xi: “Don’t put green onions in the pancakes!” 15. My boyfriend went to have a wedding banquet, and there was a sudden power outage during the dinner. Everyone was worried that someone would steal the food, so they all suggested clapping and singing. While they were clapping, the electricity suddenly came on. When everyone saw it, one person was picking up food with one hand and slapping himself with the other.
16. A good man is a profound book, the more you read it, the more you become fascinated; a good woman is a crystal clear spring, the more you read it, the more interesting it becomes. A man is like a car, and he must not only be able to drive it, but also repair it; a woman is like a cup of tea, and she must not only be able to drink it, but also be able to taste it.
17. These days, I always miss you very much. During the day, your figure occupies my mind; at night, you appear in my dreams.
I think it's time for me to go find you, I really miss you... Roast Duck!
18. Once I went to a massage parlor and asked a girl to massage me. It turns out that girl is not very good at pressing it, and it’s uncomfortable for me to press it. I’m so hot! I turned to her and said, sister, come and lie down. Let me help you press it. What is massage? Then I pressed the button for an hour, and when I finally left, the girl complimented me on my skill.
19. A young man went to the master to name his son. Youth: Master, I want to name my son with an English name and a Chinese name. My surname is Lu. Master: It’s called Lurouji, and its English name is Wi-Fi.
20. A murder occurred on the highway today. A burly man with a heavy back and a baseball bat pushed out the car door and got out. As everyone screamed in surprise, he smashed a snail to pieces with a roar and muttered: "I've been putting up with you for so long, two hours, and you've been following me, and now you dare to overtake me."
21. What a god, with modern civilization, you can make money by making a fool of yourself, and it's not illegal. Otherwise, even if you say nothing about your ugly appearance, you will be sentenced to life. If you have to impose a sentence, then the sentence will be 10,000 years, but I like it, and I will visit the prison often!
22. Yesterday, I was bored at home and wanted to go out to play. My dad asked me what I was doing out there. I said that if you are ugly, you should go out for a walk more often. Dad replied that family scandals should not be made public. It seems that I am too ugly to stay on Earth. Goodbye, my embarrassing friends, I am going back to Mars.
23. Today I decided to muster up the courage to confess to the goddess I had a crush on for a long time, so I gave the love letter to her classmate who was sitting behind her. I waited quietly for half an hour but still didn’t see her. The goddess makes the slightest move, and I can't hold it in any longer! I rushed to her seat and said loudly to her: I have liked you for a long time! The goddess' face was red and before she could respond to me, I was kicked out by the invigilator!
24. Today in the cafeteria, I met a junior student who wanted to swipe his card for his junior sister, but she refused. I immediately took back her meal card, broke it, and left silently, hiding my merit and fame. Come on, junior! Seniors can only help you so far!
25. If you have more money, it is just a series of numbers; if you have less money, you can see the essence of life; when you are alive, the money is gone - a cup; when you are in heaven, the money is in the bank - laundering Tools; more money and less money are all God’s way of training people!
26. I have a girlfriend: if she tells me that she hasn’t eaten, I will feel hungry.
27. After military training, the handsome guy turned into a migrant worker, and the beautiful girl turned into a cleaner. Adam did not recognize Eve, and the Weaver Girl had never seen the Cowherd. Love, life, and career start from here. I hope everyone will set sail and create a bright future!
28. Who is the most miserable person in the world? Answer: Artillery company cooking squad soldiers! Question: Why? Answer: A cuckold takes the blame and watches others have sex.
29. Wedding, groom: In fact, after I fell in love with you, I also loved many people. The audience was in an uproar, and the bride was also stunned. Seeing this scene, the groom continued with satisfaction: Many people, including your parents, your family, and your friends. The audience burst into applause. The bride paused and asked: Does it include my besties?
30. The dragonfly said: "The plane was designed according to my body drawings." The bat said: "Who do you think you are? Without my ultrasonic radar system, the plane would have to become a flying chicken."
31. The person I love is a stunning beauty, and one day she will ride on a fire-breathing dinosaur to marry me. However, at the end of the story, I only saw her mount, but not its owner.
32. A couple was quarreling. The man couldn't win the argument and the woman just lay on the ground, motionless. The woman asked: What are you doing lying on the floor? The man’s answer: Dead! The woman asked again: Why are you still opening your eyes when you are dead? The man’s answer: I will never die with my eyes in peace! The woman asked again: Why are you still breathing? The man said: I can’t swallow this breath!
33. Life is a long road, who can take a few steps! The family needs to be taken care of, and the lover needs to be taken care of! There is a cook at home, a kind-hearted person outside, a good-looking person sitting across the table, and someone I miss far away! Keep two, keep one, and develop three, four, five, six, seven!
34. Morning exchange meeting, theme: You fool me, I fool you; lunch banquet, theme: You make me drunk, I make you drunk; afternoon commendation meeting, theme: You flatter me, I flatter you You; night dance, the theme: you hold me tight, I hold you tight; late night date, the theme: you have me, I have you.
35. The boss remembered that he did not bring his passport with him at the airport, so he said to the driver: "Go back and see if my passport is in the drawer on the right." The driver came back an hour later: "The passport is indeed still in the drawer. . ”
36. One day, I told you that you were a pig, and you said: It’s weird that I am a pig. So I started calling you a pig. Finally one day you couldn't help but declare loudly in front of everyone: I'm not a pig!
37. The young couple quarreled over a trivial matter. After the quarrel, the husband felt regretful and asked his wife to watch the scene of two horses pulling a cart outside. He said, "Why can't we move forward together like those two horses?" The wife said angrily. Said: "We are not two horses, because one of us is a donkey!"
38. Yesterday evening, I went to the ATM to withdraw money. The cash machine prompted that the balance was insufficient, "Fuck, why did I not get it?" Money!" When I turned around and saw the long queue behind me, I kindly reminded them to stop waiting in line if they had no money, so all the people behind them dispersed. I went back and thought about it for a moment, and I realized that the balance in my card was insufficient.
39. Question: What makes a man pursue a woman he doesn’t want to marry? Answer: What makes a dog chase a car he doesn’t want to drive? The same reason applies.
40. A best friend made a new boyfriend. After dating for a while, the girlfriend said: "You lied to me. Your dad is obviously a chef in a factory, but you said that more than 2,000 people depend on your dad for food!" "Her boyfriend said: "Yes, I rely on my dad's cooking to make a living!"
41. A matchmaker took a girl on a blind date and watched a handsome guy from a distance. Q: Is it possible? The woman answered: Is he willing? Answer: He takes a liking to you at first sight. After getting married, I saw a man with one eye and angrily asked the matchmaker, "I told you that he fell in love with you at first sight!"
42. The mother told her 5-year-old son the story of "Tadpole looking for its mother." After the story, the mother happily asked her son what he thought. The son said angrily: "Frog mother is so irresponsible. , let them look for it when the child is so young!" The mother was speechless.
43. Just now, the host returned to the apartment after get off work. Didn’t you just have dinner? I went to the toilet and rinsed my mouth in the water room and washed my face. My second colleague asked me with his eyes bulging, "What's going on?" Do you have to rinse your mouth after going to the toilet these days? I'm in the north. Why don't you rinse your mouth after going to the toilet? You only rinse your mouth after the whole family went to the toilet!
44. My father was smoking and watching TV in the living room. When he saw me coming back, he handed me one. I just lit up a cigarette when my dad suddenly took a photo and posted it on WeChat: My son was smoking at home and the whole house was filled with the smell of cigarette smoke, which made him angry. Then he said to me: Your mother is about to get off work. The smell of cigarette smoke will not go away for a while. You should run away!
45. The gray wolf said to the red wolf master: "Wife, I will catch a sheep for you to eat." The red wolf glared at it and said: "Silly, the divine horse mutton, in my opinion, is Is it Fuyun? If you want to catch him, just read this guy’s text message. It’s popular to eat pork!”
46. If you want to be happy all your life, do something! If you want to be happy for a while, become an official! If you want to be happy alone, dream! If you want your family to be happy, cook! If you want to make a circle happy, be the host!
47. I never knew that parting would be so sad, I never knew that missing you would be so strong, I never knew that loving you would make me so crazy.
But I know in my heart: I only love you!
48. A child stole a parrot from the hospital home. As soon as he entered the door, the parrot screamed: Moving! When he saw his mother, he yelled again: The boss has changed too! When he saw his sister, he shouted again: "The lady has changed too!" When he saw his father, he yelled again: We are still a regular customer!
49. Today my brother asked me to go to Rongchang and buy a ticket in Yangjiaping. I finally squeezed in. When I bought the ticket, it was a beautiful woman. He asked me where I was going. Me: Rongchang, I gave her 100. . Beauty: Oh, do you have one yuan per ***49? Me: Yes. I happily gave her a piece, but now that I have arrived in Rongchang, I seem to find something wrong.
50. I was having dinner with friends in the evening, and a child at the table next to me was watching Pleasant Goat on an iPad, and the sound was very loud. Not to be outdone, my friend picked up her phone and played the old version of the Water Margin theme song on a loop! One side is Pleasant Goat and Beautiful Goat, and the other side is taking action when it’s time to take action.
51. I miss you after not seeing you for a week. I want to find you every time I am hungry. In my mind, you are very important. I am willing to spend money to invite you to my house to bake and stir-fry. Hey, don't get excited, I'm talking about pork!
52. Green riverside grass, fried eggplant and pepper, one dish is not enough, let’s add a plate of shredded potatoes. Green riverside grass, tomatoes and cucumbers are all green vegetables, plus a chicken mushroom. These dishes are really good, really good.
53. Your characteristics: your face has big beads and small beads falling on a jade plate. It looks different from a distance, and it looks uneven when you look up close. You have two lobes in your eyes; you look like a fool with a disheveled head; your style: Brother Confidence belongs to the group, and Sister Feng belongs to the group.
54. Judge: Why did you steal the Zhang family’s cattle? Thief: I didn’t steal. Judge: How did this cow get to your house? Thief: I picked up a rope on the road that day when I was going home from the market. I pulled it home. When I got home, I found that there was a cow on the rope.
55. Today is the birthday of a boy who attracts wealth. He will definitely have his feet on the auspicious clouds, a halo of good fortune on his head, and a treasure book of wealth in his hand. Friends who want to get rich, quickly look out the window! If you haven’t discovered it yet, quickly read the secret code: Qi Gelong’s voice!
56. A lady went to take a snapshot. After taking the photo, I went to pick up the automatically developed photo. After reading it, I exclaimed: Why do I look like a monkey in the photo! The woman behind said coldly: That's mine, yours has to wait.
57. The woman asked a firefighter: "You must have spent a lot of effort to save me from danger, right?" Firefighter: "No, I fought off three firefighters for this!"
58. A man can’t find his girlfriend, so he has no choice but to go to fortune telling. Fortune teller: You are destined to have no women in the first half of your life. The man's eyes lit up: What about the second half of your life? The fortune teller said: You will get used to it for the rest of your life.
59. Kaifeng Hyundai is a real failure. It is windy and sunny every day. He claims to be militarized, smokes, drinks, gets into fights, and even wears the internet in the computer room. He claims that the internet speed is not bad. You have to charge five yuan at a time, and the school collects money really quickly.
60. Did you fascinate me? I don’t feel tired when I look at you all day long. I can’t even blink my eyes. I always look at you and accompany you every day. I live so happily! My favorite mobile phone!
61. Man: "The rain is really heavy today." Woman: "Yeah." Man: "That's because God is drooling on you." Woman: "So that's what I shaved just now. Is God farting on you? ”
62. There is a kind of tacit understanding that makes you stand when I am scolded; there is a kind of harmony that makes me sit while you stand; there is a kind of friendship that makes me stand. Eat meat and drink soup; there is a kind of blessing called sending text messages to make you happy.
63. Fortune teller: "Your daughter will definitely marry someone from the south." After hearing this, the mother pulled her daughter away with a sullen face. My daughter was very surprised, thinking that her mother didn’t like southerners. After returning home, my mother said: "This old fortune teller is really unreliable. If my daughter doesn't marry a man, will she marry a woman?"
64. A puppy climbed up on your dining table and approached a The roasted chicken crawled away, and you said angrily: "Whatever you dare to do to that roasted chicken, I will do to you." As a result, the puppy licked the penis and you fainted, and the puppy said happily: "Let's see who is cruel."
65. Wife: Husband, I have been losing weight for two weeks. Do you think I have lost weight? Husband: I haven’t eaten any meat for two weeks. How can I not lose weight? Wife: Where did you lose weight? The husband pointed at his face: I’ve lost weight here!
66. Bricks, also known as bricks, are one of the most distinctive cultural heritages of old Beijing. They are highly lethal, easy to carry, highly concealable, and not considered a murder weapon, so... It is the most suitable for you to use when taking pictures!
67. A girl scolded her husband: You have changed. You have focused on sex over friends all your life. Will a man’s brain go wrong as soon as he gets married? The husband replied: No, men only get married when there is something wrong with their brains.
68. Lai Changxing and Yang Yuying were walking on the beach. Lai pointed to the warship in the distance and said: I have spent enough money on you in the past few years to buy this warship. Yang Yuying said: The cannons you have fired on me in the past few years can also sink this warship!
69. A beautiful woman found that her lipstick was too heavy, so she wiped it with a wet tissue and threw it on the road. An old man picked it up, looked at it for a long time and suddenly realized, he caught up and said: Girl, your sanitary napkin fell out!
70. According to unreliable statistics, this greeting is 99 or 99 ahead of your friends, mainly because I often use thoughts to clear the memory, use happiness to start the speed, and use blessings to consolidate friendship.
71. Are you willing to give your happiness to me once? I promise to feed you into a little fat pig with full love.
72. Daughter: “Mom, where did I come from?” Mother: “Baby, you came out of my belly.” Daughter: “Then was I born or pulled out? ”
73. I count the cold stars, one point, two points and three points; I count the snowflakes, one, two and three; I count the banknotes, one, two and three cents; I count the little ones. Pig, hey, there is another one? Oh, you are reading text messages!
74. On Valentine's Day, my long-time crush sent a message: "Come to my house, there is no one!" I ran away excitedly! After knocking on the door for more than an hour, I found that there was really no one.
75. Xiao Li wanted to immigrate to the United States. His boss asked him: "Are you dissatisfied with your salary?" Xiao Li said: "Satisfied." "Not satisfied with your housing?" "Satisfied" "Is it because you are not satisfied with the Internet environment?" "You are not satisfied with the medical care and the children's schooling?" "Why do you want to immigrate if you are satisfied?"
76. "Zang Er" poem: "A coop, a straw hat, a small boat, a foot of silk fiber and an inch of hook; a song, a bottle of wine, and a person fishing alone in the river." Boat, two oars; hook, two rings; wine, two pot heads; autumn, two eyes. I understand your "two" best, so I send you the poem "Zang Er" for you to understand. Wish you happiness and happiness.
77. You take a boat and swim along the river, and the charming wind sings. Right and wrong go with the wind, and it's hard to rest even after having a drink. Bamboo bursting out of the bad column makes for a good question, and there is a lot of leisure in the place where you can play (egg) balls. (Please look at the first word of each sentence and read them together).
78. When I was in junior high school, a classmate always felt that his bicycle was slow. When he got home, he used pliers to loosen the screws around the wheel, thinking that it would be faster. The next day, during driving, the wheel flew out of the car body at high speed.
79. Reporter: "What contribution does football have to physical training?" "No." The coach answered. Reporter: "Why?" "Twenty-two people who need rest are running hard on the field, while 40,000 people who need exercise are sitting and watching."
80. My dear, you have changed, you have changed You are so strange, you are no longer the familiar you in my memory! Looking at your unfamiliar face, my heart breaks! How can you transform from a cute little tadpole into a little toad?
81. Health is strung into strings, and firecrackers are crackling; happiness is twisted into a rope, and it is tightly wrapped around you; happiness is turned into colored paper, folded into swans and let fly; SMS ringtones sound, and warm blessings are sent to your home. Happy!
82. Where is your transcript? the father asked the child who had just returned from school with great interest.
"I lent it to Varenka to scare his parents!"
83. Angry Passenger: Conductor, didn't I give you $5 to wake me up in Cleveland? ? Conductor: Oh my god, no wonder your seatmate is so opposed to me letting him get off there.
84. The baby gives his mother a flower and says: Mom, Happy Mother’s Day! May I ask where I come from? My mother started explaining for a long time how she got married to my father. Baobao was confused: My deskmate said he was from Beijing.
85. My cousin is in his forties. He started studying literature and failed the exam for three consecutive years. Then he practiced martial arts and fired an arrow in the martial arts field, which hit the drummer and drove him out. He changed his studies to medicine, wrote a good prescription, took it, and died.
86. The person I love has his own name, and the person who loves me is miserable. He either becomes bad in debauchery or becomes perverted in silence. ——Dedicated to Valentine’s Day!
87. The weasel proposed to the little police dog. Everyone laughed and said: This person is using the *** security expert system as a flower. You are the one. The weasel is furious! He raised his vagina and let out a breath of air and said to everyone: Do you smell the smell on my vagina? I am from the petrochemical system!
88. The same eyes have different views, the same ears have different ways of hearing, and the same hearts have different thoughts. The world can be more beautiful, as long as you are willing!
89. What a coincidence that I saw the girl opposite me doing that. The boss came over and said with an angry look on his face: I said you are no longer human. You don't do good things every day. What's the point? If you have no future, go out and work. The host left in confusion, then turned around and saw the boss wearing a telescope with a lewd smile on his face.
90. A visits B’s house every day. B’s dog always barked at A a few times at first, but then it stopped barking. A: "Your dog is so sensible. It recognizes people so quickly." B: "I have never introduced you to it. Mainly because you come so often that the dog doesn't bother to pay attention to you."
91. A: Yesterday I received a letter from a guy. The letter said that if I didn’t leave his wife, he would kill me. B: Wouldn’t it be over if you leave his wife? A: But that guy didn’t sign the letter!
92. When I went to work at noon today, I saw a man wearing exactly the same clothes as me and walking next to me. At this time, a girl came across and looked at him strangely. Between the two of us, the person next to me acted like nothing was wrong. After that, I heard the girl laughing. I just wanted to say, sister, wait a minute, he and I really don’t know each other.
93. Missing you is a happy thing! Loving you is what I will always do! Keeping you in my heart is what I always do! However, lying to you is what is happening!
94. The scenery of the North is covered with thousands of miles of ice and thousands of miles of snow; looking at the beautiful women inside and outside the Great Wall, millions of gentlemen are queuing up to pick them; I stand back, not daring to accept the call, and I am too shy to be afraid of losing my money; I'm here today to seek marriage. I want to find a beautiful girl to hold my arms with. I want to go through life hand in hand and have children and grandchildren. It will be a happy life.
95. Chief: Hello, comrades! Soldier: Hello, chief! The commander patted a soldier on the chest and said: How well these muscles have been trained! Soldier: Report to the leader, I am a female soldier!
96. I just went to the market after get off work at noon and bought a fish. The boss's wife called and said she had to go on a business trip in the afternoon. She asked me to prepare the materials and send them to her house. When I got home, I would put the fish in the living room while she packed her luggage on the second floor. I went upstairs to help and then suddenly thought of my fish. Just asked: Boss lady, is there a cat down there? The landlady said coquettishly: I hate it. Don’t you know that when you’re on a business trip?
97. A female colleague received a rose, looked at it for a long time, and suddenly asked me: Do you know how to make rose jam?
98. Flowers are similar every year, but people are different every year. Your birthday is coming soon, and this message I wrote with all my heart condenses my most sincere wishes for you. Happy birthday! Be happy forever!
99. Probably every girl will worry about not being able to get married sometimes, but it doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it. You just need to live your current life with peace of mind, do what you like, and become the person you like. Then, a few years later, you will find that what you worried about turned out to be true.
100. When studying geography, coal is all in Fushun, and iron is in Anshan. In the exam, coal is all () and iron is all (). Someone answered that coal is black and iron is hard.