The daughter cried to her father that she was raped by her boss and was pregnant. After hearing this, my father became furious and immediately found his boss. Boss: I'm very sorry, but that's the end of the matter. If I give birth to a son, I will give you 1 million yuan, and if it is a daughter, I will give you 500,000 yuan. Father: If I have a miscarriage, can I still give it a chance? Once upon a time, there were three good brothers. The eldest was called Liu Meng, the second was called Cai Dao, and the third was called Ma Fan. One day the trouble disappeared. The boss and the second child hurriedly looked for the third child everywhere, but they couldn't find the third child. So the boss took the second child to call the police. When they entered the police station, they shouted: My name is Liu Meng ( A gangster came to Ma Feng (trouble) with a Cai Dao (kitchen knife)! One day a lady went to buy meatballs. Lady: Boss, I want the two little ones to take away! Because business was good, after a while, the boss was afraid that he would make a mistake while he was busy, so before putting the pot on the pot, he asked: Miss, are those two small ones? The young lady blushed and replied bitterly: Boss, your two pills are the small ones! "Mommy, I'm 13 years old." "I know." "Can I wear a bra?" "No." "But my sister started wearing a bra when she was 13." "I said no. Yes, but no!" "Then can I use sanitary napkins?" "No." "My sister started using sanitary napkins when she was 13 years old..." "I said no. Yes!" "Then I can. "Shut up! You stupid son!" Fortune teller: You can ask me two questions
But the fee is 1,000 yuan. Customer: Isn't that too expensive? Fortune teller: Yes
You have one more question. Guest: What!!!! Is this also a problem? Fortune teller: Yes
Okay... Next person... One day
When my younger brother came home from school, he saw his older brother at the ***
So he asked his elder brother:
Brother, what are you doing?
My brother said Said
I was playing with my little brother
As a result, the younger brother ran back to the room
Suddenly yelled
The elder brother Go see him quickly
Just ask you what's wrong
My brother said
I'm playing with my little brother~ My brother said
Then why are you calling?
My brother just said
It spit on me
I slapped it~~.... A couple decided to divorce, and they were at loggerheads over the custody of their child... Wife: "The child was born in my tenth month of pregnancy, so the child should belong to me." Husband: "Have you ever used a vending machine?" I put 10 yuan in and a bottle of drink dropped. Is this drink mine or the one from the vending machine? ” When it comes to computer course selection, a student was preparing to pre-select courses for the next semester at the end of the semester, but this time the content of the system was not very good. Same, the content is as follows: "Hello Yangming University, please enter your student ID and press the pound sign. Press 5 to drop out, 6 to resume, and 7 to resume." Driven by curiosity, this student pressed "5" , then only heard the system reply "Drop out successfully", and the student's face suddenly changed. At this time, another hope emerged in my heart. Didn't you just hear that you had to press 7 to resume school? So he pressed "7" and only heard the system reply: "Sorry, non-students of this school are not allowed to use this system.
” Confucius’ cram school Confucius was the first person to open a subsidized cram school. Not only does it provide teaching, but it also stipulates the amount of tutoring fees and the benefits that can be enjoyed. $15 for those who are interested in learning → $15 registration fee, $30 Standing at thirty → hand over thirty two, you can only stand and listen to the lecture, $40 At forty, not confused → hand over forty two, you can ask questions until you have no questions, $50 Fifty’s destiny → hand over fifty two , you can know the questions for tomorrow’s quiz, $60 and sixty for your hearing → If you can afford this price, the teacher can tell you some jokes to make your ears easy for you, $70 and seventy → you can do whatever you want in class → whether you want to lie down, sit down or come to class It's up to you, Confucius, we're sorry for you~ I pulled it out too slowly. There was a biology quiz, and there was only one question: "Tooth decay, rotten radish, and pregnant woman." What do the three have the same thing? As a result, except for three people in the class, everyone else got duck eggs. Two of them scored 80 points. Their answer was: "It's all caused by insects!" Only one person scored 100 points. The genius's answer was: " "It's too slow!" Baseball Lao Wang and Lao Huang are very good friends. They have the same interest, which is playing baseball. Since they both love baseball, they agreed that if whoever dies first will be Let’s first see if there is baseball in heaven. One day Lao Wang died first, Lao Huang sadly lost a good friend, but one night Lao Wang entrusted Lao Huang with a dream, he said: "There really is baseball in heaven and you will be a pitcher tomorrow."
Reference: ME
"Fuwa" mascots The Beijing Olympic Committee has decided on five "Fuwa" mascots for the 2008 Olympics - "torch, panda, fish, swallow and Tibetan antelope" ”. Awang was very happy because he participated in a weekly quiz competition - "What are the same characteristics among the five mascots?" Awang had already sent in the answers and was confident that he would win the prize. He thought about it and suppressed it. I can't help but boast to my wife. The old lady knew that Awang had always been silly and frightened, so she suddenly woke up, so she asked: "What's your answer?" Awang said: "I'm going to tell you that the five Fuwa mascots have the same characteristics." "It shows the Chinese food culture..." The wife asked in surprise: "What? Food culture..." Awang said proudly, "Isn't it braised in a torch?" Stewed bird's nest, plus an antelope belly in clear soup, the Fuwa is so delicious! "I think of your mother... At the Asian meeting of multinational companies, Americans and British were invited to Taiwan for a meeting. They were invited to a Sichuan restaurant for dinner. The Americans took a bite of Wu Geng Chang Wang first, but accidentally ate very spicy chili peppers, so the Americans shed tears while eating. The British asked with concern: "What's wrong with you?" The American said: "Nothing! I just suddenly missed my mother in the United States and felt a little sad!" Later, the British also took a big bite of Wu Guangchang, eating When it comes to chili peppers, it’s also so spicy that it makes me cry.
The Americans also asked with concern: "What's wrong with you?" The British replied: "Oh, I also think of your mother!" When the Americans heard this, they felt very strange and asked: "The reason why you shed tears is because of my mother." What's the relationship?" The British man said: "I just think of your mother, how could you give birth to such a dishonest son?" Once upon a time, there was a big castle called Aaron Kwok, where a couple Andy Lau and Zhang Huimei lived. One day the couple
After eating Huang Zijiao, they went to Zhou Xingchi to drink water. Just as they were playing Ding Wenqi, Andy Lau was playing Shuqi. Suddenly a gust of wind blew, and a Wu Qilong appeared from the water. Wu Qilong was holding his hand. Holding Zheng Yijian, riding Huang Jiaju, he snatched Zhang Huimei away. At this time, Andy Lau held Zhou Hua sword and rode the Wen Zhaolun over Li Maoshan, passed Jolin Tsai, and jumped over the Luo River (I don’t know if it’s because of the age, I don’t know him very well) Finally, he snatched back Zhang Huimei and returned to Aaron Kwok. He also hung up the Ren Xian flag in the city. Later, Wu Qilong refused to give up and changed to a Zhang Weijian. He stepped on Jay Chou and came to Ke Cihai. He got on Zhao's boat and returned to Aaron Kwok. He snatched Zhang Huimei away and dismantled her. After taking the Renxian flag, he replaced the Liang Yong flag, so Andy Lau immediately sprinkled a handful of Ge Minghui to summon the Wu horse, and used it as a mount to carry the big May sky. There were another Xu Ruyun in the sky, and then passed through He Yaoshan, climbed over Zhang Zhenyue, and passed Chen Huilin. Crossing Chen Shanhe, he stepped on Hamasaki Ayumi and used his sword energy. Pan Ying's fingers scratched Wu Qilong's Mai Kuraki. Wu Qilong quickly picked up Wu Zong's thread and stitched it with Chen Qi, but he couldn't sew it together. He also beat up her pull-off pants, causing Wu Qilong's flying bird to cool. Wu Qilong had no choice but to Climbing up Xiaoqiang, he pooped Sorimachi Takako and returned home. Unexpectedly, Utada attracted Li Mosquito and Zheng Xiuzhi. He beat them to death on the wall of Zhao. After a million years, Sorimachi Takakoshi turned into a cross-island alloy stone. (I don’t know if this is an artist) I finally defeated Wu Qilong, but another day in June, another evil force appeared. It was the cult Nishikawa Guijiao who lived in Fan Yicheng. Their strength was really infinite. The boy under his command, Ke Mi, was also very strong. They ate it. Wearing Ainai Ricai and wearing Dai Ailing. One day, Komi ran out to play and saw Andy Lau helping Zhang Huimei KOBE on the cherry blossom tree path. They hid behind the wall and peeked... A redwood tree was planted next to it, and suddenly Komi didn't stand. So she fell into the Mitsui... Zhang Huimei found out that she was being watched. She quickly put on Kudo's new clothes... Andy Lau immediately used Hamasaki to kick Komi into Sun Yat-sen and took Zhang Huimei home to eat Sun Wu rice and kiss him. One day, I was on a train (the train in Harry Potter). There are four people: a young and beautiful woman and her mother; a student (male) and a male teacher who is very serious to him. Entering the tunnel, it was pitch black. Suddenly, a kiss was heard and someone was slapped. Everyone is thinking it, but not saying it. The beautiful young woman thought: It must be that student who wanted to kiss me, but he kissed my mother. Fortunately, my mother knew how to slap him! The mother thought: It must be that student who wants to kiss my daughter. Fortunately, my daughter knows how to slap him! The teacher thought: It must be that brat who kissed someone else's daughter, causing me to be slapped by the wrong person! Thirty years later, the student thought: My plan was perfect, I kissed my hand and then slapped the teacher! Nini is loved by everyone because everyone knows she is married, but she is so naughty. Today, the teacher asked him to write an essay. Thirty years later, his essay is as follows: The weather is nice today. My daughter and I went to a park near my house to play. I saw a woman whose clothes were rotten and her whole body smelled bad. Oh my God! He is actually my kindergarten teacher! Go for it! Xiaoli is a junior high school student, a member of the school's track and field team, and the little prince of running. One day, a new physical education teacher came to the school, and he happened to teach physical education in Xiaoli's class. During physical education class, the teacher announced a running race. Xiaoli was very excited when he found out and immediately started to warm up. So after the things were ready, the teacher immediately shouted: Start! Everyone ran out like an arrow, and Xiaoli was the first one in the lead.
The teacher thought to himself: This student is not bad, he is a talented person! Just as Xiao Li was about to run to the finish line, the teacher couldn't help the excitement in his heart and shouted to Xiao Li: Go ahead! Xiaoli immediately stopped and ran into the playground toilet... Then he heard the sound of flushing the toilet... (The whole audience was silent...)
Reference: jokes .station/
*** Speak English Many years ago, *** visited the United States. Foreign reporters were very curious whether the head of state of this country could speak English? Before the meeting, the translator happened to go to the bathroom. The reporters took advantage of the translator's absence and gathered around *** to ask questions. The foreign reporters asked in English: "Do you know who the first president of the United States was?" Xiaoping didn't understand, but he thought it should be the first time they met. Ask me what my last name is, and just say: "My last name is Deng" (Peking accent). The reporter thought: Oh~ "Washington - Washington (my last name is Deng)" is not bad! Then he asked: "Besides official business, what other activities do you and your wife want to do when you come to the United States?" Xiaoping wanted to ask me the first question: What is my last name? You must ask me my name next! Reply: "Xiaoping" (Beiping accent) The reporter thought: "Shopping (Xiaoping)"! ? It's quite fashionable. The reporter asked again: "Who is the current president of Taiwan?" Xiaoping couldn't break it off and wanted to find a translator, so he said, "Wait a minute!" (Lee Teng-hui) When the reporter saw that Xiaoping was leaving, he quickly asked again : "Who do you think will be the next president of Taiwan?" Xiaoping was confused when asked and replied impatiently: "Whatever!" (Shui Bian) Many years later. ． ． Sure enough, *** became president. Finally, the reporter asked: What is the biggest problem for mankind in the 21st century! ***: What's going on? (What happened = SARS.) D reporters all admire *** for knowing things like a god -w- Awakened a sleeping customer. "I asked you to wake me up at seven o'clock!" The customer looked at his watch and shouted. "I know that!" said the shopkeeper, "but the other travelers want breakfast.
""What does this have to do with me?" The shop owner said: "It has a lot to do with it! You are sleeping on our only tablecloth!"
Reference: me
If you want Tell a one-minute joke in English. I remembered an international joke about the opening remarks before the meeting between former US President Clinton and a Japanese Prime Minister named Hashimoto (I may have remembered it wrong). May be you can just call him prime minister, now say Li in English: I would like to tell a joke about the conversation beeen the Bill Clinton
the former US president and Hashimoto
the Prime Minister of Japan in 1997 before starting a conference. You know the Prime Minister of Japan is not so good in speaking English and so he has prepared and memorized the wers for the pre-set questions. The first question should be from Hashimoto: How are you? And he is expecting Clinton to wer “ I am fine. Thank you. And you?” Then Hashimoto should wer “ Me too. “ However. Clinton did not ask “And you? ： Instead he said “ I'm Hilliary's hu *** and” Hashimoto still wered: “ Me too” There was a long silence. Thank you
Reference: Me
Don’t wave to the orangutan Author/provider: 623 Never wave to the orangutan Waving: You know that waving means hello in human body language, but do you know what it means in the language of orangutans? An elder brother went to verify it himself. The following is the process and results of his verification: One day this man arrived at the zoo. , he saw the orangutan! So he waved to the orangutan, but was hit with a stone by the orangutan. He was confused and ran to ask the administrator. The administrator said: "In the body language of orangutans, waving means insulting, humiliating, and calling others ***, mentally retarded, imbecile... etc." "If you want to show kindness to them, you must face them. "Thumping my chest." A few days later...he came again! This time he learned wisely. When he saw the orangutans, he started beating his chest and yelling at them. At this time, he discovered something... A group of orangutans stood in a row and waved to him. ． ． ． ． ．
Reference: myself