Text/A Leaf
Although people born in the 1950s and 1960s have not experienced war, they have experienced 60 years of hunger. They have never truly enjoyed life. Because there are many brothers and sisters, most of them need to take care of their younger siblings. They have never felt the love of their parents, so this generation's childhood was unfortunate, with no happiness, only hunger and poverty. Most of them live a life without enough clothes and food to eat. New China has just been established and everything is waiting for improvement. The living standards of farmers are extremely low, and many originally poor families are even more stretched. My mother was born in this era.
"The Mid-Autumn Festival is coming in three days. How can the poor people be in the mood to celebrate the festival. In the farmyard of Lao Zhang's family, you can smell the fragrance of sweet-scented osmanthus from a long distance. Tonight, their The second child is about to be born, but the family is not happy because it seems that the child will come at the wrong time and add another burden.
The old man of the Zhang family worked in a drug store in the town when he was a boy. He worked as an apprentice for several years and learned some prescriptions for treating doctors. He helped many people in the surrounding villages to treat doctors, so people used to address him as Mr. Zhang. At that time, Mr. Zhang was already a cadre in the town, and he would do it ten months a year. Working in the town, the daughter-in-law often supports the life and work of a large family by herself. She has an elderly mother-in-law and a son who has just turned one year old and can't walk. She owns more than ten acres of land by herself. Working all day long, her frail body can hardly bear the pressure. Wouldn't it kill her to have another child waiting for her to be fed?
What should she do in the coming days? When the child was born, she turned out to be a girl, black and thin, only as big as a shoe. She looked like a pitiful and ugly kitten. The child in her belly seemed to have already known what her mother was thinking. After she was born, she cried once but lost her voice. The midwife tried her hands on the baby's nostrils and found that there was no breath. What could be wrong? Then everyone was in a commotion. Then the baby's grandmother spoke. I heard from the elders that there is a way to solve the problem, which is to put the dead child in the middle of the yard and hold it in a bamboo basket to watch the baby's fate. So someone quickly found a bamboo basket to wrap the baby girl and put it in the yard. , she was knocked down with a bamboo basket. Whether she lived or died depended on her own fate.
Maybe it was because the girl was lucky, or maybe she was placed on the ground and absorbed the aura of the earth, the sun and the moon. In the middle of the night, people in the house heard a slight cry outside, so Nvwa'er's grandmother hurriedly took her back. People said that Nvwa's escape from death was a blessing, but her mother shook her head with a wry smile. Who knows if another one is suffering?
Later, Mr. Zhang came back from the town and saw the sweet-scented osmanthus blooming in the yard, so he named the girl Guiqiu. She is very thin, with thin fingers and thin arms and legs. When the neighbor sees her, she always says that her name is wrong. She should not be called Guiqiu, but Qiu Gan'er.
Nvwa'er. When she was five or six years old, she became her mother's little helper. After she had three younger brothers, she helped her mother wash diapers and clothes for the younger brothers. As she got older and more ingenious, she also learned to make shoes and sew clothes. "
Guiqiu is my mother.
Most of my mother’s childhood memories were related to her grandmother. She was initially dissatisfied with her grandmother, but it was not until her mother became a mother and experienced ups and downs in life that she gradually understood her. Because the older generation at that time had a strong preference for boys over girls, my grandmother was more harsh and harsh on her mother than the boys, so it was inevitable that there would be favoritism in life.
The 1960s was a time of hunger when steel was being smelted. My mother said that many young people in the village died of starvation. There were funerals in the village every two days, and flocks of crows were seen in every house in the village. The heads are flying and screaming, which makes people shudder. And these children are always sitting hungry on the doorpost with their heads down, their necks are so thin that they can't even support their heads.
The people in this new unit are basically people who have been discharged from the original factories or supply and marketing cooperatives or whose units have gone bankrupt and have nowhere to go. My father is studious and motivated, and he is very popular. In addition, everyone knows his father. My father-in-law held the financial power of the county, and my father took some advantage of it. The right time and place, and my father worked from a clerk to a section chief, and then to a manager in seven or eight years.
Her mother always said that she never regretted choosing her father because her father always respected and liked her before the business failed and their relationship broke up. He praised her like a princess and did not do any housework. He didn't even let her do it. It was her father's habit to cook and wash clothes after work. Later, due to his busy work, his father took grandma to help with housework. Mother still only had to concentrate on going to work. During the first dozen years of her marriage to her father, the two of them never quarreled or became angry, which was the envy of others.
However, good things in the world are not fast, and when people want to live a better life, they will always develop in unexpected directions. Later, my parents took out loans to build a house. They owed a lot of foreign debts and were worried all day long. So they tried to prepare loans to start a business, so as to get rid of the debts as soon as possible. However, they were accidentally deceived and were even more in debt. But this is probably because the position of their parents makes it easier for them to get loans. It is true to the old saying that Xiao He succeeds and Xiao He fails.
My parents’ marriage did not go through financial ups and downs. They divorced, but my father and the woman who triggered the divorce were still together. My parents spent ten years in the process of divorce. All the debts were paid off, but our home was completely gone.
There were also some men who came to flatter her because of the compensation money her mother received from her divorce. Her mother wisely kicked these snakes and rats out. The mother made up her mind to live with her daughters for the rest of her life, and her two daughters were her treasures. The old aunt always laughed at my mother and said that she had never seen a daughter in eight lifetimes. The old idea of ??favoring sons over daughters was deeply ingrained in the hearts of people of their generation. Parents who are arrogant towards their daughters are stupid parents. However, my mother just doesn’t think she likes them. There is something wrong with my daughter. I think it’s also because she hasn’t enjoyed her parents’ favor since she was a child, so she wants to make up for this debt on us. She really made it up to my sister and I. My sister and I are in college and we still don’t know how to wash our own clothes, and we have never even raised a hand to cook. My mother does all the housework at home.
I remember when I was little, my mother was busy with work on weekdays and would always pile clothes into piles to be washed together on Sundays. The yard and the clothesline on the second floor platform were filled with clothes of our family on weekends. All kinds of clothes. My mother never paid attention to food and clothing. She was a good wife and mother. I remember that especially during the years when the family was in deep debt, she only wore a short-sleeved shirt with white background and millet and black flowers all summer. I don’t know what year it was made. It obviously no longer fits her. The clothes are short and narrow and can’t even cover her middle-aged waist. However, she is reluctant to buy new clothes for herself. She has to save every penny to pay for it. Indefinite debt. She did everything for her husband and daughter, and thought too little about herself, but everything was not as she thought. Her mother's efforts were not repaid in the best way. A mother's infatuation is to take care of her children in every possible way and cherish them even more. He gave all the dreams and care he had never had in childhood to his children.
After decades of mother-daughter bonding, the days when the three of us, mother and daughter, depended on each other will always be deeply remembered. We usually take care of our busy lives and work without feeling lonely, but when it comes to holidays, especially the New Year, The house was unusually deserted. Every year on New Year's Eve, my cousins ??would come over to help us post the couplets. After the couplets were posted, my mother would always try to persuade them to have a bowl of dumplings before returning, but they all went home separately because of the firecrackers. The sound kept coming and going, and people from all households gathered together to have a reunion dinner. I remember in the years before I got married, even though I was very timid, I still had to force myself to light firecrackers cautiously. My mother also persisted in her habit of celebrating the New Year all year round, and she still worked hard to clean the inside and outside of the house and return them to us. Make all kinds of delicious food, including steamed jujube steamed buns, fried sesame leaves, fish cubes, and boiled meat.
My sister got married before me, and my mother has been living with me for more than 20 years. She also helped me raise my son and regarded him as my darling. During my pregnancy, I lived and ate at my parents' house. My husband didn't own a house and ran a small business, but he was often too busy to take care of himself, so my mother also took on the responsibility of taking care of me. She didn't complain at all. The birth of her grandson seemed to have found light and hope in her life. The family has been laughing since then. I know she is willing to work hard no matter how hard she works.
Looking back on my mother's life, the happiest time was probably the years she lived with her father and the time she took care of her grandchildren.
It had snowed a little that day, and my mother, who had not ridden a bicycle for a long time, got on her Feige bicycle and hurried to the hospital to see us that afternoon. When she first saw her little grandson, he looked cute and honest. Her heart softened when she had a slightly playful face. When the child was one month old, we returned home and she took on the important task of caring for and caring for my grandson for ten years. Later, when she went to school in the city, my mother came without hesitation and came to help take care of my home and my child. When the child was in the fourth grade, I thought that my mother would finally enjoy a happy life when she no longer had to be picked up or dropped off. However, her blood pressure increased, which led to a cerebral infarction, and she began to suffer from a long period of illness.
Over the past eleven years, my mother has suffered a lot of pain and suffering, but she endured every difficult year and still wanted to accompany her daughter and provide us with support. As the saying goes, a family is always a treasure. My mother once said that no matter how my sister and I didn't have a caring father, at least we still had a mother in the world to care about. She didn't understand it at all when she said this. In November, my mother broke her left leg due to a fall and was hospitalized for surgery. She passed away a week later. She was no longer heartbroken and regretful and could not make up for it. She added more guilt to the original debt. Now that she has lost it, she realizes how precious it is! Everything can no longer be undone, cannot be found, cannot be recalled. The most selfless person in the world is gone, and now I am an orphan.
I am also surprised that I have no feeling for food in the past few days, and what I eat is like chewing wax. I always feel that it is a pity that my mother was not able to enjoy the delicious apple snacks left on the table. She is too sick to eat sweets, but this is her favorite. I was rough and lazy and had never been careful about my diet. My mother always ate from everyone. It was not until she suffered from long-term constipation that I made vegetable noodles for her only a few times. I can't count more than five times. The older generation all say that there is a limit to how much a person can eat in this world. Until that morning in the intensive care unit, I gave her six tubes of noodle soup and one tube of tea. Within half an hour, her condition became very bad. It wasn't until the doctors carried out the rescue in twos and twos as if on an errand and closed the door that we were outside and had no idea what was going on inside. The doctor didn't notify us until my mother died. After her mother passed away, she couldn't eat, see, hear, do anything, and didn't have to do anything.
After taking care of my mother’s funeral, I returned home exhausted, looking at things and thinking about people. Suddenly, a big living person was missing. I was fine more than ten days ago, and I couldn’t help but burst into tears. There are sad memories everywhere in the empty house, and deep down in my heart, I feel guilty and heartbroken! The son wants to be filial but does not want to be loved by his relatives. I dare not think of this sentence and do not want to chew on it. At this moment, I am experiencing such pain, and I feel the same way. Children are too messy. Their parents don't know how to cherish them when they are alive. They are always stubborn, always hurt and ignored at will, and sometimes even become their own punching bag. Now I have so many regrets when people are gone. Why do I always wait until they leave before I grow up and become sensible? My mother is the person I treat most casually in my life. She seems to be just here to repay her daughter's debts in this life, not at all. She won't get angry or vindictive because of her daughter's unreasonable behavior. She often makes excuses for me after quarreling with her. She is very considerate and knows that I am angry or unsatisfied outside. If she says she is angry, just take it out on her. Now that I am no longer angry, my mother left in a hurry, what else can I say, I am really not worthy of being a child!
I just want to say one thing, if I could live my life over again, I would never treat my mother like that.
I will no longer quarrel with her, force her, make her angry, or blame her. I will no longer be reluctant to step forward when she is in great pain. I will no longer let her do things she doesn’t want to do. I will no longer hide her favorite snacks. I will no longer hide her favorite snacks. I would not risk my mother's life by undergoing surgery without listening to the advice of the old Chinese doctor. I know that my mother will not blame me at all, nor will she bear any grudge against her daughter. My old uncle advised me that there is always a reason for people to leave when they grow old. My mother has been sick and suffering for eleven years. This can be considered a relief for her, so I should not blame myself too much. But when a daughter faces her mother's departure, the regret in her heart is destined to be buried deep throughout her life. If there is reincarnation in the world, I hope my mother and I can exchange things. I will be her mother and she will be my daughter, so that I can make up for my deep debt to my mother.
Last night there was a cool breeze and cold rain, and some guests came to sit and laugh and talk. I was bored and didn’t want to join in. My old mother had just passed away and had nothing to do with others. They seemed to have lost their livestock and had no feeling.
Tossing and turning in the middle of the night, I had a dream while half asleep: "In a three-story ancient house, a beautiful woman opened the window of the embroidery room on the top floor to look at the scenery outside. She had a pair of children who had been taken away by the wet nurse and were being fed in a side room. After being coaxed to sleep, the young woman stood in front of the window and saw two or three winding vines growing rapidly, blooming with colorful flowers, which were extremely enchanting. They climbed up to the window that she could touch. She paused for a moment and continued to climb up. The dress is dignified and elegant, and the charcoal fire in the house has turned red in early winter. On the table of the Eight Immortals is her unfinished embroidery of mandarin ducks playing in the water, and a book of poems. Next to it, the ink on the silk paper is not dry. She and her husband are very affectionate, and they treat each other as guests. Calm as water."
After I woke up, I suddenly realized that this was my mother's dream, telling me that this was her beautiful life in another world? There is no more illness, sorrow, and no grievances and deceptions. Everything is as calm as a fairyland, as if traveling through ancient times, and like images of past lives. She paid her debt in this life and went to enjoy happiness where she should go.
The ancient Liu An's "Huainanzi" said: A loving father does not love his son in return. Parents all over the world raise their children, which is a lesson for their children to truly grow up after separation and death. The dead are gone, but the living are like this. How will I live in the rest of my life? My mother’s frustrated life has given me the best answer: live well, enjoy the blessings she did not enjoy, get what she did not get, This is the best compensation for her. Her mother in heaven must also expect this, right?
Mother, your daughter should be strong! I will learn to cherish the time I am alive. No matter how big the difficulties are, no matter how unreasonable the people are, no matter how incredible the things are, I will be unstoppable, because I know that if people want to live well, no one is worthy of my anger. To care about it. I also want to learn to be alone, so that I can gain wisdom and spend every period of the rest of my life!
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About the author: A leaf. Things are like spring dreams that leave no trace. If the passing time is not written down in pen and ink, it will disappear without a trace, and it will be a failure to live up to the love of heaven.