Short jokes and stories

1. Slippery inside, oily inside

Two thieves conspired to steal a house together People steal. The younger one said: "When I first stepped on the springboard, you were the master. You entered the room and I stayed outside." ?

The master said: ?That’s fine. ?

So they first drilled a big hole in the outer wall, then one person stood guard outside the hole, and the other entered the house to pack things in sacks.

After the guard at the entrance of the cave pulled out two sacks of things, he immediately sealed the entrance tightly, picked up the sacks and left. The sack was very heavy, but I felt that the heavier it was, the better. After walking for a while, I couldn't help but look back and sang: "It's oily inside, oily inside, all my belongings belong to me, I'll leave you in the house." ?

He picked and picked, and as the road was long he was out of breath and soaked in sweat. Not far from home, he wanted to put down his burden and take a rest, but at this moment, someone suddenly sang in the sack: "It's oily inside, oily inside, you pick up a load of property, and I'm on both ends." ?

It turns out that the master who broke into the house to steal had been prepared for it, and finally put himself in the bag. At this moment, he was very happy. Not only did his peers not take advantage of him, but they actually picked him off a few miles away.

2. Someone misses you again

There is a doctor who has no medical skills at all and only relies on big words to get people to seek medical treatment. He has a son and a daughter, a family of four, and his life was originally peaceful, but a misdiagnosis caused the boy to die, so he had to pay for his son. The second time, he killed his daughter and compensated her again. In the middle of the night, while the couple was sleeping soundly, someone knocked on the door again and asked him to see a doctor. He was so frightened that he hugged his wife tightly and asked the knocker: Who is sick in your family?

The man replied Said: "My wife." ?

When the doctor heard this, he burst into tears and said, "Mom, we are afraid that our husband and wife are coming to an end. We have lost both our children, and now someone misses you again." ?

3. Father and son drugstore

The father and son opened a drugstore. The father went out to see a doctor and write prescriptions, and the son picked up medicine according to the prescription in the drugstore. That night, when his father went home for dinner, his son complained: "My father should use smaller amounts of medicine in the future." For example, one Achyranthes bidentata is a lot. Why do you prescribe four of them in one prescription? Go and see, that big ox cut off four of its knees and now it can't get up. ?

Without saying a word, my father ran to the cattle pen to look at the scalpers. Seeing that the cow's knees were all chopped off, he was angry and funny, but he immediately realized that he should not have written "money" as "qianqian", and "qianqian" was not written well, and it was very similar to "qian", so his son Think of thousands of people as individuals. The more he thought about it, the more regretful and angry he became, but the more he blamed his son. He pointed at his son and cursed: "I will give you four thousand (money) of achyranthes, but you will chop off four of the cow's knees." If I drive Fritillaria, will you give your mother to others?

4. Stay true to your profession

There was an old man who raised three daughters. The eldest daughter married The second daughter married a Taoist priest, who could earn living money; the younger daughter married a teahouse owner, who has a smart mind and has no worries about food and drink.

One day, the old man was feeling a little unwell, and his three sons-in-law came to visit him.

As soon as the eldest son-in-law entered the door, he asked in a long voice like on the stage: "Old father-in-law, what disease do you have?"

The second son-in-law was used to chanting sutras and then said: "The deceased soul." , the dead souls occasionally get wind and cold. ?It doesn't matter what he said, the old father-in-law was so angry that he picked up the urinal and threw it at the second son-in-law.

The little son-in-law is indeed a teahouse owner. He has quick eyes and quick hands. He took the urinal and shouted: "Another pot of good tea." ?

5. Another reward of 50 coins

Zhang San is a eloquent person. One day, the county magistrate had nothing to do and asked him to come to the lobby to say good things. Zhang San asked the master to propose a topic. At this time, someone brought a turtle to the master. The master said that the title should be turtle.

So Zhang San said smoothly: "The old turtle was born in the mud, and it walks in the mud and gets stuck in the sand." The turtle-catching brother came to see the poplar strips on the street. ?

The master said: ?Well said, let’s use watermelon as the topic again. ?

Zhang Sandao: ?The watermelon is round, with green, red and black inside. The master buys it with money and eats it, leaving the inside out. ?

?If you speak well, I will reward you with 50 copper coins. ?

Zhang San got the reward, thanked the master and walked out. At this time, there was a big horse outside the door. Zhang San praised it repeatedly when he saw it. The master said: "You give the white horse a few words of praise. If you praise it well, the white horse will be rewarded to you." ?

Zhang Sandao: "The horse is as white as silver, with not even a hair on its body." Wearing a saddle and walking with others will make you look high-spirited and majestic. ?

The master really rewarded Zhang San with the white horse. He was so happy that he put the money on the horse and led the horse away. The horse suddenly fell down.

The master asked: "What's going on?"

Zhang Sandao: "It's light at the same time and heavy at the same time, the master's kindness cannot carry it." ?

?Another reward of 50 hangings. ?

6. A bushel of barley tells a fortune

There was a woman whose husband was not at home, so she invited a fortune teller to her home to tell her fate. The husband asked her to tell her birth date, and then he counted with his fingers and said: "You are Jiaziyi, Jiazi Ding is good, Wuzi is good, Renzi is even better." A good life like yours is worth a bushel of barley. ?

After the fortune telling, the woman hid an ax when giving wheat. The blind man took the wheat bag, reached in and fumbled around. When he touched an axe, he wanted to ask what was going on, but he immediately changed his mind and said: "Sister-in-law, you have a good life. I'm afraid today There's a butt-kicking disaster at night. ?

In the evening, when her husband came home, she told her husband about the fortune telling. The husband said: You are a fool. He is saying that Jiazi is ugly, Bingzi is ugly, Shuzi is already ugly, and Renzi is ugly. Do you know the importance of telling a fortune based on a bushel of barley?

The wife said: "Actually, the blind man was deceived. I hid an ax in the barley, and he didn't even know it." ?

The husband couldn’t laugh or cry. He pointed at his wife and cursed: “You are too smart. A bushel of barley tells a fortune, and you use an ax in vain.” ?While scolding, he kicked his wife to the ground.

The wife said to herself: What a good fortune teller, he predicted that I would have a disaster tonight, and it was indeed good, and I couldn’t even hide from it. ?

7. Three lazy men

There are three lazy men. A has a runny nose and rarely wipes it; He is itchy; B has not bathed for many years, and his body is full of lice.

One day, the three of them were chatting together. When the conversation was interesting, A's nose was dripping with tears. He suddenly changed his words and said: "That day, I saw a row of geese flying in the sky. I immediately took my bow and shot them down with one arrow." ?As he spoke, he took the opportunity to wipe his nose with his arm.

B’s head felt very itchy at this time, so he deliberately looked a little unconvinced and said: "What's so strange about this? I saw many sheep with many horns on their heads that day," while saying , while scratching his head with his hands, he said, "This is also a horn, that is also a horn." ?

C was extremely distressed by the lice on his body, so he shook himself off and said: "Don't talk about it, I'm afraid, I'm afraid." ?

The people watching the excitement couldn’t help it and burst into laughter.

8. The old gentleman left in despair

There was an old gentleman who thought he was knowledgeable and often wanted to test others. That day, he met a woman from a neighboring village on the road. He said that the woman was smart, so he wanted to test her. He stroked his beard with his hand, thought about it, and said: "This eldest sister, they say that women are all handsome. Men have long beards, but women have long beards?"

The little girl glanced at the old gentleman, Feeling angry and funny at the same time, he said: "I also have this kind of beard. It's not my fate to grow low." ?The old gentleman was so ashamed that he walked away in dejection.

9. The unavoidable uncle-in-law

The three uncles, the eldest uncle and the second uncle are hospitable and enthusiastic. They come and go and never care about food and drink. My uncle is very stingy and specializes in eating other people's food. It is inevitable for his two uncles to treat guests to dinner, but he never invites them. As time went by, his two uncles began to look down on him and always wanted to avoid him when drinking.

On this day, the two uncles quietly brought the food and wine to the boat and rowed the boat to the center of the lake. They thought that even if they had wings, it would be difficult for them to fly here, so they should take their time and drink well. Had a drink. While the two were raising glasses to drink, they suddenly saw a large wooden cabinet floating not far away. Seeing that the wooden cabinet was 80% to 90% new, the two of them put down their wine glasses and rowed a boat to fish it out. The wooden cabinet was very heavy and must contain many good things. The uncle and uncle were very happy. After getting on the boat, they eagerly opened the cupboard door. Ah, the two uncles were shocked. It turned out that there was my uncle in the cupboard.

The eldest uncle said hurriedly: "My second uncle and I wanted to enjoy the snow scenery in the lake, but we were afraid that you wouldn't be interested, so we didn't shout." ?

The younger uncle said: ?It doesn't matter, am I here to join in the fun?

The second uncle said: ?Okay, let's drink and make four sentences at the same time. Those who cannot do it are not allowed to drink. ?

The younger uncle raised his hands in approval and asked the elder uncle to come first. The uncle took a sip of wine and said: The snow falls in the sky in a blur, and it falls clearly on the ground. It is easy for snowflakes to fall to the ground, but it is difficult for snowflakes to return to the sky. ?

The second uncle also took a nice sip of wine and said: "Mozi was confused when grinding the inkstone, but it was clear and clear when he wrote it on the paper. It is easy for Mozi to form a character, but it is difficult to form a character for Mozi." ?

But the uncle showed disdain, took a big sip of the wine, swallowed it slowly, and said: "I was confused in the cupboard, but I stood on the boat and it became clear, please." It is easy for me to eat, but it is difficult for me to treat you to eat. ?

The eldest uncle and the second uncle shook their heads and smiled helplessly, and had no choice but to invite the younger uncle to the table.

10. Doctor, Earth Master, Bai Chi

Doctor, Earth Master ①, Bai Chi. The three of them often eat and drink together, but Bai Chi never pays the bill. This time the Earth Master proposed that no matter who it was, he must say four words and put the eight words "Heaven, Earth, Front, Back, Left, Right, and None" on top. If he couldn't say it, he would have to pay for the meal. .

I studied for nothing and did not read much, thinking that today was enough. He wanted the doctor and the earth master to speak first.

The doctor said: There is a Tianmen lamp in the sky, a bone skin on the earth, Qianghuo in front and Magnolia officinalis behind. The left hand holds ink and the right hand holds a pen. Ask me if I have ever put anyone to death, no. ?The Qianghuo and Magnolia officinalis mentioned by the doctor are the names of the medicines.

The Earth Master said: The sky has astronomy, the earth has geography, there is a dragon in front, and there is a pulse in the back. The blue dragon on the left and the white tiger on the right. Ask me if I have done any bad things in my life, no. ?

They both said it, and they said it very well, and they were anxious for nothing. But he was able to gain wisdom in a hurry, so he said calmly: "The sky will not destroy the people who have no way, and the earth will not grow grass without roots. There is a big table in front and a chair behind. I hold a cup in my left hand and chopsticks in my right hand. I asked I can pay no bills in my life, no. ?

A free meal is a free meal. After eating, I left feeling satisfied.

Note: Earth Master: Mr. Feng Shui.