It's been ten years since I read what my mother wrote about our growth process. I have been in a hurry for ten years. In the meantime, I have been away from home and working everywhere. From one city to another, I have been to every strange city. Alienation from the beginning has gradually become a habit. Without careful consideration, I really didn't realize when I could sleep so well away from home.
What was my mother doing while I was away? It suddenly occurred to me that when I was a child, when my mother spent the night at menstruation's house, I always felt empty. I felt that I was very close to menstruation, but I just didn't want to be separated from my mother. I spend less time with my mother now than when I was a child. One year, I went back to Taiwan Province for work and Chinese New Year, but I stayed at home for less than half a month.
What was my mother doing while I was away?
Sometimes, I get a message that she is eating fried pork chops alone in the restaurant; Sometimes, I will see photos of her wearing new clothes and proudly say how cheap she bought them; Sometimes, she will be seen climbing mountains and soaking in hot springs, and the whole station will pass by. At that time, she looked and sounded smiling, but didn't she feel empty and unfunded like a child?
Zhang Junning's mother, Maychg Zhen. Image source: Commonwealth magazine database
She said that the older she gets, the more she recalls the past, and travel always impresses her. So in recent years, when there is a gap in work, even if it is only for a few days, my sister and I will take her out for a walk, sometimes in Sun Moon Lake and sometimes in Japan. Only at this moment, we stopped working and didn't catch a trip, didn't catch a plane, didn't catch a trip.
At this time, we are like three sisters, drilling in the same bed and chatting about my sister's marriage, children, my life and so on. Of course, this is just my trip with my mother. The two of us watched maple leaves hand in hand at the Golden Pavilion Temple, and listened to my mother quoting Yukio Mishima's famous work "Golden Pavilion Temple", thinking how knowledgeable my mother was.
The older you grow up, the more you know different mothers. Sometimes my mother will become another person I don't know, both strange and far away. She gushed on the podium and was confident and calm when interviewed, which was different from the coquetry who wanted to participate in the whispering between my sister and me. We neglected her because we were busy with our work, and she became fragile because she missed us, unlike our mother, who we thought would last forever. The more we grow up, the more we find that the mother we usually know is to protect us from harm and pretend to be a strong mother.
Just like a story I heard when I was a child, "Mom loves to eat fish heads", mom always leaves the fish to the children, and the children take it for granted that mom loves to eat fish heads.
While realizing this truth, it makes me feel ashamed and distressed.
Over the years, as we became more and more independent, I gradually saw the real mother. She is sensitive, fragile, humorous and generous, which always makes me admire in the world of words. This mother always shines with her keen experience and observation, as well as her delicate, sincere but full of images. On the other hand, her physical condition began to deteriorate, her eyes and sleep problems became more and more serious, and her psychological needs for my sister and me were more easily affected because we were not around.
As long as she goes back, she will always think it over. She can still sleep well outside these years. It's not that I don't need her anymore, but that I have a safe place in my heart. In the distance, the home she has been guarding. When I was a child, I was afraid to live in other places because I was afraid of being left there. It's a feeling of abandonment. Now, because I believe that no matter where I go, as long as I go back, she will always be there.
Will she always be here? I can't imagine life without her.
Time is so slow and so fast. Opportunity cost tells us that everything has a price, which is also a question that every child who works hard for his dream should think about. Companionship is what she needs most now, and it is also the least we can give her. It hurts every time I think about it.
While trying to achieve balance, I look forward to a more wonderful life for my mother. I expect her to be healthy and clever in the literary world, and she doesn't need to hide herself for us, nor does she need to be strong. Because in our hearts, all we need now is a "be yourself" mother, who is so cute that I am surprised!
About the author | Zhang Junning
He graduated from Taipei University with a bachelor's degree in law and a master's degree in law from the Institute of Industrial Economics of Central University. A well-known actor, who won the Best Actress Award at Taipei Film Festival.
* This article is excerpted from The Sculptor's Face published in The Times. Please do not reprint without permission.