Zhou Yu: I’m not willing to give in. I’m so unwilling to give in! I, Zhou Gongjin, am naturally beautiful and intelligent, but why am I always so little inferior to Kong Ming?
The King of Hell: This is fate.
Zhou Yu: I’m not willing to give in. Can you give me a chance to retaliate?
King of Hell: Yes! But you will lose your intelligence as a result.
Zhou Yu: (looking confused) How could such a thing happen? Can I beat Kong Ming if I become stupid?
The King of Hell: This is fate. Do you want revenge?
Zhou Yu: (gritting his teeth) OK!
The reincarnation car took away Zhou Yu, and a fat baby named Adou was about to be born.
(Liu Bei's palace, Mrs. Mi is in labor.)
Imperial Physician: Take a deep breath and use your strength! Work harder! ! !
Mrs. Mi: Oh~~~~Oh~~~~~Oh~~~~~Thank you! Out! ! ! ! ! ! yeah! !
Imperial Physician: Da Tiao~~~~~~~~ Finally got it out? After you poop, should you go back to bed and continue giving birth?
Liu Bei: Hey, when you give birth to a child, you happen to be in a hurry. It seems to be an ominous sign! My daughter-in-law has no future...
Mrs. Mi: Damn, your wife has no future! !
Imperial Physician: Everyone, be quiet. I have touched my little penis!
Liu Bei: Can you give birth soon?
Imperial Physician: Bingo! One, two, three, I’ll do it~~~!
Mrs. Mi: Damn, you pulled the wrong one. Quickly coil up my intestines and put them back again, okay?
The Imperial Physician: I am so Sorry...
(After a while)
Imperial Physician: I’m sorry, I will definitely win this time! One, two, three, I'm pulling it out! ! !
Liu Bei: I also became a father! ! Tell me, is it a boy or a girl?
Imperial Physician: Don’t worry, let me touch it and see... Hey, it’s actually hairy all over your body?
Mrs. Mi: Damn, now that the child has been born, don’t keep touching my body!
Liu Bei: %@#$^!% Quickly bring the child over and let daddy see it!
Imperial physician: Here you are! (Pick the child up and let Liu Bei look at it carefully)
Liu Bei: Wow~~~~~~ What a monster! ! ! With a red face and a black body, he even held a feather fan in his hand! ! !
Imperial Physician: I have also noticed something fishy for a long time. Please forgive me for not being able to say it clearly.
Liu Bei: You might as well say it directly.
Imperial Physician: Mrs. Mi gave birth when she was only seven months pregnant. I think there must be an affair!
Mrs. Mi: The slave family is wronged!
Guan Yu: It’s really none of my business!
Zhang Fei: Yes, it really wasn’t me, my second brother, and Kong Ming who did it!
Kong Ming: (Kneel down on the ground) Amen, come and see Jesus with us! Congratulations, lord! ! !
Liu Bei: If it weren’t for the military advisor’s reminder, I would have almost trusted the sycophant and accidentally killed Zhongliang! Doctor, why don't you get out of the way quickly?
Imperial Physician: You guys are so cruel...
Mrs. Mi: Look! The baby seems to be starting to talk!
Baby boy: 咩~~~~~~~~
Liu Bei: Oh my god! You will call me mom when you are born!
Guan, Zhang: Prodigy! It’s simply the reincarnation of Zhou Yu!
Liu Bei: Military advisor, what would be a good name for such a smart boy?
Kong Ming: Let’s call him Liu Chan! Use a polyphonic name and leave it to future generations to debate!
Liu Bei: Okay, let’s call him Liu Chan! What about the nickname?
Wang Xiaoming: Here it is! What do you want me to do?
Liu Bei: Damn, I didn’t ask you to appear. There is no supporting role for you in this episode! I just want to say: What is Liu Chan’s nickname that is easier to guess? You can feel free to express your opinions!
Zhang Fei: Ah Mao! It gives people a lively feeling!
Guan Yu: Ah Gou? Okay? Isn’t it good? Thanks!
Kong Ming: Adou! Adou Adou, nonsensical and funny--yeah!
Sun Qian: A Niu? If you give me the same name as Xiang Shaolong, your sister will be very popular in the future!
Mrs. Mi: Sneeze! Damn, I just gave birth to a baby, did I catch a cold? Everything below the toes is numb from the cold...
Liu Bei: I think it’s better to use Xiao Ming’s name. It’s a well-known human name...
Kong Ming: Yeah!
(In a blink of an eye, winter turns to spring, Liu Chan turns one year old)
Liu Bei: Adou’s first birthday is today in a blink of an eye. According to the tradition of our hometown in the countryside, today we let Adou Come to "catch the week"?
Zhang Fei: Zhou Zhou? Does it sound like the name of a conductor?
Guan Yu: You are mentally retarded, you are not Zhou Zhou, you are Zha Zhou!
Zhang Fei: Catch Zhou? Have you heard about it too?
Guan Yu: No.
Zhang Fei: Damn! Brother, what does "Zhou Zhou" mean?
Liu Bei: On the day when a child turns one year old, put some "Xi Travels" by Kizi, an ax for shaving feet, silver coins, peaches, etc. in front of him. Take a look. Which thing will he catch...
Guan Yu: Oh? So what do they mean if you catch them?
Liu Bei: If he catches money, it means he likes money more. If he catches books, it means he will like books more in the future~
Guan and Zhang: Damn, shake. Click me?
Liu Bei: If he catches an ax, it means that he prefers axes in the future. If he catches a peach--
Zhang Fei: It means that he prefers peaches! The Silver Capital of the Earth is in charge
Liu Bei: Pig head, catching peaches means he will live longer! Do you still dare to say with a straight face that you are the earth? I fight!
Guan Yu: ...Then why don’t we lay out everything now and let Adou catch it!
(After a while, the arrest begins)
Liu Bei: Baby, hurry up! Just grab whichever one you like! Let’s see whether you will be a turtle-eared cap or a spicy and spicy person in the future? Which one has more blessings or greater destiny?
Guan, Zhang: Yes, yes! Go find your favorite catch now!
Adou: Gu beep! ! ! (I caught you!)
Liu Bei: Damn, don’t catch my little Didi! Let go! I'm still holding on tight...
Okay, now I have completely told the situation after Liu Chan was born, and I have laid the wonderful foreshadowing for the story I am going to tell next. .
Next, I suddenly changed my writing and started our episode of "Ride the Savior Alone" today!
It is said that after the fire in Xinye, Guan Yu and Kong Ming had already sent to Jiangxia for help. Zhao Yun protected the old and young, Zhang Fei cut off the rear; Head to Gangneung.
Xuande: All the people who fled with me! In these days of warm spring and blooming flowers, we walk together in the rivers and lakes with the footsteps of spring. Isn’t it one of the great pleasures in life!
People: Talking pig head, who are you?
Liu Bei: Damn, you won’t recognize me if I call you "Xuande"! I didn’t expect that just such a small increase in difficulty would be too much for you? Here, let me first introduce a little common sense to you audience friends: In addition to their real ID, ancient Chinese people often also had a vest. According to the records of the Three Kingdoms, the ID of Liu Bei is Xuande, so Xuande refers to Liu Bei!
Common people: Oh, so you are Lord Liu Bei? Wouldn't it be clear to everyone if we told you earlier? I didn’t expect that the straw sandals we wore were all made by you, and they were even stamped with your special seal for watering! So everyone ran for their lives and the soles of their feet felt very comfortable, leaving Cao Cao's pursuers far behind.
Liu Bei: Finally, I would like to ask you all, do you regret having traveled such a long journey and suffered so much?
People: Regret!
Liu Bei: Damn, I hope that everyone can see the situation clearly. Now, Xinye has been burned by Kong Ming with his pubic hair. If we go forward, we still have five hundred miles left from the finish line. If we go back, we still have 500 miles to go. We have to walk fifteen hundred miles; shall we go forward or back?
People: Go forward!
Liu Bei: Well, what a touching story this is, what lovely people!
(One day, Xuande was walking with Jian Yong. While they were walking, a strong wind suddenly blew in front of the horse. The dust rose into the sky and covered the red sun.)
Liu Bei: Ah ! ~~~~~~~~Jian Yong, you are proficient in Yin and Yang, what sign is this?
Jian Yong: My lord, don’t panic, let me teach you a lesson - dig a hole, dig a handful of soil, and count one, two, three, four, five...
< p>Liu Bei: What kind of spells are these?Jian Yong: OK, lord, let’s see what lot you got?
Liu Bei: "District"? What does this sign mean?
Jian Yong: Please, please show some professionalism. Why are you looking sideways? Stand up and look!
Liu Bei: Stand it up and look - oh, it's "Gang"! ! !
Jian Yong: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you are so big - the word is "fierce"! This is a sign of great misfortune!
Liu Bei: Damn, what kind of bra is that? I deliberately test you, but you can’t tell that this gust of wind is just an ordinary sandstorm that happens every spring in Beijing!
Liu and Jane: Yes, let us join hands to jointly protect the environment and protect the earth - our planet's homeland!
(A bad omen, indeed a bad omen! At the fourth watch that night, Cao Jun attacked. The troops were scattered, Zhao Yun and Cao Jun fought, clashed, and fought until dawn. Xuande was nowhere to be found, and Xuande was lost again. Old and young...)
Zhao Yun: Find out quickly, how many people are left with me?
Guard: Lord, our troops are only as many as Beihang ppmm!
Zhao Yun: (Looking up to the sky and sighing, miserable) So, are you and me the only ones left? I can't help you, princess!
Guard: It’s the lord, not the princess!
Zhao Yun: I am willing to say that, okay? Talking all day long will be boring!
(Zhao Yun rode his horse to search among the rebels and saw a man lying in the grass. He looked at him and saw that it was Jian Yong.
)
Zhao Yun: Jian, Yong, and Shu are familiar with each other, but it’s you? Why do you think Shen Mo is still sleeping here? Get up quickly and come with me to kill people! ! ! Don’t forget to brush your teeth!
Jian Yong: (looking left and right) Are you talking to me? You got the wrong person!
Zhao Yun: Do you still dare to fool me? I'll kick your little dick! ! !
Jian Yong: (hurriedly covered his face with his hands)
Zhao Yun: Jian Yong! Are you still showing off your secrets?
Jian Yong: 5555--Who told you to sneak attack on my face every time when I was defending Xiao Didi!
Zhao Yun: Stop hiding it! What is going on here?
Jian Yong: The second mistress abandoned the chariot battle, then hugged Adou and walked away. Then I came on flying horse, then turned around the hillside, and then was stabbed by a general, and then fell off the horse. Then the horse was taken away, and then I couldn't fight, and then I didn't know anything. Then when I woke up, I felt burning in my lower body.
Zhao Yun: God mother! ! ! How dare someone take away your first time before me? Come, you ride my horse and run for your life!
Jian Yong: (Damn, is this mentally retarded so easy to fool?) Okay, I’ll go first!
(As Zhao Yun was walking, he saw a man carrying an iron gun and carrying a sword on his back, leading ten cavalry on horseback.)
Zhao Yun: Freeze! Who are you? ? Why don't you hand in the dog tags quickly?
Xia Houen: Are you so rude? I won't tell you that I am Xia Houen, the general who carried Cao Cao's sword with him!
Zhao Yun: Xia~Hou~en~? So you are the one who replenishes the blood?
Xia Houen: My green sword cuts iron as well as mud, it is extremely sharp. Are you still worried that I can’t kill you?
Zhao Yun: Look at the gun! Pia~~~~~~~!
A good sword cannot be considered a loss. (Picks up the sword and hangs it on the back) Come on, while you are happy - audience members, let us tell tongue twisters together, prepare to be angry!
Hold the knife behind your head, and hang the knife upside down (you must pronounce clearly!!!)
Zhao Yun: Come on, don’t be shy, let’s open our mouths together, let’s do it together! Damn, it's not a "cut from the back", it's a "hanging knife"! Why, some people still don’t think it’s okay? Let’s try this: cow’s face dripping with butter (should you take it now?)
(So Zhao Yun continued to walk forward. He saw a house whose earthen walls were burned by fire, and Mrs. Mi was holding her Adou, sitting next to the dry well under the wall and crying)
Mrs. Mi: Are you finally here? Poor Liu Bei has been wandering for half his life, leaving only this flesh and blood. The general can protect this son and teach him to see his father, and I will die without regret!
Zhao Yun: Please! What is immortal? Don’t say such disappointing things when speaking during the first month of the year!
Mrs. Mi: Adou, this kid, is very good. From now on, he will have to rely on the general to protect him! My concubine has been seriously injured. What a pity to die! General Wang, please hold him and run away quickly. I can't harm you!
Zhao Yun: Madam! ! ! ! Do you want to get a kidney?
Mrs. Mi: (Abandoning Adou on the ground, he turned over and threw himself into the dry well to die.) I'll jump into the well first!
Zhao Yun: (facing the mouth of the well) Mrs. Mi! Mrs. Mi! Mrs. Mi! Mrs. Mi! Mrs. Mi! Mrs. Mi! Mrs. Mi! Mrs. Mi! Mrs. Mi! Mrs. Mi! Mrs. Mi!
Audience: Everyone is dead, why are you shouting so much?
Zhao Yun: Damn, the next ten sentences are all echoes! ! ! Hey, why do you dance so handsomely? Why does your biu disappear in an instant? Can't you leave me a suicide note before you die? It will be difficult to report to the leader in the future!
(Zhao Yun saw that his wife was dead and feared that Cao Jun would steal the body, so he pulled down the earth wall and covered the dry well. After covering it, he untied the armor tape, put down the mask, and held Adou in his arms to protect him. The gun was mounted. Just two steps away, he saw Cao Jun Zhang He and his generals coming to kill him.
)
Zhang He: Prime Minister Cao has an order, don’t fire arrows! Catch them alive! Catch them alive!
Soldier: Everyone, come on! Don't hurt him!
Zhao Yun: I’ll chop~I’ll chop~I’ll chop, chop, chop! (Why am I so good today?)
Zhang He: You losers, I will let you catch them alive!
Soldier: General Zhang! But Zhao Yun didn't know how to catch people alive. Many brothers were hacked to death by him in vain!
Zhang He: In that case, we will be outside~~~~~
Zhao Yun: Are you ready to make a serious move? A good man never suffers any immediate loss! I'll go first! drive! drive! drive!
White Horse: (I run hard, I run hard)
Zhao Yun: Drive! drive! Driving~~~~~~
(Suddenly there was a loud noise, and both the horse and the man fell into a pit)
Baima: Damn, I didn’t expect that on the main road There are still pits? These days' crappy projects...
Zhao Yun: Ma'er, Ma'er, you've experienced hundreds of battles, big and small, how come you can't even jump over a small pit now?
Baima: What nonsense you are! You are so full today that you don’t need to whip me with a whip, but you whip me with a broken sword you picked up from nowhere? I'm covered in bruises!
Zhao Yun: Why didn’t you remind me earlier?
Baima: ...Because I just experienced a kind of pleasure that I have never experienced before!
Zhao Yun: At this critical moment, why are you still engaging in SM? Damn it, I'll be admitted to Tsinghua University tomorrow and I'll pour sulfuric acid on you!
Baima: No, no, no! I'm not afraid of anything, I'm just afraid of this! Not even a big bear can stand it, let alone a horse!
Zhao Yun: Then how do you plan to make up for it?
White Horse: I jump! (Ma Pingkong jumped out of the pit.)
Zhao Yun: No way? Are you transformed into a little white dragon?
Hakuba: Please! This year is my birth year, can you give me some face? The Year of the Horse talks about the horse - this year everyone talks about immediate success, leading the way, thousands of horses galloping, and the spirit of the dragon and horse. Can't I give it a try today?
(So, Zhao Yun finally broke through the siege, his robes were full of blood, and he went straight to Changban Bridge. Seeing Zhang Fei standing on the bridge with his spear, Zhao Yun went to Liu Bei to return his order. Zhao Yun continued to move forward. , and after walking for more than twenty miles, I finally saw Xuande and others resting under a tree)
Zhao Yun: Lord!
Liu Bei: You are finally back! ! ! Adou!
Zhao Yun: Lord, look at Adou, there is nothing wrong with him! (Hands to Xuande with both hands)
Liu Bei: Adou, tell daddy quickly - how did you save Uncle Zhao Yun?
Zhao Yun: $^%*&$#@ Please, I saved him! It wasn't him who saved me!
Liu Bei: Oh? (Looking at Adou) Hey, you almost sacrificed one of my generals for this unimproved child like you! I throw it --
Zhao Yun:...
Liu Bei: I throw it --
Zhao Yun: Damn, just throw it away if you want! Why are you holding on to it so tightly after you've already told me to throw it away?
Liu Bei: If you don’t reach out to catch me, why should I throw it? Are you responsible for throwing it on the ground and making me stupid?
Zhao Yun: I didn’t expect you to be such a mother-in-law with a crooked penis. As a husband and wife, the difference in how we conduct ourselves is so big?
Liu Bei: Hey, at least you have made a great contribution this time.
I should have given you some gold to reward you heavily, but today I had an impromptu war and I didn’t bring any silver with me~~~~~~~~ It’s not easy to reward you
Zhao Yun: (facing my own Personal Guard) What did you say? What kind of watch do you want? What kind of watch do you want?
Guard: (confused) I asked for a watch--!
Zhao Yun: Damn, you dare to tell your sister if she wants a watch? Do you, Lao Mu, also want you to help make some?
Liu Bei: Yes! ! I still have a watch that I wear everywhere!
Zhao Yun: I'm sorry, my lord, my personal bodyguard is really useless...I really want your watch...
Liu Bei: That's right What, isn’t it just a watch?
Zhao Yun: Even though Yun is a messed up person, he can’t retaliate!