Early in the morning I received a message asking for help from my friend Yuxiu.
Yuxiu recently gave birth to her second child. She said that she had communicated with Dabao before planning to have her second child, and Dabao also expressed her acceptance. But after the second treasure really arrived, Dabao began to behave abnormally.
Seeing his younger brother using a bottle, the 5-year-old Dabao also clamored for a bottle, so the father had to quickly buy an extra-large bottle for his daughter.
Dabao, who is already able to sleep alone, refuses to leave his mother at night and must sleep with her in his arms. "Because my brother sleeps with his mother."
It turned out that my lively and outgoing daughter seemed to have changed. She didn't like to laugh and was prone to losing her temper. Whenever something goes wrong, she will cry and say, "I hate my brother."
Yuxiu was helpless and asked me what to do.
I am experiencing the love battle between my two children. Parents with two or three children at home all know that with multiple children, there is more excitement and one more topic: how parents balance their love for multiple children.
Before I gave birth to my second child, another mother talked to me about the child like this:
"My younger brother is very warm-hearted. No matter how my elder sister usually bullies him, I must give him something good." Leave one for your sister."
"There will definitely be disputes and conflicts between the two children. Although parents love their children equally, they are really partial."
"If I'm not careful, Dabao will pinch Xiaobao secretly."
"When my sister was doing her homework, my brother was not sensible and went over to doodle. My sister came over with a slap in the face. What do you think? ”
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Why does Dabao behave in all kinds of “abnormal” ways after having a younger brother or younger sister? Most of the reasons are as follows:
Even children in the same family will not be in exactly the same growth situation. According to Adler, the father of individual psychology, "Every child will show in his life style the results of his desire to adapt to his own special situation." In other words, the objectively existing growth situation will become Motives for a child's behavior that lead them to engage in inappropriate behavior to attract their parents' attention.
Most of the growth situations of the first child in the family are like this: there was a time when they were the only ones who were doted on, and they have become accustomed to being the center of the family. When the second child comes, he is forced to adapt to a new situation. In some families, Dabao is unprepared for this kind of force, and his reaction will be relatively stronger, even if he knows in advance what will happen in the family. Dabao, who has a new member joining, is still troubled when he really faces the second treasure with whom he enjoys parental care.
The second baby is a child welcomed after the parents have been working for a while and have accumulated experience in raising a eldest baby. At this time, parents are no longer in a hurry. Most of the time, they are calm and optimistic, and they can pass on this positive emotion to their second child. Compared with Dabao, Erbao's personality will be more peaceful.
Some parents say to their children, "No favoritism, love them all equally", but they will unconsciously show preference for a certain child. For example, if some children are more talented or cute, it is difficult for parents not to express their preference for this child. This kind of preference has an extremely significant impact on the other child, and may even cause the other child to lose confidence in life.
Children are very sensitive. If they suspect that their parents will favor their younger siblings, they will observe their parents' words and deeds and desperately look for evidence. Once he finds evidence of what he thinks is his parents' preference, for example, if his mother speaks softly to his sister but is serious to him, then he will probably not be able to accept this situation calmly. It is not difficult to understand that some children will deliberately seek "trouble" with their parents. ", resisting their parents and showing some bad behavior that cannot be ignored to seek their parents' attention.
If parents can be aware of Dabao's abnormal behavior and make adjustments early, so that Dabao knows his parents' care and that his "status" is as stable as Mount Tai, then he will probably be able to gradually adapt with the help of his parents. new situations and grow from them.
The danger of Chinese-style baby teasing is that if the adults think it is a joke, the dolls will take it seriously, and the reaction of the dolls when they take it seriously is really funny. For children with younger brothers and sisters at home, relatives and friends around them will inevitably tease them: "Mom and Dad will not want you now that they have a little brother (sister)." Or: "Look how cute your brother (sister) is, he is much better behaved than you were when you were a child. "...and so on. Dabao was already in a state of extreme anxiety about being "expelled from the most favored position in the family" by the newborn. After being teased like this, the last line of defense in his heart was shattered, and all kinds of pessimism and bad behavior broke out. came out.
Adler, the father of individual psychology, pointed out in "Inferiority and Transcendence":
Therefore, in families with two or even multiple children, parents need to be wise in balancing the differences between their children. Relationship, if this relationship is not handled properly or allowed to develop, it will have an extremely significant impact on the child's life.
Sibling rivalry disorder is a psychological term that refers to children who show some degree of emotional disorder, competition or jealousy after the birth of younger siblings. It often begins a few years after the younger brother or younger sister is born. Within a month, competition or jealousy manifests as competing with fellow children for the attention and affection of their parents. In severe cases, there may be obvious hostility and physical harm to fellow children.
Emotional disorders are manifested by a certain degree of degradation, loss of previously learned skills, and a tendency to infantilize behavior, imitating the behavior of babies to attract the attention of parents, and causing antagonism and conflict with parents. Behavior etc.
The imbalance in how parents handle the relationship between their children can easily lead to two extremes: neglected children and doted children. Neglected children spend their lives struggling to get their parents' attention and seeking a sense of belonging; Some children are struggling to adapt to society and even being eliminated because they cannot adapt to society, looking for a sense of value.
Teacher Fan Deng, the founder of Fan Deng Reading Club, said that these two types of children are most likely to become the villains in movies and TV series. He gave examples:
Some parents think that the differences between children Arguments and competing for love are normal, so don't pay too much attention to them. I think that as the child grows up, he will gradually understand the love of brotherhood and understand that "the older one should be humble and give in to the younger one."
Jane Nelson clearly states in "Positive Discipline": This is a wrong idea. The longer children delay, the harder it becomes to change their minds about what it takes to feel a sense of belonging and worth.
I read an article recalling how parents balanced their love for two sisters and guided them to understand brotherhood in childhood. In the comments section, a netizen said that if her parents could understand this earlier, The relationship between her and her sister would not be as cold as it is today.
So, how should parents guide their children from competition to cooperation to improve their personality development?
Inform your child before you plan to have a second child so that he can be mentally prepared.
It is best to prepare your child before the environment changes.
Dr. Thomas Gordon said in "P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training":
Understand and accept children's emotions
Parents need to think empathically and switch to From the child's perspective, it is really uncomfortable to understand that a child is suddenly "marginalized" and ignored from the center of the family. Therefore, parents should not ignore Dabao's feelings in the joy of welcoming a new baby. At the same time, they should seriously inform all family members not to use the second baby to tease Dabao and artificially create contrast and competition.
To let children know that their parents love them equally, they must not only say it, but also do it. If others use inappropriate words to tease Dabao, parents need to correct them immediately and use actions to show that they are on the same side as Dabao.
When there is a dispute between children, as long as it does not touch the safety bottom line, do not say to Dabao: "You are the elder brother (sister), you should give way to the younger brother (sister)." Such words. This kind of "should" will make children fixed in a certain arranged growth situation corresponding to the order in the family, which is very detrimental to the construction of children's sense of belonging and value.
United front, one parenting method
Parents should use a parenting method that they both agree with, thereby creating a cooperative family atmosphere. Use words and actions to let Dabao know that having one more brother and sister is not to share and rob his parents of their love, but to have one more person to love him.
"Positive Discipline" recommends that parents use as a tool to encourage their children, which is to create special time with their children. I think this is also very effective in balancing the relationship between children in families with two children.
When the second baby is young, his parents need to spend more time and energy to take care of him, so they will somewhat ignore the big baby. Creating special intimate time with the big baby is the best way to bond the parent-child relationship. agent. This special time can be a movie date between dad and Dabao, or a parent-child reading in the library between mom and Dabao... There is no need to be grand or spend money, what is needed most is attentiveness, discuss with Dabao, and choose something for him If you want to do something with you, just get involved.
During such a time, Dabao can especially feel a sense of belonging and value. At the same time, it also reminds you that this baby also needs your attention and love.
Zhou Yuru, director of the Department of Early Childhood Education at Tsinghua University in Taiwan, mentioned such a case:
Guide Dabao and Erbao to live in harmony and let them learn to cooperate. It can be the harmony and friendship between brothers and sisters in the family. Thinking about the big picture, it is the embryonic development of a sense of social participation and contribution in adulthood.
Only cooperation can make children feel that each other is equal. For example, when the mother was pregnant, Dabao helped prepare items for the arrival of the new baby, and even participated in naming the second baby and learned to help take care of him.
One time I was feeding my sister, and my brother saw me and expressed that he wanted to feed her. I thought at the time, it might not be a bad thing to give it a try. So I left the whole responsibility of feeding my sister to my brother. Then I discovered that my brother was very careful in feeding my sister, and she ate happily. The two children live in harmony, and the elder brother has received praise from his mother, which makes him feel very satisfied.
This kind of cooperation will give Dabao a sense of value. He is busy taking care of his younger brothers and sisters, so he naturally has no time to find "trouble", right?
I am grateful to have met two children who did not come here because of me. As I typed the above words, I recorded the special time with Dabao on my schedule next weekend, looking forward to...