1. I was in a hurry while eating at the hotel, and the waiter said enthusiastically: "Our hotel does not have a bathroom, you can go to the public restroom opposite. We have an agreement with them. When you get there, you will say you are here to eat." '!
2. "Daughter, do you have enough money to spend alone outside?" "Mom, don't worry about me, you have enough to spend!" "Oh, can you give me two thousand. These two days If you lose at cards, I’ll be embarrassed to ask your dad to take it, hehe!”
3. After military training, the handsome guy became a migrant worker, and the beautiful girl became a cleaner. Adam did not recognize Eve, and the Weaver Girl had never seen the Cowherd. Love, life, and career start from here. I hope everyone will set sail and create a bright future!
4. On the way to buy food at noon today, I saw a man in a suit calling and complaining and scolding him on the phone. I passed him and heard him continue to yell on the phone: I doubt your Her understanding ability is not as good as that of a rural woman. I look at myself and my surroundings. This is the rhythm of my metaphor! Man in suit, you are a rural woman, you are a rural woman in the whole family. Rural women are recruiting you!
5. The ant said: "Look at how big and stupid you are, what's the use?" The elephant said: "I can pull up the tree with my trunk, but you can't do it in your life." The ant said : "What's the use? Who of the rich people do it themselves now?"
6. Latest news: The final results of the investigation into the Wenzhou high-speed train rear-end collision accident on July 23 have been announced. The reason was actually that the railway did not The sharp turn eventually led to a rear-end collision. As for whether you believe it or not, I believe it anyway.
7. "Pretend" culture: It is obvious that you have to stand on your head to pretend to be a 9; it is obvious that you have to be taller and pretend to be an 8; it is obviously a V, but you have to gain weight to pretend to be a W; it is obviously a q, but you have to have sprained feet to pretend to be a g; Even though it's P, he still has to stand on his head to pretend to be B.
8. My neighbor Xiao Ming came to play. I gave him an apple and he said: My mother said not to eat other people’s food. I said: Your mother is not here and cannot be seen. Xiao Ming took the apple and said aggrievedly: "Okay, I won't do it next time. If you give me something to eat again, I will be embarrassed."
9. Once I went to a mall to buy silver jewelry. When I arrived at the counter, there was no salesperson, so I asked the salesperson at the counter next to me: ‘Is there a salesperson here? ’ I saw the man shouting to the back: ‘Silver [prostitute], come out to pick up customers. '
10. The night was very deep. I woke up from my dream. On the grass in the suburbs, when you slowly approached me, my heart beat wildly. It all happened so suddenly. It made me yell in disbelief...rat!
11. I was playing with my husband the night before yesterday, and he pretended to hit me. The baby stopped her father and said to her father: Dad, you can’t hit your mother now. There is a little sister in her belly, so you hit her. Hit the little sister. I was secretly happy because my pain for this baby was not in vain. I had to finish it before the baby was born. The baby continued to say: When the little sister is born, hit her hard, hit her hard. Baby, are you my biological child? Look at how energetic my husband is.
12. When her son reached the age of entering kindergarten, her mother finally sent him to the kindergarten where her friend was the director. At noon, my mother called her friend: My son is not crying, right? A friend said: Your son didn't cry, he made the teacher cry!
13. Angry: sleep. Hungry: sleep. When tired: sleep. When bored: sleep. If you have a cold: sleep. Cure all diseases in one sleep, and bring peace to the world in one sleep. You can do it, buddy, you are like a "Sleeping Beauty"!
14. One day, my boyfriend asked: What flowers do you like? Girlfriend: I like two kinds of flowers. Boyfriend: Which two? I'll give it to you! My girlfriend lowered her head and whispered: If you have money, spend it as you like! Boyfriend: You are so beautiful! Girlfriend: How beautiful am I? Boyfriend: What a beautiful thought!
15. Your cold appearance cannot hide your fiery heart; your unruly long hair cannot hide your kind eyes. You must be kind and have a bodhisattva heart to help all sentient beings. But I’ve been talking for a long time, brother, can you give me some money?
16. You are happy, so I am happy; if you are not happy, I will buy you a Coke; if you want to be happy, let’s have fun together, don’t go behind my back, just have fun alone; if you If you are not happy, I will set up a stall selling Coke in front of your house!
17. A woman has three lovers. One is Gao, the other is Li, and the other is Chen. A few months later, the girl gave birth to a son, but she didn't know whose son it was and was worried about the child's name. A professor named his child: Guo Chunhai. When the girl heard this, she was very happy.
18. A: "My wife always mentions her previous husband, how annoying!" B: "You are so lucky, my wife always mentions her future husband!"
19. Take a break, work is always harmful to the body; wait a minute, socialize too much and ignore people; use your free time for recreation and exercise; time, time, today will make you as sweet as honey.
20. I was riding a bike with my classmate XX. Suddenly his car valve core broke, so I pulled mine out and installed it for him. Later we rode happily together. Go home.
21. At a party, someone introduced me to a new friend and said that he became a millionaire by trading in the stock market. Wow! sharp! Admire, admire! I sat next to him and quietly asked him to teach me the secret. He said to me with a blank expression: "Actually, there is no secret... I turned out to be a multi-millionaire."
22. She slapped her in the mouth yesterday, and now it's still hot! After the dance, my daughter asked: Dad, can you wait for Tom? The father deliberately asked his daughter: Why are you waiting for Tom? She replied: He kept stepping on me during the dance, I will wait for him to come out and beat him!
23. Xiao Ming is proud that his father is a great engineer. Xiao Ming: "Do you know the Himalayas? My father built it." Xiao Hua: "Do you know the Dead Sea? My father killed it."
24. George is going to the bathroom. He was afraid that someone would drink his beer secretly, so he wrote a note: I spit in the cup. When he came back, he found a sentence added on the paper: I also spit out a mouthful.
25. A girl proposed to a young man. The young man shyly said: My penis is a bit small. The girl asked: Is it as big as a mushroom? The young man replied: Yes! On the wedding night, the girl rushed out of the new house and sighed to the sky! Oh my gosh! Enoki mushrooms!
26. I went out to buy groceries and passed by the supermarket. I bought a bottle of Anmuxi and drank it while chatting with the landlady. At this time, her little lolita came in from the door and happened to see her. I saw the little lolita walking towards me. He said to me in front of me, "Auntie, did you come to my house to drink grandma because you didn't have grandma to drink when you were a child?" Since I asked, I was speechless.
27. You are the boss within one week of salary, and your big ticket will skyrocket. It's a good man to be paid for two weeks, and the receipts are brilliant. After three weeks of salary, I was broke, and I was sweating a few coins. Go begging for food around the paycheck, and hang around your friends shamelessly. Moonlight people who feel the same way, please feel free to forward it!
28. On the bus, Xiao Ming saw a thief steal a lady’s bag. He had an idea and said: Mom, you dropped the bag, and this uncle picked it up for you. The thief smiled awkwardly and returned the bag to her. When getting out of the car, the lady pulled Xiao Ming out of the car. Xiao Ming said anxiously: She is not my mother! The passengers all laughed and said: This child is naughty again. As a result, Xiao Ming was sold to other places to dig coal.
29. If I could travel through time, I wouldn’t ask to go back a thousand years ago and bring you peerless celadon, or go back 500 years ago and bring you flawless jade. I just ask Go back twenty years ago, and you were my childhood sweetheart. < /p>
31. The General Administration of Sports of China asked Liu Xiang and Wang Junxia to have a child to see how fast they could run. Nine months later, Wang gave birth. Xiang asked the nurse: Boy or girl? The nurse panicked and said: I didn’t see clearly, and she ran away after birth!
32. A boy said to the kindergarten teacher: "Teacher, I want to marry Miaomiao." The teacher asked: "Do you know what marriage is?" "Yes, getting married is just eating prawns."< /p>
33. Brother, can you add 2 more points? Two things about life: confidence and enjoyment; two things about learning: seriousness and hard work; two things about work: responsibility and dedication. Finally, I want to tell you that you should be careful about my information and reply to me without saying anything...
34. Women all hope to be young forever. A middle-aged woman goes to the hospital to see a doctor. When the doctor asked her her age, she said she was over 20 years old. After hearing this, the doctor wrote on the diagnosis: He could speak clearly but had lost his memory.
35. The administrator is talking to a girl. "I'm sorry, swimming is prohibited here..." "Then why didn't you tell me before I took off my clothes?" "We didn't ban our clothes."
36. Some things don't make you cry heartbreakingly It can be solved. What's the use of crying? Apart from detoxifying, it has no use at all.
If tears are a woman's weapon, it is just the intolerance of those who face women's tears, not really useful.
37. There is a song that has deceived everyone for more than ten years. If you don’t believe it, you sing: "You carry the burden, I hold the horse..." Thinking back to the division of labor in Journey to the West, Sha Monk chose Carrying the burden, Wukong leads the way, who holds the horse? Who sings Bajie?
38. Sorry, I accidentally deleted the phone book! Are you Shen Jinbin? Or Liu Mang or Qin Shou? Could it be Mei Renxing? If not, then you must be Zhu Tou! Zhu Tou!
39. Do you know why we clink glasses when drinking? Because when you drink, your eyes can see the color of the wine, your nose can smell the wine, and your mouth can taste the wine, but your ears cannot hear the sound. Therefore, drinking and clinking glasses is to compensate the ears.
40. I was shopping with my wife, and she wanted to buy a bag she liked. I told her that I bought several bags at home but they were useless. As a result, she came back angry and kept playing on the computer for two hours when she got home. They ignored me! She couldn't stand it anymore, so she went over to coax her and agreed to go back with her to buy the bag, and then she deleted the wheelchair that had been put in the shopping cart. Damn, my heart is still pounding now.
41. In order to avoid being bullied, it is best to learn martial arts; in order to avoid detours, it is best to learn the "cat walk". In order not to be alone, it is best to take you away. Demo: Don’t scare you, I’ll write the character “王” backwards!
42. God is my witness, my shadow follows you anytime and anywhere, and my eyes are watching you all the time... Damn, I mean... except when you take a shower!
43. My mother-in-law favors sons over daughters. She said: Give me another grandson while you are still young. I was very angry, and just about to open my mouth to refute, my four-year-old daughter rushed to answer: Grandma, I gave birth to you, I am younger than my mother.
44. My wife has a good figure. When the weather is hot, she will wear everything from sleeveless tops, off-shoulder tops to suspender skirts. When she is about to wear a backless top, husband: Should you ask for my permission? Can you at least leave some for me?
45. Couples send text messages to each other to amuse themselves. Boyfriend: Men from all over the world come here to take off their pants and belts, and women from all over the world come in to take off their clothes and skirts. Guess the name of a place. My girlfriend replied: Is it the brothel that I mentioned in the past? My boyfriend replied: You are thinking wrong! The answer is the toilet!
46. The weather is cold and the temperature has dropped. Late autumn has arrived. Put on clothes in time to avoid catching a cold. Go to bed early and get up early to feel energetic. Eat more fruits to prevent autumn dryness. The wind is light and the clouds are light. The weather is good. Take your relatives and friends to the mountains to enjoy the view. A text message I express my concern and wish you good health and good health!
47. In the restaurant. Woman: Will you marry me? The man is silent. Woman: Don’t think that no one wants me. If you make me anxious, I will find someone to marry you right away! The waiter came over: Miss, you scared away all the customers in our restaurant.
48. A very hungry cat walked past a fat mouse. Why did the hungry old cat continue walking indifferently without even looking at the mouse? The answer is: a blind cat meets a dead mouse.
49. A boy had a crush on a girl and did not dare to confess his feelings, so he wrote on a piece of paper: "I like you, can you date me?" and let his dog pick it up for the girl. . After a while, the dog came back with a note in its mouth, which read: "I don't fall in love with dogs!"
50. A girl scolded her husband: You have changed. You have been focusing on sex over friends all your life. Are you a man? Will something go wrong with your brain as soon as you get married? The husband replied: No, men only get married when there is something wrong with their brains.
51. When the emperor saw that his concubine was looking sad, he urgently summoned the imperial physician. After consultation, the imperial physician prescribed: Eight Pills for a Strong Man! The emperor was on an overseas tour and returned to the palace to see his concubine's face glowing with beauty and eight thin men kneeling in front of the palace. Emperor: Who is kneeling? Royal doctor: Medicine dregs!
52. I am not perfect, but I am very real. In other words, I am not beautiful, but I am cool; I am not rich, but I am happy; I am not successful, but I am confident; I am not sentimental, but I know how to cherish.
53. A handsome young man walked into the room of an old lady. He apologized and said: I'm sorry, I must have gone to the wrong room. The old lady replied: That's not necessarily true, it's just forty years too late.
54. When the patient was pushed into the operating room and saw that the doctors and nurses were all wearing masks, he asked nervously: "Why are you all wearing masks?" "If something goes wrong, you won't recognize anyone." "Come out."
55. I bought a little turtle for my daughter at the end of last year. It died during the Spring Festival. I was afraid that she would be sad and never told her. Just now she picked up a few small stones and told me to take them home to the little turtle.
I said the little turtle was gone, and she asked why. I said: I'm sorry, my mother raised the little turtle to death. Dudu was silent for a while with tears in his eyes, and then said to me pitifully: Mom, be careful, don’t raise me to death!
56. A group of foreigners were visiting a Chinese shopping mall and found a sign at the door that said "Skate with caution". The international students laughed. The Chinese are so interesting. They treat this as a roller skating rink. We slide carefully (DE)!
57. Making money is a science. Please don’t stop my studious spirit. Spending money is an art. No one can stop me from pursuing art! Although study is hard, it can be exchanged for the sweetness of art! Although the number of words is sparse, it is enough to express my wish for blessing! I wish you: May your career be prosperous and your house filled with gold and jade!
58. You are plain water, occupying 70% of my body. You are air, and I have to suck you into my body all the time. You are three meals a day. Loving you has become a habit. Today I want to tell you loudly that you are my dish!
59. "Busy" is a weapon of mass destruction in love, and is synonymous with "asshole". "Asshole" is the person who uses "busy" to deal with you.
60. A couple watched an art exhibition. My wife was highly myopic. She stood in front of a painting and looked at it for a long time. She shouted: Why is this woman so ugly? The husband stepped forward and whispered: My dear, this is not a painting, it is a mirror.
61. The hotel guest said to the hotel owner kindly: "You added water to the wine!" "Why are you making such a fuss, man? I didn't ask you to pay for the water." Yeah! ”
62. After the princess was awakened by a kiss, she lived happily with the prince forever. She accompanied her king through various invasions, rebellions, and economic crises... and defeated the king’s love. people. After giving birth to five children and raising them, the king suffered from Alzheimer's disease. She pushed him for a walk in the garden, and their love was remembered in the world. She became a legend after her death, and her epitaph reads, "Whoever dares to fucking kiss me again, I will fight with him!"
63. ******Good man's Standards: a diploma, two languages, three bedrooms and two living rooms; Four Seasons brand name, good facial features; no relatives, 7,000 monthly salary; well-rounded, never smoke; very honest.
64. I miss you so much that I broke the phone line, burned out the mobile phone card, emptied my wallet, and took all the sleeping pills. Oh! But I still miss you.
65. The only difference between women and terrorists is that terrorists can negotiate.
66. MM told me about KFC’s new "bone and bone" (meat skewers with crispy bones) and asked me to take her to eat it. It was extremely hot in Beijing in those days, and I was groggy. When I arrived at the restaurant, I said to the smiling KFC lady: Please give me two "bloody" pieces, thank you! . Shameless -_-!
67. You are really kind to me. You treat me like a brother. You take great care of me. I want to repay you well. No, I'm eating braised pork elbow. Come here, come here and help me wash the dishes!
68. In the high school chemistry experiment class, a silver replacement experiment was being carried out. A classmate shouted: "Teacher! Silver is really coming out!" Then he said, "Teacher, why don't you sell it?" "Where's the silver?"
69. The father looked at the test paper in his son's hand and shouted, "How could I have such an unsatisfactory son? He got 0 points on the test this time." This is the test paper I found when you were a child."
70. "Niuniu, why aren't you happy holding a bunch of snacks?" "Dad said that smoking can relieve your mood when you are unhappy, but I don't. Eat snacks when you are happy, so you have to be unhappy all the time to eat a lot of delicious food.”
71. If you were a fish, I would like to turn into water and let you swim into my heart. You are water, I would like to turn into a bowl and put you in my heart. If you were a bowl, I would like to turn into instant noodles and soak with you every day.
72. A weasel placed a sign on the top of a cliff in Chicken Country: How do you know you are not an eagle unless you jump down? Then I waited at the bottom of the cliff every day to eat the chicken that fell to death.
73. A shy boy finally got up the courage to ask his beloved girl: What kind of boy do you like? The girl said: I am in love with you.
When the boy asked again, it was still the same, so he had to say sadly: Can't the head be flatter?
74. An old couple was walking down the street with their grandson in their arms. They met a middle-aged woman: So cute. How old is he? The old lady answered first: She will be sixty-five in two months.
75. One day, on the bus, a father was summarizing the famous figures in the world to his son: Linghu Chong’s martial arts was as good as that of an immortal painting. Later, his son asked him: Dad, why can you practice the martial arts of immortal painting by holding a pot and making water?
76. During the May Day period, I was traveling alone on a high-speed train. The seat was close to the corridor. The young man in the middle kept eating melon seeds. He ate too many melon seed shells. The aunt by the window couldn’t stand it and said: Handsome guy, Eating melon seeds is more powerful than us women. The young man said: Uncle, I am a woman!
77. Two horses stood by the highway and looked at the passing cars, and suddenly found that the drivers were wearing belts. One horse said to the other horse: I know why people don't need us anymore. It turns out that they all pull the carts themselves!
78. Many people ask what the circuit breaker mechanism means? A securities professional replied: In fact, you brought 3,000 yuan to play cards and it was all spent in half an hour, okay! There is a truce immediately for 15 minutes. During this time, you can go to the bank ATM downstairs to withdraw another 5,000 yuan. When you come back, it is all gone. The winner says: You are so unlucky today, forget it!
79. This morning, the dormitory aunt was checking the hygiene. A guy in our dormitory couldn’t get up. The aunt named him on the small blackboard and criticized him: “XXX classmate in XXX dormitory, passively responded to the hygiene inspection, and was lying on the bed. Get up."
80. Feifei: "Aju, where is the county?" Aju was shocked: "Why are you asking?" Feifei: "I tell you, don't tell others. , Someone next door said that Qianlie County is selling salt, I want to go check it out!"
81. A homeless man was walking at night and was stopped by a robber. The robber shook his dagger and shouted: Money or life. The homeless man was so frightened that he thought to himself that he couldn't even support himself with one life, so why would he need another life? Why not be honest and ask for money? So the homeless man said to the robber: Give it back. return. Still need money.
82. Older unmarried men and women are like those who have passed the bus stop. Sometimes they are reluctant to get off because they are too comfortable; sometimes they are men and women who never get married because they don’t know where they should get off? They are bus drivers.
83. On Chinese Valentine’s Day this year, the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl had a quarrel. Weaver Girl complained: We only spoke a few words a year, it was too much, I want to break up with you! When the Cowherd heard this, he got angry: I also want to use my mobile phone, a must-have chat tool for couples, to send text messages to your big phone! But here in the sky, there is no cell phone signal!
84. Do you know? When I read the text message you sent me, I suddenly understood how much emotion you used on me! The memory is so unforgettable! You can't forget me! I finally decided: shut down and piss you off!
85. My boyfriend went to have a wedding banquet, and there was a sudden power outage during the dinner. Everyone was worried that someone would steal the food, so they all suggested clapping and singing. While they were clapping, the electricity suddenly came on. When everyone saw it, one person was picking up food with one hand and slapping himself with the other.
86. Mom, I’m not talking about you. Look at the guy you’re looking for. He’s so ugly and can’t understand his words. If I tell others that he’s my son-in-law, I’ll feel embarrassed.” “His family has More than a billion. "Of course, people don't need to live so vainly. Why do they have to care about other people's opinions? What's more, love is blind, mom supports you! "
87. Tiger skin plaster, an ancestral secret recipe, specializes in treating difficult and complicated diseases in all seasons. It is effective after applying it: one application will not make you sleepy in spring, two application will not cause anxiety in summer, three application will not cause insect bites in autumn, four application will help you in winter. Don’t freeze, you can be happy all year round!
88. I was shopping with my wife after get off work last night. My wife was dangling her bag, and suddenly this guy put her bag on my crotch and turned around. He said to me: "My dear, if I throw you hard, will you hit me?" "I said gently: "Don't worry, my wife, how can I be willing to beat you, but if you treat my brother like this, he won't blame me if he spits on your face at night! "Oh, let's not talk anymore, my back hurts.
89. When my son came home from school in the afternoon, I asked him: What did I learn in school today? My son was very proud and replied: Not only did he learn it, but he also made sentences, teacher He also praised me. I happily asked my son: How do you make sentences? My son replied: My father is not only good at playing mahjong, but also has good athlete's foot.
90. The most annoying people on the bus are those who smoke. However, a man was smoking intoxicatedly and spit the smoke in front of a young lady. "Can you be more qualified!" "You are already very good at numbers. Look at that wisp of smoke, isn't it just the number 3?" ;