Introduction: My friend was feeling unwell. I accompanied my friend to see a doctor and take an X-ray. Then, he showed the diagnosis report and film written by the doctor to the expert. The expert started shaking his head when he saw the report. There was a clicking sound in his mouth. My friend's heart immediately went cold, and all kinds of thoughts came to mind... The friend tremblingly asked the expert: Am I hopeless? The expert said angrily: You are fine, you are just a young doctor today, your handwriting is really ugly!
1. The boss discovered that the office security door was malfunctioning. He ran to the nearest prison for help and asked if anyone could open the lock. Soon, a prison guard brought a prisoner, and the prisoner opened the door easily. The boss said, "I admire you, I admire you. How much does it cost to open the lock once?" Prisoner: "Oh...I opened the door last time." Got 300,000." Boss:...
2. My friend is a strict wife, but for some reason his wife offended him, and he got angry: "If you offend me again, it will be like this. "Then he tore up the paper in his hand. Without saying a word, his wife slapped him: "I just messed with you, let's see what you do to me, right? "As he spoke, he put his hands on his hips and glared angrily. Unexpectedly, his friend held it in for a long time and said: "You...you are not provoking me. ”
3. I was worried about my father’s Alzheimer’s disease, so I took him to see a doctor. The doctor asked him to take an assessment test, but the results were not satisfactory. After I came back, I asked him why he didn’t answer well, and he lowered his voice. He said secretly in a loud voice: "I am teasing him (the doctor) for such a simple question. ”
4. I am usually a very frugal person. Once my girlfriend saw me playing CF and I fired two bullets at the beginning. She said that I am usually very thrifty and playing games is such a waste. I looked back. Said loudly, you know p, I usually die before I can finish a shuttle, so it would be a waste if I didn't fire it out!
5. I spent all the 20 yuan pocket money my wife gave me last week! La! I didn’t have enough money to buy a decent pack of cigarettes at a friend’s party this week. Then my son said to his wife: The school has to pay 100 for materials! Without saying a word, my wife gave him a red Mao Zedong card. After I left the house, my son gave me the money and said in a serious voice: Dad, this can be considered a loan from you. You will have to help me when I am in trouble after getting married... Looking at my son’s back, he is so full of vigor and vitality. Full of joy!
6. On the bus, a father was holding little Loli and she was reciting ancient poems. She only heard her read: "At noon on the day of hoeing, the landmines were buried. Dad." Walk over and explode into two hundred and five. . "Everyone in the car burst out laughing!
7. Me: I'm so angry that Big Mouth actually said that I look like a pig. Friend: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Me: Why? Big Mouth is like that I'm afraid that others will hear me? Friend: I'm not afraid of others hearing it. Me: Huh? Friend: What a shock to the pig.
8. A couple wants to get divorced in court. They were arguing over the custody of a child, and they both wanted the child. The judge got tired of the quarrel, and said impatiently: "Well, don't get divorced first, go back and have another child, and then divorce, then there will be no need to fight." ”
9. I went to the gym today. Because I have been indoors for work reasons, my skin is white and tender, and because I am too thin, as soon as I entered the gym, I was greeted by all kinds of eyes... At this time, a muscular man Walking towards me, he said to me mockingly: Hello mother. Out of politeness, I silently replied: Hello son~
10. Yesterday, I met a good brother. He looked melancholy and smoked. He said to me: Brother, I can't look back. I was worried and asked him if he had done something wrong.
I met him on the road today. A beautiful woman hugged a puppy and said while stroking it: "Baby, are you hungry? Tell mommy. . After hearing this, I felt that her relationship with the dog was unusual, so I went up and asked: "Beauty, does your dog need a father?" "
12. During class, the teacher sat by the stove and said to the students: "Think twice before speaking, count to at least fifty times, and count to a hundred times for important things.
The students rushed to count, and finally said in unison: "Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred." Teacher, your clothes are on fire. ”
13. Xiao Ming said to the master: My parents abandoned me, and my girlfriend doesn’t want me anymore. Master, can you change my life? The master pointed his hand at a mountain in the distance. Xiao Ming thought for a while and said: Master makes my heart as calm as a mountain. Shouldn't I be so impatient? Master: I just became a master because no one wanted me. There is an empty hill over there, so don't bother me. !
14. A young woman in front, with a graceful figure and a pretty face, was also queuing up in a short skirt. Next to her, a young lady kept clamoring for the young woman to hug him. Silent, Xiaozheng became too angry and pulled the young woman's skirt with his hand and said: Mom, if you don't pay attention to me, I will pull your skirt! At this time, a man next to him said: You can't spoil a child, you. I won’t hug him, let’s see if he dares.
15. There was a young couple with a child on the bus. The child kept crying, and then the young father wanted to comfort him, so he hugged him. I was playing with my hands. Suddenly there was a thud and the child’s head hit the roof of the bus. The child cried even more.
16. The girl went hiking with her college classmates, and one of the boys had a crush on him. Girl. The girl climbed to the top of the mountain and looked at the great rivers and mountains of the motherland. She couldn't help but feel excited and shouted: Motherland, my mother! The boy immediately shouted: Motherland, my mother-in-law!
17. Today! I was riding a bus with my girlfriend. Since there were no seats and the people next to me were old people, my girlfriend got motion sick and was lying in my arms. I saw an old man next to me who was not very old, so I bravely said: Uncle, my wife is pregnant. Can you please stand for a while? We got off the car after a while. The uncle readily agreed, and my girlfriend suddenly shouted: Dad!
18. Mom called me again and said: " Now I don’t have any requirements for you to find someone to fall in love with and get married to, as long as you have an apartment and it’s a man. I sneered: "Can't women do it?" "She was silent and didn't speak. The next day Mom called again: "Then does she have a house? ”
19. There was a beautiful woman on the bus carrying a big bag (she should go to the supermarket for shopping), but there was no seat on the bus, so she found a man and said: Handsome man, can I sit down? Will you? The handsome guy replied: Well, the ugly girl immediately learned the lesson and said the same thing.
20. While drinking coffee at Starbucks, a beautiful woman came over and asked me: "Handsome man, would you mind taking a photo with me?" I smiled like a gentleman: "Of course I don't mind!" "Then the beauty picked up the coffee cup and took several selfies.
21. Lao Wang: Xiao Ming, why do you look so sad today? Xiao Ming: Today the dean of students found out that my daughter is in love Friends... Lao Wang: You were talked to by the dean of students, no wonder! Xiao Ming: It would be great if the dean of students were asked to leave! Lao Wang:...
22. A man was a little perverted. Once he was sick and was in the hospital. He looked at the pretty little nurse who was preparing salt water and said to the nurse: Come quickly! The nurse paused after hearing this. After a few seconds, he said with a smile: Then you can't scream!
23. Two thieves were communicating, and one said: "A better car roof can be sold for up to one or two hundred thousand yuan." , I think airplanes are the most valuable. The newspaper said that one airplane is worth tens of millions. Another said: "That guy is so big, how can he steal it? He just hides it there." The thief said: "You idiot, when the plane flies into the sky, isn't it just a little bigger?" ”
24. Lao Qi, let me tell you something! Recently, a female colleague in the company has fallen in love with me and she always looks at me when we are eating. Lao Qi: You can pull me down, she is. I'm losing weight!
25. My colleague's family rents a house. Her son usually gets home first after getting off work, so the landlord always invites the children to eat together.
The colleague felt embarrassed and told her son sternly that he was not allowed to eat at other people's houses, and her son happily accepted it. The next day, the landlord asked the kid to have dinner again. The kid was embarrassed and said, "My mother won't let me eat at your house anymore." The landlord paused for a moment, and just as he was about to let me go again, the kid continued, "It's okay to have some food." The food is okay,, it’s okay,,,
26. Police: "What did you do then? Tell me honestly!" Gangster: "I just went to visit Ms. Huang at her company to see if there was anything wrong with her. Specific intention of cooperation. But she said she was too busy to talk to me, so I patted her butt and left. "The question is, why are you patting Ms. Huang's butt?"
27. When I went to the toilet, I saw the abbreviation NC marked on the toilet door. An English expert who went with us said: NC is the men's restroom. Then it suddenly dawned on me that I could enter, take off, and squat in one go. Suddenly an idea flashed, what was the abbreviation for the women's restroom.
28. When I went to work this morning, a beautiful woman fell in front of me. I was about to help her when my friend pulled me up and asked: Do you have money? I thought about it and walked away. You kid, are you trying to blackmail me? Are young girls now committing crimes? Later, a friend helped her up, asked for her phone number, and had a great conversation. Something seemed wrong!
29. I went to see a movie yesterday and the ticket price was extremely expensive. I said to the conductor: "The prices here are so high." The conductor said calmly: "This is a rip-off price." Wow, I'm really happy to be a father.
30. The sharp-tongued roommate is a PS master. Once, I said to him: Do me a favor, my avatar is going to be uploaded to Renren. Help me make it look cool! The poisonous tongue man readily agreed, and not long after, he finished the work and sent it back to me! When I took a look, I was shocked and said: I asked you to help me look more handsome, why did you mosaic me? The poisonous-tongued man replied: Your Majesty’s appearance cannot be handsome no matter how you look at it, so maybe you can make it more handsome if you put it into a mosaic and make people think of it!
Postscript: My dad gave him a mobile phone on his birthday a few days ago. I was playing with his mobile phone yesterday and found that he started playing WeChat, so I pretended to be a stranger and added him. . . Today he started talking to me about having a son who doesn't live up to expectations. . . 40 Funny Phrases That Are Funny and Embarrassing
Intro: "What is the difference between having a son and a daughter?" "When my daughter goes to elementary school, she worries about the beastly principal, when she goes to junior high school, she worries about the beastly teacher, and when she goes to high school, she worries about her beastly classmates. , The university is worried about the beastly professor, and you have to be careful about the beastly leader when you go to work. As for giving birth to a son, you only need to worry about him not being a beast." 1. "Some girls said that I look very sunny. , Hey, do you think you are interested in me? "Come on, she actually means that you look very dazzling and ugly."
2. My girlfriend is not in a good mood. Suddenly asked me, "Do you remember what I said to you that time?" "Which time?" "You really don't remember, get out!"
Damn it, if a woman wants to make trouble, even God can't stop her. Stay! !
3. When I went out with my best friend, she suddenly said: "Your partner is quite handsome." I said: "Really?" My best friend: "Well, he is indeed quite handsome." Mine I suddenly felt happy, but my best friend said again: "I've always wondered why he fell in love with you when he's so handsome?"
4. A man was chatting with his girlfriend on QQ. Male: Wife, I cheated on you. . Girlfriend (holding back her anger): With whom? Man: I couldn't hold it back just now, and I committed a crime with my right hand. Girlfriend (exhales): Well, it’s okay, we’re on our own. . .
5. I made a joke with my girlfriend on a whim. As soon as I finished typing "I cheated", the avatar there turned dark...and now my phone is turned off. . . Damn it. . . .
6. When walking with your boyfriend, I like to put my arms around his waist and pull on his clothes.
One day while walking, he suddenly said: "Stop pulling my clothes, okay?" I was displeased and said, "Can't you add something precious to your conversation with me?" Then he said: "Stop pulling my clothes..." ", Me:...
7. When I had nothing to do, I called my classmate to chat. The classmate was depressed. After asking, I learned that he stayed up all night last night. If I ask again, the dormitory next door opened and closed the door repeatedly for three hours in the middle of the night. My classmate finally couldn't bear it anymore and rushed to their dormitory and asked loudly: "What are you scum doing!" The other party was stunned for 3 seconds and timidly replied. Sentence: Pinch...Pinch walnuts.
8. I went out for a bike ride in the afternoon, and suddenly I received a text message from my father: "Be safe on the road, drive well, and don't read the text messages." I was riding well, but I hit a tree all of a sudden. On.
9. A colleague gave me a Chinese knot, saying that hanging it in the car would bring wealth. Sure enough, not long after I hung up in the car, someone knocked on the window: "Do you want to go to Tongzhou Beiyuan for 20 yuan?
10. A man went into the bar to relax and found a beautiful woman sitting alone. The man struck up a conversation and said, "Miss, are you lonely alone? The beauty looked at the man and said with a smile, "No, I'm still pregnant with one." "There was a shy boy who always met a beautiful girl every morning when he was having breakfast outside! As time went by, this shy boy fell in love with this girl secretly! Finally one day, the boy got up the courage to step forward and say to the girl. : “What’s your name, please? MM looked at her breakfast and replied strangely: "Beef noodles!" "
11. A certain frustrated man, his parents are sick, his family is very poor, and he cannot marry a wife. When he was desperate, he met the magic lamp, and the magic lamp said to write down your three wishes, and I will Satisfy you. I wish my parents to be healthy, my family to be prosperous, and my wife to be beautiful. When I returned home, I saw that the house had become magnificent, and when I opened the door, my parents ran in happily. I walked into my room and saw an air conditioner lying on the bed.
12. A girl complained: "That person was talking and laughing with me yesterday, but today he turned against me and refused to recognize me!" My friend advised MM: "Hey, be more open-minded. People nowadays are very realistic." MM asked: "Then can you tell me why people are so realistic?" The friend thought for a while and said, "Okay, if you give me a hundred yuan, I will tell you." ”
13. Today I saw my colleague realize “slide to unlock” on his laptop! Really, I was shocked when I saw it. It was so weird... Do you know?! His computer unlocked after he turned on it. The password is "ASDFGHJKL;'", and then click the last key and hit the Enter key, and it's unlocked!
14. Friend A said: Our company is really cool~ and it was released! Two boxes of mooncakes; Friend B said: It’s nice to have mooncakes~ We gave them a box of fruits; I looked at them with disdain and took out my iPhone~ They were shocked! Wow, you actually gave away a mobile phone? I was disdainful again! Yixiao: Humph! My blessing is a blessing message~
15. "My friend" and "My classmate" are collectively called the three insurmountable gods
p>
16. It seems that many men are unwilling to admit that they do porn. They usually say, "I don't do it, but I have a colleague/classmate who loves it, and I copy it from him." " #Behind every man there is a colleague/classmate who loves porn#
17. Today I went to the bank to withdraw money with a buddy. While he was withdrawing money, I saw an opinion book next to him. I picked it up and flipped through it, only to see a few big words printed on the first page with my fingernails: Why is there no pen? 18. She texted her boyfriend to say "Break up." Bar! "Her boyfriend immediately called and sent various messages to ask and apologize. He was so nervous that he almost cried. I also sent the same text message to my boyfriend, and five minutes later he replied to me leisurely: "Spare your sister. Ah, is your aunt here? ! "You're just here, auntie..."
19. An English professor once ate in a Western restaurant. When he finished eating, he said in very standard English: "Waiter, bill please! (Waiter, pay the bill!)" As a result, the waiter ran away In the kitchen, I shouted to a chef: "Hey! Bill, someone is looking for you outside!"
20. The neighbor kept shaking his legs, and I was too embarrassed to stop him, so I had to follow his frequency. to eliminate discomfort. We shook together like this for a while, and he suddenly stopped and looked at me, his eyes seemed apologetic, as if he wanted to say something to me. It seems he has realized his mistake. I responded with a tolerant smile and encouraging eyes. He finally spoke, "I'm sorry, can you please stop shaking your legs?"
21. I just went downstairs to buy a drink and saw a new sour plum soup, with two flavors, one called Plum impression, a kind of plum flavor... I didn't want to buy it immediately...
22. Qianlong and Washington actually died in the same year. I always felt that they were not in the same dimension.
23. Me: "I think my child is the best gift God has given me." Wife: "What about me?" Me: "You are God." My whole life, I rely on my reactions to survive.
24. If girls put half of their skin care energy into IT, it would be more than enough to hack into the White House servers, let alone flash their phones.
25. It is said that after two people get along for a long time, they will reach an inexplicable tacit understanding, such as: If you ignore me, I will ignore you.
26. “A real good man is not someone who doesn’t play games, DOTA or WOW. But when he is playing games, as long as you send a text message, a phone call or a QQ call, he will They will quit the game for you." - This kind of person is commonly known as a "pig-like teammate". Don't team up with him.
27. Last time, someone I didn’t know looked for me on QQ. Asked me how old I was, I said 16, and he said were you a virgin? I said no. Then he started talking about me, saying that those born in the 90s are all mentally retarded. They don’t take care of their bodies at such a young age. How can they explain it to their parents? Then I blocked him directly. I thought, what’s wrong with me not being a virgin at 16? What’s wrong with me, a man, and not being a virgin?
28. "My requirements for a boyfriend are that he must be stable, considerate, gentle, loving, filial, and motivated." "I understand. What you are looking for is a complementary partner." "
29. "Spring has gone and the flowers are still there, and the birds are not surprised when people come." - The poem vividly and vividly depicts the sad state of mind of an elderly man who is "powerless".
30. The feeling I get from high math is: I still need a damn certificate! Two: How the hell can you prove this! Three: You can still prove it like this! God’s reply: The feeling of a little girl is, first, you still need to fucking coax her! , Two, how the hell are you coaxing me! , three, how can you be so fucking coaxing!
31. The phenomenon of peeing while swimming is actually quite common, but remember not to use the backstroke posture in the future. ---The pool manager said to me angrily.
32. Walking on the street today, two women were fighting. I thought to myself, since so many people are trying to stop the fight, I won’t join in the fun. Just as she turned to leave, she suddenly heard a voice saying, "Tear off her clothes and pull off her pants to see how she behaves in the future." Oh, let me go, who are these people? So I went back to the crowd.
33. Yesterday, I proposed to my girlfriend in a western restaurant. Suddenly a woman came over and cried and said she was pregnant with my child. I quickly explained to my girlfriend: "If you don't agree to me today, what will happen to you?" Just like this woman."
34. The goldfish at home died, and my husband asked for help in the circle of friends... Various comments and suggestions. This guy has adopted a trick that is easy to understand and operate: change fish frequently! ! ! !
35. Dad said: If you do well in the exam this time, you will be rewarded 500 yuan. As a result, I failed. I just want to tell him in this way that I am not a person who is easily moved by money.
36. In my life, countless trips I have made without hesitation have been to go to the bathroom.
37. In fact, appearance is really not important. Love cares about feeling, but I have no feeling about being ugly.
38. I found that most men who have mistresses are relatively rich, so I also want to find a mistress to see if I can get rich.
39. "It's so pitiful to be my wallet. I've never seen money in my life." God replied: "It's pitiful to be your mirror. I've never seen anyone in my life."
40. "If you had to choose one thing, would you choose to be ugly or stupid?" God replied: "Stupid. Because I am ugly, I will know that I am ugly right away; and stupid, I may not know that I am stupid for the rest of my life."
Postscript: I got up early this morning and went for a morning jog. I found a man running wildly on the playground chasing an unknown girl. While chasing him, he shouted: "Do you love me or not?" The girl ran away. While shouting: "If you don't love me, I won't love you even if I die!" Then he pointed at me and said, "I love him!" Then I saw the Jp man running towards me, I wiped him! It's so funny, but it won't make you cry.
1. Confess to the goddess: Please don't reject me, otherwise I will be shocked and schizophrenic.
Goddess: Then please line up and leave.
2. Female: Dear, I heard that you have been absent-minded when working recently and your output has dropped sharply. Where has your heart gone?
Male: This is strange. Didn’t you ask me to give you my heart the last time we dated?
3. Foodie girlfriend: If one day you want to break up, you must bring it up in the summer!
Male: Why?
Female: Let me go to the barbecue stall to drink away my worries!
4. When I met my first love boyfriend and his son, the atmosphere was very awkward because they hadn’t seen each other for many years and there were no topics to talk about. So he took the lead to break the embarrassment and said: I heard that you tell people everywhere that I am dead. .
Uh-huh. . .
5. Post a few photos of yourself in the friend group!
A man said: Already saved!
I laughed and said: If your wife finds out, I won’t be responsible if your wife beats you to death!
Unexpectedly, he replied: Just a photo like this, when you see it, you think it is an emoticon.
Sister. . . Group leader, kick him out! ! ! Humph, if you don’t kick me, I’ll quit the group! The second-rate IQ makes me cry with laughter
Introduction: A man was about to starve to death in the desert, when he picked up the magic lamp. Magic Lamp: "I can only grant you one wish, tell me quickly, I'm in a hurry." Man: "I want a wife..." The Magic Lamp immediately transformed into a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully: "I'm almost starving to death." Covetous for beauty! How sad!” After that, he disappeared. Person: "...cake."
1. A literary young man asked a Zen master: "I am in a most basic position, doing the most ordinary work. I feel that I have no future and am very unwilling to do so. "The Zen master picked up a piece of rope beside him and lit it. Looking at the dazzling fire, the young man said thoughtfully: "Zen Master, I understand that even the most ordinary piece of rope has its own glory!" The Zen Master said: "Gunni sister! I mean that I burn my life and You are chatting!”
2. Teacher: Xiao Ming, why are you fighting again? Even if you win the fight, it doesn't matter. You know nothing and you can't beat others. Xiao Ming: Who said that? I can knead Tao. Teacher: You can also do judo? Let’s show the students Xiao Ming: How to perform here? Teacher: Then go to the playground? Xiao Ming: Only a hotel will do. Teacher: Get out! !
3. I went to eat ramen with my buddy, and there was a beautiful woman sitting across from me. My buddy said to me, "Does she look familiar to you?" ’ I thought to myself, how would I know just by looking at it, so I decisively took a bite of the beauty’s ramen, and it was cooked! Find out if there is something wrong with my brother.
4. In the high school chorus, our class sang the Yellow River Cantata, and the monitor was leading the singing, but he was very nervous. Finally it was time for our class to go on stage, and the monitor said: "The wind is roaring! The horses are braying! Get ready... !”. From then on, he became famous in our school forever...
5. One day, the cat and the dog got married, and later they got divorced. The judge asked: "Why?" The dog said: "The cat rarely comes into the house since getting married, and its behavior is a bit strange." The cat said: "That's unfair, I was just chasing mice!" Dog: "Listen!"
6. For some reason, it’s been extremely hot recently. I went downstairs and bought a small pudding. A classmate was talking to me in the shade of a tree, so I put it in the sun. That's right, two minutes later, I went home with a bag of hot milk. . .
7. We rented a small room together temporarily. It used to be a big room with one room and a small living room separated. At night, I found out that the room next door was a little woman. She was pretty good-looking, so I got jealous. She was bored in bed. , I actually found a small hole in the partition wall that let in light. It might have been unhooked from hanging clothes before. I immediately felt that an opportunity had come. I quickly went over to take a look. I was almost scared to death. There was actually an eyeball spinning around inside. ! !
8. Teacher: "Come and make a sentence using since." Student: "Since you asked me to make a sentence, then I will make one." The teacher was stunned.
9. Teacher: "Do you realize the disadvantages of sleeping in class?" Student: "Yes." Teacher: "What are the disadvantages?" Student: "The disadvantage is that it is not as comfortable as sleeping in bed."
10. I was very happy to see Xiaoli next door when I just went out. I asked, "Why are Xiaoli so happy today? Did you pick up the money?"... Xiaoli: No, I didn't pick up the money, I picked up a box of condoms. I said, "Really! Give me a few!" Xiaoli: This is a large size, your husband can't use it! "Me: Your husband can't use that! Suddenly...
11. My husband and his wife both have lovers outside. They often go out to find excitement by themselves. They rarely spend the night together. One day, both of them are at home. They both felt a little guilty for each other, so they were extra gentle. Not wanting the two of them to sleep until early in the morning, the wife suddenly turned over and sat up, whispering loudly in her sleep: "Oh no, my husband is back!" "As soon as my husband heard this, he got up immediately, picked up all the clothes quickly, and jumped out of the window...
12. The vampire bat came back covered in blood. The bats were very envious and asked him where he had come from. Where did it find so much blood? It took the bats to a big tree and asked: Did you see the big tree? It: Damn it, I didn’t see it.
13. I was watching a TV program with great interest, and when an advertisement came in the middle, I muttered: "It's really annoying. My wife smiled and said, "What are you bothering about? Look, handsome guy, just look for the gap. Time will pass quickly." "After my wife finished speaking, the second advertisement cut in, which was a bath soap advertisement made by Lin Chiling. I turned to look at my wife and said, "You should find a gap this time. "
14. I have a deskmate who likes to sing old songs. A few days ago, I got crazy again and sang: "The man who has harnessed the horse." At this time, I couldn't bear it anymore and opened my mouth. He said: You are a bad boy." This guy was stunned on the spot and didn't sing anymore for the past two days. As a result, today I was singing: "bad boy, bad boy." The unlucky kid said: "You are mighty and majestic." This is naked revenge.
15. I just took my eldest sister’s children to buy snacks, and I saw a dollar on the way. I was too lazy to pick it up, so I asked the child, "Have you seen that dollar?" The child said, "Yes, what should I do?" I said helplessly, "Pick it up."
16. Today, my girlfriend is a slut again I lamented, "How can a person like me, a goddess with high IQ, high EQ, and good looks, marry me?" I said to one side, "You're blind.
"
17. When I was a child, my parents took me home one day. As I was walking, they held me in the middle...I don’t know which nerve was miswired and I sang a song about finding a problem: "One on the left hand. Chicken, a duck on the right hand..." My dad stared at me and almost slapped me in the mouth... Unexpectedly, my mother then sang a line that made me vomit blood immediately... "There is also a toad in the middle, hey, hey, De'er, hey~ ”
18. One day, while watching If You Are the One, I suddenly asked my wife next to me: Why are there 24 female guests in If You Are the One? My wife answered without thinking: 1 per hour... I’ll kill you, it’s so powerful !
19. My girlfriend thought I was short and poor. It has been almost a year since we broke up. She just called me and told me that she was pregnant and the man had lost touch with me. How could I be crying? I don’t know how to comfort him! Me: “It’s okay! Give birth, brother is still here! ", I put out the cigarette butt fiercely and sang: "There are so many people who see your joke, and I am just one of them. Stop being romantic and be happy. I want to be single only if no one wants me." . .
20. Teacher: Why do you always fail the class next door? Xiao Ming: Because you don’t teach the class next door! ! ! Teacher: Get out of here...
21. "Physiological touch" was being taught in class. The teacher said: "Everyone should have heard that "pain" is divided into twelve levels in medicine. The first level refers to the pain of being bitten by a mosquito, and the twelfth level is the most painful level, which is the pain a woman feels during childbirth. "At this time, someone raised his hand and asked: "Teacher, is there a third level? Level 13 pain?" Another student responded proactively: "It's just a mosquito bite when a woman gives birth!
22. My friend is getting married next month. Why is it like taking an exam? Similarly, you will inevitably feel nervous when you see others handing in papers. If you don't hand in your papers when the time comes, it will be a painful realization. /p>
23. Let’s talk about my childhood. When I was in elementary school, my friend and I often did bad things together. One day, my friend said to me, “My dad is not at home!” When we were drunk and talking nonsense, his dad suddenly came back. My little friend stood up unsteadily and said to his dad: Dad, don’t hit me! I didn’t drink! ! ! Then the whole street was filled with cries.
24. There were a lot of people when I went to the bank to withdraw money. I took the number 48 and was called 9. I sat down to rest and saw a girl next to me. Meng Zhougong smiled at the corner of his mouth and held the number 14 in his hand. He felt that young people nowadays are really short of sleep. In order to let her have enough sleep, she quietly changed our number to hide her merits and fame.
25. Two men met in the hospital. One man said: "We temporary workers are so unlucky. We are not welcomed by others, but we have to bear the responsibility when an accident occurs!" "Another man said: "My experience is similar to yours. The man in front asked: "Why, are you a temporary worker too?" "No, I'm the spare tire." ”
26. The fat man said to his girlfriend: “The weather is so hot, I want to eat you.” The girlfriend said with shame: "It's quite hot, but why are you willing to eat this baby?" The fat man wiped her sweat and said, "Because you are a sweat baby now!" ”
27. I happened to have a new environment with a girl I met in middle school. She is not far from me. It was past ten o’clock last night. I called her and wanted to treat her to a meal. Late night snack, please? I don’t know if she didn’t look at the caller ID or something, but she actually said, 300 yuan for fast food and 800 yuan for an overnight stay.
28. Eating in the cafeteria? , my friend checked out, it was 46 yuan, and our work unit gave us meal coupons, which were 6 yuan each, and I gave 6 of them. The landlady said bitterly: "Young man, don't fool me."
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29. Early in the morning, my drinking buddy’s wife called me and scolded me, saying that I shouldn’t let her husband drink so much that he is still in the doghouse. He was lying in it! He said it was his bed. Girl, I quickly let go of the toilet that I had been holding for the whole night!
30. On the bus, there was a little boy, about four years old. At the age of five, he kept holding on to the decorative chain on his mother's clothes. After a while, he said, "Mom, I like this. Can you give this to me after you die?" "His mother had a dark look on her face, "I can give it to you even if I don't die."
Edited postscript: A woman squatted in the toilet without paper. She squatted for a long time and found someone next door, so she knocked on the door next door. Asked if he had more paper, the woman replied: If I had brought paper, could I still stay here with you? She had no choice but to use money to solve the problem. Then she looked through the bag and found only one worth ten yuan, and asked the neighbor again, Can you exchange some for me? After a while, the guy next door came over with a few coins!