This is "You Resurrection Corpses" by Heinlein. Someone has dismantled it and reassembled it and rewritten it. Changed it into a logical joke....
Original version:
You soul-returning zombies
Author: [American] Robert. Heinlein
November 7, 1970, Time Zone 5 (Eastern Standard Time) 22:17. Dad's Bar in New York City.
I was cleaning a brandy goblet when the "Single Mother" came in. I paid attention to the time:
November 7, 1970, 10:17 pm in the 5th time zone or Eastern time zone. People who work in time and space always pay attention to time
and dates: we must.
The "unwed mother" is a twenty-five-year-old man. He is not taller than me and looks childish and impatient. I don't like the way he looks - I've never liked him - but he's the guy I want to recruit, the guy I need. I gave him the most attentive smile of a bar owner.
Maybe I'm too picky. He certainly couldn't be called handsome. He got that nickname because every time some nosy guy asked him about his trade he always said, "I'm an unwed mother." If he had been in a better mood he would have said He would add: "——Four cents a word. I write confession stories."
If he was in a bad mood, he would wait for someone to make a scene. He has a ferocious style similar to that of a policewoman in close combat. ——This is the reason why I like him, but of course it is not the only reason.
He drank a lot, and the expression on his face looked more contemptuous than usual. I didn't say anything, but poured him a double glass of Lao En
wine. After pouring the wine, I put the bottle in his hand. He finished his drink and poured another glass.
I wiped the countertop with a cloth. "What's going on with the 'Unwed Mother' scam?"
His fingers were clenched tightly around the glass as if he was about to throw it at me. I reached down the counter to grab the stick. In the
moment of impulse you have to be prepared for everything that may happen, however, there are many factors that make you never take unnecessary
risks.
I saw that his nerves relaxed a little. In the training school run by the bureau, they teach you how to observe words and emotions. "Sorry,
" I said, "it's like asking, 'How's the business?' but saying, 'How's the weather?'"
He was still very nervous. Sullen. "Business is okay. I write stories, they print them, and I benefit from them."
I poured myself a glass of wine and moved my upper body closer to him. "Actually," he said, "you have a good pen. I have read a few of them. You have a surprisingly clear style, and you look at things with the eyes of a good woman."
I had to take a risk. He never admitted what pen name he used. But maybe he was too irritated, so he only paid attention to the last few words. "A woman's eyes!" he repeated with a snort. "Yes, I understand women's perspective. I should
understand."
"Really?" I asked in surprise, "Do you have any sisters?"
< p> "No. You wouldn't believe it even if I told you.""That's right," I replied gently, "there is nothing rarer than the truth, and no matter how smart a bar owner is,
Theologians understand. Listen, young man, if you listen to my story, you'll be rich beyond belief."
"You don't understand. What does 'unbelievable' mean?"
"Nothing surprises me. I always hear the worst."
He snorted again. stand up. "Want to bet what's left in the bottle?"
"I'd bet the whole bottle." I put a bottle on the counter.
"Hey-" I called another bartender to take care of business. We sat in a small space at the end of the bar. I
stacked some barware, pickled eggs and other things in it, so this space was exclusively for my use.
At the other end of the bar there were a few people watching the fight and a guy tinkering with a jukebox—no one was paying any attention to the place. "Okay!" he began
to tell, "First of all, I want to explain that I am an illegitimate child."
"This is not unusual here." I said.
"I'm not kidding," he said hurriedly, "my parents weren't married."
"That's nothing unusual," I said again. "My parents weren't married either."
"At that time -" He paused and gave me an intense look, an expression I had never seen on him before. "Are you serious?"
"Seriously. A 100 percent illegitimate child. In fact," I added, "no one in my family has been." p>Married. They are all illegitimate."
"Don't try to overshadow me - you are married." He pointed at my ring.
"Oh, this." I stretched out my hand to show him, "It looks like a wedding ring; I wanted to avoid my children."
This ring is a I bought this antique from a colleague in 1985, and he got it from the Greek island of Crete
before Christ was born.
He glanced at the ring absentmindedly. "If you are really an illegitimate child, you know what it feels like. When I was a little girl
——"
"Hey——" I said, "I heard you right." ?”
“Who’s kidding you? When I was a little girl—listen, did you hear about Christine Jorgensen?
El?"
"Oh, gender change? You want to tell me-"
"Don't interrupt me, and don't push me, or I won't talk. I was an outcast, abandoned in an orphanage in Cleveland in 1945 when I was just one month old. When I was a little girl, I envied children with parents. I
When I understand the lust between men and women - really, old man, you can understand very quickly when you are alone in an orphanage -"
"I understand"
"I made a solemn oath that each of my children would have a father and a mother. So I behaved very 'purely', which can be said to be true in that environment. Saint - I had to learn how to maintain this situation. Later, when I grew up, I realized that I had almost no chance of getting married - again because no one would adopt me." He said. His face was tense
tensely, "I have a horse face, my teeth are crooked here and there, my chest is flat but not plump at all, and my hair is straight without any
bend."< /p>
"You look better than me."
"Who cares what a bar owner looks like? Or what a writer looks like? But everyone wants to claim it< /p>
The kind of blond little idiot that boys want is the kind of pretty face, bulging breasts, and a "you are so handsome
" charm. ." He shrugged. "I couldn't compete. So I decided to join Women's Congress."
"Huh?"
"Women's Crisis National Headquarters Tour Chapter, now people call it 'Space Angels'— —Alien Legion Auxiliary Nursing Team ”
I know both of these names, I’ve written them down once. It’s just that we are now using the third name, that
military-style elite service corps: Women’s Space Worker Support Corps. The biggest change in the time jump is the vocabulary change - did you know that "service station" used to refer to a testing station for petroleum isolates? Once I went on a mission during Churchill's time,
A woman said to me, "Wait for me at the service station next door" - this sentence did not mean what it means now, the service at that time< /p>
The station will never put a bed in it.
He went on: "That was when they admitted for the first time that it was impossible to send people to space for months or years without causing stress.
You remember the frenzy? How did the Puritans scream? - This increased my chances, for there were very few volunteers.
She must be a girl of good conduct, a genuine virgin (they have to train them from scratch), her intelligence must be above average, and her mood must be stable. But most of the volunteers are old prostitutes, or mental patients who will collapse within ten days of leaving the earth. So I don't need to look like that. If they accept me, in addition to their main task of training me to adapt, they will naturally correct my crooked teeth, perm my hair into waves, and teach me how to walk and dance.
It's such a pleasure to listen to men talk and all that. They'll even resort to plastic surgery if necessary - until our guy is perfect. "
"The best part is, they guarantee you won't get pregnant during your service - and you'll almost certainly be able to get married at the end of your service." It's the same today, an 'angel' marries a space worker - they get along with each other. "
"When I was eighteen years old I was assigned to be a 'servant of my mother'. The family needed a cheap servant, and
I didn't care, since I couldn't be drafted until I was twenty-one. I went to night school after doing my chores - purporting to continue the typing and shorthand lessons I'd taken in high school, but actually taking 'charm classes' to increase my chances of being recruited. "
"Then I met the urban hustler and his hundred-dollar bill. "He said sullenly, "This bastard does have a stack of hundred-dollar bills. One night he showed it to me and said I could use it as I pleased. "
"I didn't take it. I like him. He is the first man I have ever met who is nice to me and doesn't want to take off my pants. In order to
see him more, I dropped out of night school. This is the happiest time of my life. ”
“Then one night in the park I took off my trousers. "
He stopped. I said, "What happened next? "
"Then there was nothing! I never saw him again. He walked me home, told me he loved me - and kissed me goodbye, never to return. His face was very gloomy, "If I can find him, I will kill him!" "
I said: "I sympathize. I understand what you think. But kill him—just for the sake of something that is bound to happen—
—Well... did you resist? ”
“Hey, what does it matter?” "
"It does matter. He abandoned you, and his arms deserved to be scratched, but——"
"He deserves a heavier punishment than this! Listen, don't worry. I don't trust anyone anymore, I think everything is God's will. I didn't really love him, and probably I would never love anyone else - and I wanted to join the Women's Congress more urgently than ever. I wasn't disqualified, they didn't insist on being a virgin. I feel happy. ”
“I didn’t understand until my skirt was tight. "
"Pregnant? ”
“This illegitimate child makes me confused and confused. I don’t know what to do!” The stingy guys who lived with me didn't care as long as I could still work - but then they kicked me out and the orphanage no longer took me in. I entered a workhouse that housed many "big bellies" and lay bored on the bed waiting for that moment to come. "
"One night I was suddenly carried onto the operating table, and a nurse said to me: 'Don't be nervous. Take a deep breath. ’”
“I was lying awake in bed with no feeling below my chest. The surgeon who operated on me came in and said, 'How are you feeling? ’ he said cheerfully. ”
“‘Like a mummy’. ”
“‘It’s natural. You were wrapped tightly and given enough anesthetic to prevent you from feeling any pain. You’ll recover – not having a caesarean section is like a prick in your finger after all’. ”
“‘Caesarean section? ’ I said, ‘Doctor—is the baby dead? ’”
“‘Oh, alive. Your child is fine. ’”
“‘Hmm.
Boy or girl? ’”
“‘A healthy little girl. 5 pounds 3 ounces. ’”
“I’m relieved. Having a baby was somewhat of a relief. I said to myself, I should go to another place, add the title of 'Mrs. Go to the orphanage again
! "
"The surgeon is still talking. 'Tell me, this—' He avoided my name. ‘——Have you ever thought that your glandular tissue is somewhat special? ’”
“I said, ‘Oh? Of course not. What do you want to say? ’”
“He hesitated. ‘You take this medicine once, and then I’ll give you an injection to let you sleep, and your allergies will be cured
. I'll get it for you right now. ’”
“‘Why is this? ’ I insisted on knowing. "
"'Have you ever heard of that Scottish doctor who was a woman until she was thirty-five? Then she underwent surgery and became a legal and medical expert? a man. Married, everything is normal. ’”
“‘What does that have to do with me? ’”
“‘That’s what I’m going to say. You are a man. ’”
“I want to sit up. 'What? ’”
“Don’t be nervous. When I cut open your abdomen, all I saw was a mess. While I was taking out the baby, I sent someone to find the chief surgeon. We consulted with you right there on the operating table - for hours on end, doing everything we could to save your life. You have two complete sets of organs, neither of which are fully developed, but the female organs are quite fully developed, so you are pregnant
with a child. They were no longer useful to you, so we took them out and reorganized your insides to allow you to develop properly into a man. ’ He put a hand on me. ‘Don’t worry. You're still young and your
bones will adapt. We'll watch your glandular balance - and make you a great lad. ’”
“I started shouting. ‘What about my child? ’”
“‘Well, you can’t nurse her. Your milk isn't even enough to feed a kitten. If I were you, I would never see her again—
—and give her up for adoption. ’”
“‘No! ’”
“He shrugged. 'The decision is of course yours to make: you are her mother - well, her parents. But don't worry about it now
We'll get you back to health first. ’”
“The next day they showed me the baby, and I saw her every day—I tried to get used to her. I had never seen a newborn baby and had no idea they could look so ugly - my daughter looked like a little brown monkey. I calmed down
and decided to take good care of her. However, after a few weeks this no longer meant anything. "
"Oh? "
"She was stolen. "
"Steal? "
"Unwed mother" almost knocked over the bottle of wine we were betting on. "Kidnapped - stolen from the hospital nursery! "
He gasped, "What does it mean to take away the last hope of a person's life? "
"What a pity," I sympathized. "Let me pour you another glass. No clue? "
"The police couldn't find any clues. A man came to visit her, pretending to be her uncle. When the nurse turned her back, he hugged her and left. "
"What does he look like? "
"A man, with a very ordinary face, just like yours or mine. He frowned and said, "I wonder if he is the child's father." The nurse insisted that it was an older man, but he might have been disguised.
Who else would kidnap my child? Childless women sometimes take desperate risks - but who has ever heard of a man doing such a thing? "
"Then what will happen to you in the future? "
"I stayed in that damn place for another eleven months and had three surgeries. Four months later I started growing a beard. I was shaving regularly before I left
there...and I no longer doubted myself as a man. "He grinned and smiled bitterly.
"I started staring at the nurses' chests and looking inside. "
"Well," I said, "it looks like you got through it successfully. Now look at you, a normal man, making money and no big trouble. And a woman's life is not so easy. "
He stared at me and said, "You must know a lot! "
"What? ”
“Ever heard of the expression ‘a fallen woman’? ”
“Well, I heard about it a few years ago. It doesn’t make much sense now. "
"I was completely ruined like a fallen woman. That beast did destroy me - I was no longer a woman... and I didn't know how to be a man. "Just try to get used to it, I guess." "You don't understand." I'm not saying
learn how to dress and wear hats, or not to go to places where men and women are separated by mistake. I learned this in the hospital. Just how do I
live? What kind of work can I do? Hell, I can’t even drive. I don’t know any crafts and can’t do physical work—
—Most of the tissues in my body have undergone surgery and are very delicate. "
"I also hate him for ruining my hope of joining the Women's Federation. I didn't understand the seriousness of the matter until I wanted to join the Space Corps. One look at my belly was enough to mark me as unfit for military service. The medical officer wasted his time on me just out of curiosity. He had read reports about my medical case. "
"So I changed my name and came to New York. I first worked as a fry cook and then rented a typewriter to work as a company stenographer - how ridiculous! In four months I typed four letters and one manuscript. This manuscript was submitted to the magazine "Real People and True Stories". It was just a pile of waste paper, but the guy who wrote the story actually sold it. This gave me an idea.
I bought a stack of Confessional Stories magazines to study. He looked cynical now, "Now
Now you understand how I can have the perspective of a real woman when telling the story of an unmarried mother... I still retain it
With this perspective, a real perspective, have I won this bottle of wine? "
I pushed the bottle to him. I was a little anxious, and the matter was not over yet. I said, "Young man, do you still want to catch that heartless man?
"
His eyes were shining brightly - a wild and fierce light.
"Forget it! "I said, "You won't kill him, right? "
He chuckled, his voice sounding obscene. "Then judge me. "
"Wait a minute. I know more about this than you think. I can help you. I know where he is. "
He leaned over from the side of the counter and grabbed me, "Where is he?
I lowered my voice and said, "Let go of my shirt, young man—or you'll be in trouble." I'm going to tell the police you're drunk
. "I waved the stick.
He let go. "I'm sorry. Where is he? He looked at me, "Besides, how do you know so much?" "
"Everything in the world depends on the word 'smart'. I could see all kinds of records—hospital cases, orphanage files. You
The matron of that orphanage is Mrs. Featherath—is that right? She was later succeeded by Mrs. Grunstein - right? Your
name, your girl's name, was 'Jenny' - right? And you didn't just tell me all this - did you? ”
He was stunned and a little cowered by me.
"What do you mean? Do you want to trouble me?"
"No way. I really think about you. I can put this person under your nose. Whatever you think is appropriate
What to do with him - I'm sure you'd call him a bastard and tell him to get lost, but I don't think you'd kill him.
You'd be a fool - and you don't. Silly. Not stupid at all."
He didn't want to hear this. "Stop talking nonsense. Where is he?"
I gave him some more wine. He was drunk, but his anger outweighed his drunkenness. "Don't be so hasty. I'll do something for you -
You also do something for me."
"Um...what?"
< p> "You don't like your job. What would you do if you had a job with high salary, stable job, unlimited expenses, the ability to make independent decisions, and at the same time full of changes and adventures? Say?"His eyes widened. "I'd say, 'Stop with your fairy tales!' Fuck you, old man - there's no such thing as a job."
"Then , let's put it this way: I'll hand him over to you, you settle the grudge with him, and then try the job I do. If it's not like what I said - then fine, I'll let you do whatever you want. ."
His body was shaking. This was because of the last glass of wine.
"If you agree to the deal - now!"
He shook his head vigorously: "Agree to the deal!"
I motioned to my men to take care of the transaction. I wrote down the time: 23 o'clock - and leaned through the door under the counter - at this time
The jukebox played the song "I Am My Laozi" loudly. Because I didn't like the "music" of 1970, I asked the waiter to load early American songs and classical music on the record player, but I didn't know that the tape was still inside. I shouted,
"Turn it off! Give the customer his money back." I added, "I'll go to the storeroom and be back in a minute," and went straight there
< p>Going inside, the "unmarried mother" followed behind.After turning along the corridor and passing the toilet room, there is a storage room. There is an iron door in the room, and no one except my day manager and myself has a key.
No one has a key. There was a door inside that led to an inner chamber, and only I had the key. We got there.
He stared at the windowless wall with drunken eyes: "Where is he?"
"Right away." I opened a box, which was the only thing in the room. This is a 92 Series II
portable coordinate converter made in the United States - beautiful and neat, with a total weight of 21 kilograms and an appearance designed to fit into a suitcase.
I just adjusted it this morning. All I had to do was shake the metal mesh that limits the transform field.
I did this. "What is this?" he asked.
"Time machine." I said and threw the metal mesh.
"Hey!" he shouted and took a step back. There is a technique here. The metal mesh must be thrown out so that the relevant person will instinctively step backward
and step on the mesh, and then you will wrap up the metal mesh that has completely surrounded the two of you - otherwise You might
leave a shoe or a foot behind, or scrape up a piece of the floor. Of course, this technique is nothing to put it bluntly. Some agents use coaxing and deception to get relevant people into the network. But I told them the truth and took advantage of the other party's extreme surprise to activate the mechanism
. That's exactly what I did.
April 3, 1963, 10:30 in time zone 5. Cleveland, "Top of Ohio" building.
"Hey!" he yelled again, "Take this damn thing off!"
"I'm sorry," I apologized to him and folded up the metal mesh and put it in Lift the suitcase and close the suitcase. "You said you wanted to find
him."
"But - you said this is a time machine!"
I pointed out the window.
"Does it look like November here? Or does it look like New York?" While he was staring blankly at the green buds and spring colors, I opened the suitcase again and took out a stack of hundreds. I checked the serial number and stamp of the U.S. dollar bill with a denomination of 1963. They all match the year 1963. The Time Travel Bureau doesn't care how much you spend (it has nothing to do with it), but they don't like unnecessary anachronisms
to occur. If you make too many of these mistakes, a general court-martial will banish you for a year to a harsh era, such as 1974, which introduced strict food rationing and forced labor. Year. I've never made this kind of mistake
and there's no problem with the money. He turned back and asked me: "What happened?"
"He is here. Go outside and find him. This is money for you." I added as I handed it to him , "Stop it with
him, and then I won't pick you up."
Stacks of hundred-dollar bills have an almost hypnotic effect on a person who is not used to using them. . I sent him into the lobby. Tell him to relax and shut him out. He was still holding the stack of banknotes in disbelief. The next step is too easy, just a small step in the same era.
March 10, 1964, 17:00 in the 5th time zone. "Cleveland Top" building.
There is a notice under the door saying that my rental contract is expiring next week, but otherwise the room looks the same as before
. Outside, the trees were bare and the sky looked like it was going to rain. I was in a hurry and only stayed for a moment to take away the cash, jacket and coat I had left in the room I rented. I hired a car and came to the hospital. It took me twenty minutes to apply makeup before the nurse in the nursery became impatient, so I took advantage of her and stole the baby. We return to the Top of Cleveland building. This dial time device is more complicated because the building did not exist in 1945. But I
expected it.
July 20, 1945, 01:00 in time zone 5. Cleveland "Snow View" Hotel.
The time machine, the baby, and I all ended up in a hotel outside the city. I had registered earlier as "George Johnson of Warren, Ohio." So we came to a room with the curtains drawn and the windows and door closed. The floors were also
cleaned to withstand the irregular vibrations of the machines. Your body may bump into a chair that isn't supposed to be there and you'll get an unpleasant bluish patch - not the chair, of course, but the backwash of transform field energy.
All the best. Jenny is fast asleep. I took her out, put her in a food box that I had placed on the car seat, and drove to the orphanage. I put her on the steps, drove two blocks to a "service station," and called the orphanage. I was driving back just in time to see people from the orphanage taking food boxes in. I continued driving for a while, abandoned the car near the hotel, walked to the hotel and "jumped" to the 1963 "Cleveland Top" building.
April 24, 1963, 22:00 in the 5th time zone. "Top of Cleveland" building.
I divide the time very finely - the accuracy of the time depends on the span, except of course if you return to the starting point
. If I am correct, Jenny is discovering here on a balmy spring night in the park that she is not the "innocent" girl she once thought
. I hailed a taxi and went to where the cheapskates lived. I asked the driver to wait on the corner and hid in the shadows.
Soon I found them walking down the street, arms linked to each other. He picked her up at the door and kissed her good night for a long time - longer than I imagined. Then she went inside and he turned and walked down the sidewalk. I ran up the steps and grabbed one of his arms. “It’s over, young man,” I said calmly, “I’ll be back to pick you up.
"
"You! "He was startled and gasped.
"Me. Now you know who it is - and if you think about it you'll understand who you are... and if you think about it more, you'll guess who the baby is... and who I am. "
He didn't answer, and his body was shaking violently. When it turns out that you can't resist seducing yourself, it's a big shock to your spirit.
I took it with me He went to the "Cleveland Top" building and made another time jump.
August 12, 1985, 23:00 in Time Zone 5.
I woke up the sergeant on duty, showed him my ID card, and told the sergeant to give him a pill and have a good sleep before recruiting him the next morning.
The sergeant looked ugly, no. Rank is rank, it has nothing to do with the times. He did as I asked - no doubt thinking that the next time we met he might be a colonel and I would be a sergeant in our regiment. This is possible
"What's his name?" " he asked.
I wrote to him. His eyebrows rose. "Someone like this, huh? This—"
"You do your job, sergeant. ’ I turned to my companion and said, ‘Young man, your troubles are over. You just
get started doing the best job a man can have - and you'll do it well. I know. "
"But——"
"There are not so many 'buts'. Have a good sleep. Then consider this advice. You will love it. ”
“You will definitely do it!” "The sergeant agreed. "Look at me - born in 1917 - still strong, young and enjoying life. "I returned to the room where the time jump took place and dialed everything to the predetermined zero point.
November 7, 1970, 23:01 in the 5th time zone. "Dad's" Bar, New York City.
p>
I walked out of the storage room and took 1/5 barrel of Scotch whiskey Lijo, which marked the minute I left
My assistant was still with me. The customer who requested "I Am My Laozi" argued, "Forget it, let him play it, and then turn it off after playing it." "I am very tired.
This kind of work is indeed difficult, but someone must do it. Since the disaster in 1972, it has been difficult to recruit people recently
I closed the store five minutes early and left a letter on the cash register for my day manager saying I was ready to accept his idea, Relaxation. Don't tighten the string too much. He can call on my lawyer when I go on vacation for a long time. The main concern of the bureau is that things must be in order, and the income is secondary. The room inside the room, jump to the year 1993.
January 12, 1993, 22:00 in the 7th time zone.
p>I showed my ID to the duty officer and went in. I came to my apartment and planned to sleep there for a week. Before I wrote the report, I grabbed the bottle of wine we bet on (no matter what How can I say I won it?) I drank a glass. The wine tasted so bad that I wondered how I could have liked Lao En wine in the past. But it was better than nothing. I didn’t want to be like a stick. Being so awake, I was thinking too much
I dictated my report: all forty recruitment campaigns for the Space Corps had been approved by the Bureau. ——Including me
This time, I know it will be approved. I’m back now, aren’t I? Then I recorded a job transfer report on tape
. I am tired of the recruitment activities. I want to retreat.
My eyes fall on the "Time Code" above the bed:
Forever. Don't move what you have to do tomorrow to yesterday.
If you finally succeed, never try again
One second in time is better than nine hundred million seconds later
p>
Paradoxical things can be dealt with in paradoxical ways
Things have already happened when you think about them.
Ancestors are also mortals.
Even the true God sometimes falls asleep.
These words used to inspire me when I was a time merchant, but not now. Thirty years of time and space jumping
The involuntary life is completely exhausting. I took off my clothes and when my body was exposed I looked at my belly. The caesarean section left a long scar, but the hair on my body is so thick now that you won’t notice it if you don’t look carefully
Then I glanced at the ring on my finger.
The snake swallowed its own tail, and it started again and again. What is the beginning and what is the end... I know where I came from
But where did you come from? Where are you from, you soul-returning corpses?
I feel a headache coming on, but I don’t take headache medicine powder.
So I got into the bed, whistled and turned off the light.
You're not even there. No one else but me - Jenny - was alone in this darkness.
I miss you so much!
(End)