One of the stories of veterans: "three don't smoke"
I quit smoking a few years ago because of vocal cord surgery, but I finally got over the scar and forgot the pain, and started smoking again.
This reminds me of a platoon leader serving in the army. If a smoker can "smoke" like him, it is almost the same as "quitting smoking".
The platoon leader has "strict" requirements for smoking, which can be summarized as "three don't smoke": one day, spend money to buy cigarettes-don't smoke, just don't buy; Second, cigarettes are not good-if you don't smoke, you are asked to smoke, which must be good cigarettes; Third, don't quit-don't smoke, that is to say, people who quit smoking will cry and beg him to smoke.
Listen, you don't have to buy it yourself. If someone else bought it, ask him to smoke it. It must be a good cigarette. You have to beg him to smoke. It's not disgusting!
Just smoke like this. Think about it. How many cigarettes can he smoke a year?
According to my four-year observation, I saw him smoke once. That's a Zhonghua cigarette brought back by a comrade-in-arms in Beijing. That is a great "Greater China"! It can be seen that the standard of "good smoke" he demanded is really high enough.
Dear smokers, if you can also achieve "three no-smoking", this cigarette will almost "quit".
Couplets as evidence: "Father quit smoking, son quit smoking, father and son don't smoke;" Mother is happy, wife is happy, and the whole family is happy. "
The second story of the veteran: "Just a bowl of meat"
After reading this topic, it is hard for you to think that this is a person's nickname. This is something that our army 1955 has just implemented the rank system.
Three Shandong villagers stationed in a certain unit in Tonghua, Northeast China were awarded the rank of captain at the same time-that's happiness!
"Let's go to a restaurant", one of the suggestions. "Well, it's time to solve the problem!" The other two echoed.
The three men came to a decent restaurant in Tonghua and sat down. The waiter saw three officers and enthusiastically sent a "menu": "What would you like to eat? Please have a look at the menu first, I'll come right away! "
Three people with big eyes and small eyes, three illiterate people! I can't recognize several words together. How can this be good? You can't tell the waiter, "We can't read"!
One of them pointed to the two biggest words on the menu and said, "These two words are the biggest, and 80% of them are' stew'. Shall we order it? " The other two also said, "Good!"
The waiter suddenly returned to the table and asked politely, "Comrade of the People's Liberation Army, did you see it clearly? What to eat? "
Our officer held out his big hand and pointed to the first line of the menu: "That's it!" " "
The waiter smiled: "You are so funny, you can't eat this. This is the word' menu'. "
The three men looked at each other, blindsided. At this time, I can't think much. It was this guy who had a brainwave and thought that the one in front could not be eaten. I'll point from behind, point to a small line at the back and say, "Take this!" "
The waiter asked, "What else?"
I want to order something more, but I'm afraid I made a mistake. Fortunately, the waiter didn't say "no food" this time. The man replied, "that's it, three bowls!" "
The waiter left.
After a while, the waiter brought three bowls of radish soup.
In front of the waiter, the three men looked at each other, trying to laugh but not daring, and bowed their heads and drank soup.
After three bowls of soup, the waiter came over and asked, "What else?"
Our man, full of confidence, thought: I don't believe we can't touch the stew next to the brand. Thinking of this, he pointed to the bottom of the line just now: "That's it! So are three bowls. "
The waiter quickly brought three bowls of soup, this time egg soup. None of the three men said anything, but bowed their heads and drank soup, thinking: I can't eat stew today!
At this time, the waiter seemed to see something and walked away without hesitation, so he asked, "Would you like something to eat?" Each of you drank two bowls of soup. "
The man who ordered just now, no, it should be said that he ordered soup. This time, he finally couldn't hold back, thinking, "If you don't talk, there will be no chance today!" "
Seeing him, he seemed a little excited. He slapped the table hard and shouted at the waiter, "Just a bowl of meat!" "
The waiter completely understood this time. After all this trouble, he just wants to eat meat!
Of course, the three officers returned to the barracks full of food and drink, but since then, the man has been dubbed: "Just a bowl of meat!" "
When I was a soldier, this man was already the deputy head of our regiment. Of course, we dare not call him that, but his comrades-in-arms (some of whom are already higher-level leaders) still call him that when they meet.
This is a specific story left by a specific era, and today's soldiers will never have such a "lens" again.
The Third Story of the Veteran: I am an Exhaust Gun
1975 A new recruit came to our mortar class, from Tianchang County, Anhui Province. It is said that he studied at home for several years. Of course, it is not surprising to read any books during the Cultural Revolution.
When I came back from the first live-fire training, I saw him write a letter excitedly and ignored it. After writing a few lines, he showed it to me and said he asked if it was a leak.
I managed to read it (although it was only five or six lines), and there were about ten eight typos. It is inevitable that some people say "rare, don't wear Chairman Mao's badge on your head" (it should be "don't wear it on your chest"). I will never forget that after working as a mortar soldier for several months, he didn't know the pronunciation of the weapon he used every day, but told one of his relatives in a letter: "I was assigned to a gun platoon. Today, I fired a live ammunition (target), which really (shocked) my ear."
Seeing this, I don't really care about some typos. It's just that this "exhaust cannon" makes me angry. I asked him, "Who told you that our cannon is called an exhaust cannon?" He plausibly said, "I heard that you are all called' exhaust cannon' and' exhaust cannon'"?
I saw it as soon as I heard it. Maybe we usually talk too fast, and he did recognize it as an "exhaust cannon." I am speechless.
Originally, this matter ended here. I didn't expect the monitor who didn't open his mouth at this time to get angry with him: "You don't want to think about where this gun is exhausted, just fart!"
The recruit was unambiguous and said slowly, "monitor, this fart is exhaust!" " "
Oh!
The fourth story of the veteran: "I stepped on Liu Bei."
1976, our army carried out "earthquake relief" in Tangshan.
One day, we had just buried the dead in the suburbs, and everyone had not put down their tools. Some were holding shovels, others were holding pickaxes, and they were resting by the roadside.
At this time, an Anhui soldier seems to have made a major discovery. He poked the ground with a shovel and said to his comrades present, "Guess where I am now?"
Everyone thinks he is ill because he often jokes from time to time. I added, "Are you drunk?"
Seeing that no one could understand him, he was in a hurry. He seems to announce a big news to everyone: "I tell you, I stepped on Lao Liu!" " "
I get anxious as soon as I hear it. "Don't make fun of me!"
Seeing that I had misunderstood, he also explained to me as concretely as possible: "Hey, Lao Liu, I didn't mean you, I meant I stepped on Liu Bei"! He also bit the word "Liu Bei" clearly.
Everyone is very happy. Criticizing him, someone said, "Are you still standing on Liu Bei? Didn't you step on Zhang Fei? "
Only then did he realize that all this was caused by his southern accent in Mandarin. So, I saw him working hard in the same place, and the ground under his feet seemed to be really shaking. But everyone still didn't understand what it meant, so they used a shovel to pry open the floating soil where he stood, revealing yellow fur. Only then did we know that he was stepping on a buried cow.
The fact is clear: what he just said was "Liu stepped on his foot", but it was actually "old cow"; Liu Bei is actually Niu Bei.
"We all come from all corners of the country", but language communication in different regions sometimes really leads to misunderstandings. Fortunately, this is not an important thing. It would be terrible if a scout like Shenyang found a man in front, but reported to the head that he had found "a silver", while the southern correspondent heard that "there is a battalion in front"!
The fifth story of veterans: Stalin said: "China soldiers are great."
This is a real veteran, a volunteer fighting hero. In the early 1970s, he was already the head of a regiment of our army. At the end of 1950, in the second campaign to resist U.S. aggression and aid Korea, he led a platoon of soldiers to wipe out more than 200 enemies and seized 6 guns and 58 cars, but there were no casualties in this platoon. For this reason, he was awarded the title of the first-class hero of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea and the third-class national flag medal in June 1952.
This comrade has a legend: once he visited the Soviet Union with my military delegation. There were many war heroes in the delegation, and he was one of them. Stalin was still alive. After arriving in the Soviet Union, Stalin invited the China delegation to watch Soviet military performances, including a skydiving performance. Just listening to the thunder rolling in the blue sky, several planes were in a downwind formation, passing lightly over the ceremony area with a distance of only 5 meters and a height difference of only 1 meter. Planes are constantly changing formations in the air. All kinds of formation movements make up a beautiful "air ballet". Suddenly, from an altitude of 800 meters, a dozen Soviet paratroopers floated down, like spring buds in full bloom in the wind, like dancing fairies, umbrellas flying all over the sky, and fireworks flying all over the sky. The stunt performance of Soviet paratroopers made the soldiers in China clap their hands and cheer.
Stalin proudly asked through an interpreter: Do any friends in China know about skydiving?
The audience was silent. At this moment, our buddy (forgive me for calling him that) wants to earn some face for the soldiers in China, and thinks this thing is probably quite fun, right? Just said rashly: let me try!
The members of the delegation present were shocked and thought: When did you learn to skydive? But because all the troops are together and don't know each other well, no one has replied. Stalin took the man on the plane, put on his umbrella bag, and the plane returned to the blue sky.
When the plane flew to the specified height, paratroopers accompanied by Soviet troops began to jump down one after another. The Soviet officer in charge of commanding and leading the team signaled that he could jump. Our man looked out of the cabin door: his head was dizzy-not as romantic as he thought just now. Because of the language barrier, he shook his head and did not jump. Soviet officers thought he didn't fly high enough, so they ordered the plane to continue to climb. Finally, he and the commander were left in the cabin. Our old people can't jump. When he clenched his teeth and closed his eyes, he fell into the blue sky and white clouds. He only heard that he would open the umbrella bag after jumping, but he really didn't know how to open it-scratch it casually!
I saw him whizzing past all the Soviet paratroopers who jumped in front of him just now, and countless pairs of eyes on and off the stage of the viewing platform recognized him: the soldier who jumped last and got off fastest was China! People become restless. I wonder when this guy will open his umbrella. Who are you worried about?
Just then, I saw our hero, just less than 100 meters from the ground, and the umbrella bag suddenly opened! Ah! Everyone in China and the Soviet Union was relieved.
The hero landed and the audience applauded. Comrade Stalin said: China soldiers are really amazing! What a "war hero"!
The Sixth Story of the Veteran: "Watching a Movie"
When I was a soldier, there was a company quartermaster from Sichuan. This comrade has always used the sentence pattern of "doing something to something".
On one occasion, there was a movie on the big playground in the regiment, and our company happened to be led by the company commander on duty. After everyone gathered, he still had to talk about the matters needing attention. Finally, he couldn't help saying in Sichuan, "Next, let's go to the playground to see a movie." When he said this, he paused, perhaps aware of something inappropriate, but because he had already said the sentence "What do you want", he gritted his teeth and continued to say "Keep watching".
Since then, I often use this nondescript sentence pattern when joking.
Note: when reading this whole sentence, you should read it with a Sichuan accent, otherwise it will not taste authentic!
The seventh story of veterans: Is it warm with a stove?
A comrade-in-arms loves to wrangle. Once a stove was burning in the dormitory in winter. He didn't know what was wrong with him and asked everyone, "Do you think it is warmer with a stove or not?"
Everyone knows that he didn't say a good word, so he ignored him.
At this time, a comrade-in-arms happened to talk to him: "Of course, the stove is warm!"
He said solemnly, "I said, I haven't got a stove to keep warm yet."
This time everyone was anxious, and several people scrambled to ask, "What's the matter?"
The buddy replied: "You see: there is no stove in summer, and people are wearing shorts and vests;" Now that the stove is on, you are all wearing cotton-padded jackets and trousers. So I said-don't warm the stove. "
Hey! That's bullshit！ ?
Veteran's Eighth Story: Password
When the troops first moved to Hebei, they were nervous at night, and they were all live ammunition. After midnight, a Henan soldier stood guard at the gate of the military camp.
The sentry is close to our battalion's house. Suddenly, he heard a voice. He looked around very warily and found a black shadow standing beside the stable on one side of the barracks, coming towards him.
He thought, I can't see you standing in the dark? Quietly ask the shadow: password?
The other party didn't answer. As time goes by, the shadow is still moving forward. Our buddy picked up the gun and asked, "Password? Shoot if you don't answer me! "
Shadow still doesn't answer, keep approaching. Our comrades finally pulled the trigger: "bang" a gunshot, the shadow did not fall, no longer silent, but let out a scream and ran in the direction of the training ground!
The whole battalion of cadres and soldiers who were awakened by gunfire also ran out. The battalion commander came out with a pistol and asked loudly, what's wrong?
Not good! He understood: this is the donkey raised by the brigade!
Wait till you sob! Fortunately, I was so nervous-I missed it!
The ninth story of veterans: opportunity
After more than three months in the company, the division appointed our company as the "training pioneer company" of the whole division. Now, let's call it a "pilot company". The two chief of staff of the division and regiment are in our company-in order to sum up experience, it is extended to the whole regiment and division.
A good comrade-in-arms of the recruits in the same class, a Sichuanese, is taller than ordinary Sichuanese soldiers-1m 76 or so? People are smart, long and handsome, with nose and eyes. I call him "Little S".
After more than a month of training, the chief of staff of the regiment took Xiao S away-ready to be a guard. Unexpectedly, Xiao S was dumped by the head of the team on the same day and said to the chief of staff: You are familiar with Sanlian, so choose another one.
The next week, the head of the team took Xiao S to the division for a meeting, and the teachers took a fancy to it. When Xiao S came back to clean up, he went to be a doorman for the teachers.
The teacher was happy for a few days and was left behind by the commander when he took Xiao S to the army meeting.
Men, if they are lucky, can't stop it.
The story is not over yet: Xiao S left the regimental headquarters for less than a month and went to the military department. When a deputy commander of the military region (just transferred from our army six months ago) came to our army for inspection, he found that the commander had changed his guards. Asked about this matter, the commander also boasted to the commander: How did I jump "three levels" in a row? I robbed them!
Hearing this, the deputy commander said, good! I'll take it this time!
The commander is green: why?
The deputy commander said half jokingly, why do you Shandong people use us Sichuanese as guards? You'd better find one from Shandong!
Well, since then, Xiao S has entered the compound of Badachu in Beijing and has never seen it again. I don't know how to get along in the future.
The Tenth Story of the Veteran: "38.25"
The purser, from Sichuan, is a narrow-minded person. I once saw a roadside selling green onions, which cost 80 cents a catty. He came last, and when two or three people came to him, he took money from his pocket, but it was all steel. Count: twenty-three cents. There is still a penny to buy three pounds!
Difficulties can't stop the company chief. Spread the steel jumper on the palm of your hand and count the money while chanting: 3825, 3825.
People around think there is something wrong with this guy! The onion seller heard it, too, and no one paid attention to him. At this time, it has arrived.
The onion seller asked, "How much do you want?"
Purser: "Three catties!"
Three pounds of green onions, the purser stuffed a steel pullover in his hand into the hand of the onion seller: "38.25!" " "
The onion seller thought it was cheap this time and threw it into the money box without counting.
Everyone in the queue looked at the fool and smiled.
But just then, our flight attendant said, "Oh, dear! No, it should be 38.24. "
Everyone heard that he only counted "382.25,382.25", and he must have given him an extra penny. At this time, the onion seller had to take out a penny from the cash box and give it to him.
Hey! Obviously, I gave him a penny less, but he still gave him a penny. I lost two cents inside and outside!
Attachment: jingles arranged by soldiers for platoon leaders:
A platoon leader-working hard;
Second platoon leader-teaching by example;
Three platoon leaders-all talk and no action;
Flight attendant-beer eggs.
The 11th Story of Veterans: Popsicle Eating Competition
Next to our barracks is our regiment's chemical plant. Popsicles made for workers in summer to prevent heatstroke and cool down are also sold to cadres and soldiers in the camp.
One summer, several of us even discussed eating popsicles. I don't know who suggested it: holding a popsicle eating competition. The rule is: the cost of the competition is self-care (buy and eat), and the winner who eats the most is the champion. In the future, the first one can always ask the last one to buy himself a popsicle, and the last one can't refuse.
Ura！ Everyone was very happy, some signed up for the competition, and some went to watch the fun.
Later, about a dozen people went to the competition. At first, there were six or seven people, but after eating four or five ribs, some people died, and they all announced their retirement (otherwise, others would have to pay for it later! ), I only ate seven.
Finally, I was deeply impressed by the result of the competition:
The first place is the third platoon leader (Beijing nationality): 53;
The second place is a squad leader (Beijing nationality): 51;
The third machine gun squad leader (Changchun nationality): 2 1.
The most unfair thing is a monitor, only two are needed! You have to be called by the third platoon leader to buy popsicles at any time! I can't help it Who told him that his stomach was disappointing?
The twelfth story of the veteran: Is it the cow at home? or ...
In the mid-1970s, life in the military camp was boring. On one occasion, I chatted with several comrades in arms. I told a story that Beijingers and people from Shenzhou, Hebei boasted:
People in China asked, "How high is your overpass in Beijing?"
Beijingers: "That's high! If you drop an iron ball from the overpass on New Year's Eve, it won't land until the morning of the first day. Do you mean "high"?
People in China are stupid!
The Beijinger then asked, "It is said that your' big peach' in China is big. How big is it? When you have a chance, give me two to try! "
The shenzhou people laughed: "what? Bring you two? During the war, tens of thousands of troops did not finish a peach, and the remaining half of the peaches were rotten. Peach juice flooded several villages! Bring you two? Hey! "
It's Beijingers' turn to be stupid this time!
This is two people "bragging", but the topic of comrades-in-arms really turned to "cattle".
A comrade-in-arms in Shaodong, Hunan said, "Our hometown is especially good for cattle"!
Everyone asked, "What's the best way?"?
He said, "For example, my cows should wear straw sandals before going to the fields every day"!
"Ah?" Everyone is stupid!
At this time, a soldier in Jiange, Sichuan Province was unconvinced ("It is difficult to get through the Shu Road and go to the sky" refers to the sword gate of Jiange): "What is wearing straw sandals? My cattle have to drink two glasses of wine every day to go to the fields! "
At this time, a veteran who had been silent came up to them slowly: "Did you just say your cows?" Or your father? "He paused:" Also, also drink two glasses of wine? "
Veteran thirteenth tale: Encountering Dialect
In his first year as a soldier, he went to a tank regiment in Yixian County, Hebei Province for training and lived in the homes of ordinary people near the barracks. It rained the next day and I didn't go out for training. The landlord's children come to my room to play in the afternoon.
I asked him, "How old are you?"
A: "9 years old"
Q: "Did you go to school?"
A: "No."
Q: "Don't go to school at the age of 9?"
Answer: "Yes, I didn't ..."
The monitor may think that I ask too many questions and interrupt me and ask, "Did the children eat?"
The child replied, "Yes!"
Monitor: "What did you eat?"
Child: "steamed stuffed bun!" You look excited.
When the monitor saw that the child was willing to talk to him, he came to the spirit and asked him, "What's the stuffing in the steamed stuffed bun?"
The child is also quite simple: "No stuffing!"
We almost spit it out: is it called steamed stuffed bun without stuffing? That's bullshit！ Forget it, forget it, go home!
The child may have said something to his father after he left, and his father came in soon.
Let's just say, this boy is quite joking, and he even said that eating steamed stuffed buns was "stuffed"! How funny!
As a result, his father was even more funny: "It's a steamed stuffed bun, but there is no stuffing!" " "
Hey? As soon as I heard it, what happened?
I thought to myself, "What do you call stuffed buns?"
I really didn't bother anyone. The child's father said very seriously: "Steamed buns are called stuffing!"
Hey! Why don't we know such a simple truth
Moreover, a few days later, on the way back from training, we met primary school students after school, and I saw the son of the landlord in the team at a glance. Back in the yard, I asked him, "I asked you the other day, and you said you didn't go to school." Aren't you going to school? "
As a result, he told me: "it rained that day, but I didn't go to school!" " "
I'm so angry!
Veteran story 14: Dog Roasted Chicken
As soon as the recruits arrived at the company, they heard someone call a veteran of the company "dog roast chicken"
I thought to myself: this nickname is quite new. How did it come into being? I can't imagine what this means. It's over.
Later, the company gathered to call the roll, and I heard that the company commander was also called "dog roast chicken", and the veteran also replied: "Here!"
I think it's strange. How can you call people by their nicknames? It's incredible.
Ask the veterans in our class, and they say that his name is "dog roast chicken"!
Everyone called it that, and he agreed.
Because I'm not familiar with it, I don't ask much.
After a while, I finally got a chance to ask him himself, "What's your name ..."
He is very frank: "dog roast chicken"!
I thought to myself silently: Does anyone really have such a name?
I tried to say, "What are the three words?"
He smiled: "Do you think my name is' dog roast chicken'?"
Listen, call me "thought", even though I just called it "dog roast chicken"!
When he saw that I didn't understand, he used a tree fork to write the words "Gou Ji Shao" on the ground.
Hey, these are three words that have been bothering you for a long time! It turned out that I thought people were called "dog roast chicken" from the beginning, and the more I listened to it, the more I liked it.
Through this matter, I think: the name should still be based on my last name. The same name, Zhang's name sounds good, but Li's name is not necessarily appropriate.
Later, when I met the veteran, I joked with him and told him what I meant: "Your surname is Gou, it doesn't matter, but you don't want to be less lucky!"
This sentence should be put aside, that is: your surname is dog, it doesn't matter, you don't want to roast chicken!
The fifteenth story of veterans: soldiers who grow vegetables
Every company in the field army has a small piece of "private plot" to grow food and subsidize the company's food. We even have a soldier from the countryside who has been a soldier for six years and planted vegetables for six years-just because he grows vegetables well and grows strong, cadres and soldiers all praise him for his skill and have won the third class merit!
Unexpectedly, what this comrade said before he retired from the army made the cadres and soldiers of the company feel particularly sorry for him and made everyone feel bad.
Before retiring from the army, the whole company held a general meeting to see the veterans off. He spoke on behalf of the veterans, which was quite good. Everyone applauded, but at last he said, "If I had known that being a soldier was to grow vegetables, I might as well let my father come.". He grows vegetables better than me. "
Hearing this, I cried at that time.
I think, after these years, he may feel how wronged he is! Soldiers, who don't want to participate in military training!
Hey! My comrade-in-arms, your grievance is too great!