First, "Pan Dong" broke up, followed by Wang Shi's mistress rumor, and "celebrity marriage change" became a hot topic recently. Interestingly, after the news of Wang Shi's marriage, another real estate tycoon, Pan Shiyi, mentioned that he was frequently questioned by the media about his feelings about Wang Shi's marriage: "He fell in love and let me talk about feelings? Are you kidding? " Zhang Xin, Mrs. Pan, said: "Mr. Wang is in love, and there are a lot of netizens who are * * * on the Internet, so let me take care of Lao Pan. Yeah, why isn't anyone worried about Lao Pan? " Compared with some distracted ex-wives, Zhang Xin, who worked as a child laborer in Hong Kong at the age of 14 to earn money, later obtained a master's degree from Cambridge University and married Pan Shiyi as an "elite turtle", no one would doubt that even if she divorced Pan Shiyi, her future path would not be much worse.
In view of the high divorce rate in the United States, J Donald Walters, a famous lecturer and spiritual mentor, put forward the concept of "open marriage", arguing that the greater the satisfaction people get in marriage, the more creativity they are inspired by marriage, and the higher the durability of marriage.
The basis of new marriage is "mutual stimulation"
It is precisely because of this that marriage may not become a "besieged city" for two people, but a "joint venture company" with development potential. Without this interaction, marriage can only become one person's "sole proprietorship" or two people's "independence".
Dr. Walters has a pair of good friends who have lived together for many years. However, when people around them suggested that they get married, they said that they had seen too many failed cases-a couple had been faithful to each other for several years, but once they read their vows at a grand wedding, they quickly parted ways-which made them have a serious "fear of marriage" mood. They interpret these failed marriages in this way: those couples have their own ideas about marriage, and after they get married, they start from these assumptions and have new expectations for their partners, for example, both of them are wondering what the other party owes them. "Before marriage, the combination of two people is based on the spirit of mutual freedom; After marriage, this foundation becomes what you can get from each other. "
Walters told the fear of marriage couple that the tragedy happened because the parties had a wrong understanding of marriage. "If marriage wants to succeed, it must be based on freedom, not on mutual sense of obligation. Another expression of obligation is bondage. When the husband and wife face each other and think' what benefits can I get from marriage', love will go with the wind. Unfortunately, people have not even been taught to think about this problem from a broader perspective. On the contrary, there is an increasingly common trend in today's society. Everyone is paying attention to what the world can give us, rather than what we can do for others and the world to make our living environment better. "
At the moment when the social and cultural changes and the divorce rate remain high, Walters, like many sociologists, agrees that the system of marriage, like many social norms, faces deep challenges. In the past, marriages based on "feeling good" and "meeting each other's needs" often led to disappointing results. Walters' core view is that a new type of successful marriage should inspire the brightest side of each other. "In the past, many marriages were comfort-oriented, not for human development. Nowadays, in the face of global crisis and upheaval, it is time for partners to grow up and meet new challenges. "
Be alert to the danger of marriage "contraction"
Suppose there is a couple, the husband is more successful in his career, and the wife focuses more on the family. In order to prevent her husband from having an affair, the wife either adopts the method of tracking and chasing, or asks her husband to reduce going out to socialize, trying to "tie" her husband to her side. The future of this "contracted" marriage is not bright.
Extramarital affairs have become a major cause of high divorce rate. How to face the temptation of the outside world together is an important topic between husband and wife. Walters believes that the external influence of the natural world creates two trends of "contraction" and "expansion", which is inevitable. On the other hand, the "contraction" and "expansion" of our own consciousness are not determined by objective nature, but by ourselves.
Take the wanton "expansion" of extramarital affairs as an example. Traditionally, husband and wife, especially the more successful one, face more external temptations. In many film and television dramas, a wife's so-called "marriage defense war" is, to put it bluntly, "the little three strikes back." If the wife asks her successful husband to retreat to the family, in order to resist the temptation of the outside world; Or beat a mistress away and drag her husband home. What are her chances of a happy marriage in the future? Walters analyzed: If the negative reaction of husband and wife is not to each other, but to the outside world, then they will undoubtedly create a bigger dilemma for themselves. It is a pity that a marriage ends in divorce, but it would be a complete tragedy if both husband and wife share the negative energy and then completely separate themselves from the objective reality. Because in this case, their respective "contractions" will only be superimposed and then upgraded. In other words, the key point of extramarital affairs is not the external temptation, but the husband and wife.
In Walters' view, outward expansion has always been the impulse of human nature, while contraction and degradation, as a spiritual attitude, are contrary to this. "Marriage itself should be an integrated and expanded process. Two hearts are combined with each other, and then more people are introduced to join them, such as children. Shrinking attitude towards life is a kind of degradation, because it means rejecting the challenges in life, and at the same time facing the challenges with a self-protection attitude, which eventually leads to the weakening of self-cognition. "
since "contraction" can't solve the problems in marriage, the problem that couples have to face is how to cooperate to complete "expansion". "Couples in marriage will have a good life if they can look at marriage from the perspective of self-expansion."
The experiment supports the theory of "self-expansion"
Arthur Aronbock, a professor of psychological relations at Stony Brook University in the United States, and his colleagues designed such a scale and described seven pairs of circle combinations. The first pair of circles is that two circles are close to each other and do not intersect; The next six pairs of circles began to overlap each other, and the overlapping area became larger and larger. The last pair of circles almost completely overlap. The researchers asked the couples to choose the circle combination that best represents their relationship, and found that couples who are tired of marriage are more likely to choose the circle combination with smaller overlapping area; Couples who are experiencing novel and interesting experiences are more likely to choose one of the overlapping circle combinations, which means that their marriage is unlikely to be boring. "People have the fundamental motivation to improve themselves and supplement themselves. If your partner helps you become an excellent person, you will become happier and more satisfied in your marriage. "
Walters' view of "open marriage" has also been echoed by other scholars. Dr Arthur Aron put forward the concept of "self-expansion". It is believed that it is not love or loyalty that maintains the relationship between husband and wife. "The level of responsibility shown by an individual in the relationship between marriage and love depends on the degree to which the other half promotes his life and broadens his horizons."
Researchers at Stony Brook University conducted a series of experiments to promote self-expansion. Some couples are arranged to do some ordinary work, while others take part in a boring game, in which the couple are tied together to crawl on the mat and asked to push a foam drum forward with their heads during the crawling process. Because the researcher tampered with the game, in a limited time, the subjects failed to complete the task successfully in the first two times, and finally reached the finish line smoothly after the third attempt, with a sense of accomplishment.
Before and after the experiment, the researchers tested the relationship between marriage and love. Compared with those couples who have never experienced the joy of success together, those couples who have participated in games and shared their success have higher satisfaction with their feelings and marriage. They come to the conclusion that those couples who are willing to explore and try new things are more likely to experience self-expansion and thus enhance their sense of responsibility in marriage and love.
Dr. Aron pointed out: "People start a marriage, let another person become a part of our life, and let us constantly expand ourselves, which is why people who are in love can have a long talk all night and are very happy and tireless. Therefore, those couples who have lost * * * can rediscover the good old days by participating in some challenging activities together. "
"career couple" is more stable
During Obama's second presidential campaign, one of his trump cards was "the most popular American politician": his wife Michelle. At a time when there are more and more families where husband and wife are both people in the workplace and professional women are getting more and more attention, the combination of "Obama and Michelle" is considered by the American public as an ideal marriage formula.
divorce war, a screenwriter who was broadcast live on Weibo, has attracted great attention. In addition to the appearance of mistress, Liu Liu did not implicitly say that divorce was due to the imbalance of "men are lower and women are higher". "It's not his problem, but I walked too fast. People are standing at the same starting line at the beginning of love, but people are like running water, or rushing or soothing, running and running, and they diverge. Just like the Yangtze River and the Yellow River, the birthplaces are separated by a few miles, and the estuaries have already gone north and south. "
of course, we can't blame Liu Liu's vanity. In fact, with the gradual improvement of women's position in the workplace, if we can understand that Wang Shi, who has achieved great success, fell in love with the "post-8 s" actress, why can't Liu Liu, who has achieved great success, be allowed to publicly point out that her ex-husband "can't keep up with his own footsteps"?
The concept of "open marriage" and "self-expansion" may sound selfish, but it can produce a stronger and more sustainable marriage relationship. In the real estate industry in China, Pan Shiyi and Zhang Xin are well-known career couples. Unlike other celebrity wives, Zhang Xin was a successful professional woman before she met Pan Shiyi, and Pan Shiyi's later fortune was half of her credit. This marriage, which was not optimistic from the beginning, faced several collapse crises. When Zhang Xin had the worst quarrel after two years of marriage, she chose to go home and have children, thus resolving the first marriage crisis. After his son went to kindergarten, he returned to the company, but retired from the front of the stage to the back of the scene, giving full play to his specialty in architectural art and space design, and made the first model room of the domestic real estate industry. As a result, many people liked the model room she designed and lined up to buy a house. Zhang Xin herself was also praised by the media as "the provider of innovative buildings".
One of the achievements of "open marriage" is to give both husband and wife enough energy instead of one depending on the other. After Wang Shi, Pan Shiyi also fell into the "illegitimate daughter" storm. However, if Pan Shiyi wants a divorce, it is not entirely a "clean house", and even the company may be split. Zhang Xin's chances of winning are still great.