In daily life and social interaction, most relationships between people are in the process of dynamic game, calculating gains and losses and considering advantages and disadvantages.
Story1. In the theory of chameleon
ABC, different understanding of the phenomenon leads to different actions. In the process of getting along with the relationship between people, excessive speculation or temptation will only make the relationship chaotic, and even make the relationship develop to the point where it is irreparable.
Story2. Old driver's words
"A person can only control his own behavior." "What one person can give to another person is only information." In your mind, no matter how many times you have had a tsunami-like experience with him. However, his will will not change because of your thoughts. All you can control is your own behavior, and his will can only be transferred by the information you give him.
ABC theory tells us that how to explain things determines everything. Therefore, the way to avoid the variable-speed dragon is to make a reasonable analysis of the current situation according to your own goals, and then follow the trend and guide the situation to develop in the direction you want.
Story3. The road of least resistance
Nature is so harmonious and unified.
Newton's third law not only applies to classical mechanics, but also satisfies the relationship between people. Action and reaction always appear in pairs. Correspondingly, when pursuing a person enthusiastically, it will cause an invisible pressure to the other party, and the other party will often show resistance.
as stated in ohm's law, the current will pass through the line with smaller resistance. Human nature usually chooses the path of least resistance to accomplish a thing.
We all live in such an environment dominated by laws.
in the face of nature, human beings must admit their own smallness, and their persistence will only get revenge from nature, which is counterproductive. In the face of the ecosystem of human relations, the same is true. Therefore, following the trend has become one of the principles that we need to abide by in our relationship activities. It is difficult for BMW sellers to sell their cars to Volkswagen. Because of the distance, long-distance love will encounter greater resistance in love than in the development of ordinary couples' relationships.
the principle of daily relationship
in daily communication, we should have an "objective object", which is not about people, but about things together, not about people.
people's psychology determines that when a person is treated excessively, he will have resistance due to pressure. And through one thing (objective object) as a communication channel, this embarrassment can be well resolved and the fight-or-flight mode can be avoided.
don't talk hard and don't do soft things. Trying to win "victory" in words will only increase the distance of the other party. Explicit words will only increase the embarrassment when meeting and hinder the further development of the relationship.
hint. In this society with rapid economic development, no one wants to ask you good night and be caring and attentive every day for no reason. A very simple sentence is actually enough to express the state of "my heart is pleasing to you". Blindly "attacking" will make the relationship between the two sides enter the "path of least resistance" mode. Giving each other space properly can also help them get through the slow fever period, especially for boys.
Love yourself
It is difficult for a person who loves himself to love others. If you go against your own personality to please others in your feelings, you will not please yourself or others. On the contrary, it will cause an emotional kidnapping. Only when you take care of yourself well can you create a happy and beautiful experience for each other.
no giving, only sharing.
the psychology of giving will unconsciously lead to emotional blackmail in the relationship, which is not only reflected in the relationship between men and women, but also in the relationship between parents and children. Sharing psychology can avoid making the other person feel pressure and avoid emotional kidnapping.
each has its own journey, and the benevolent loves others.
It's not that you will be happy if you have her, but that your experience together makes you happy.
A benevolent person treats himself as a human being, and treats others (boyfriend and girlfriend, superiors and subordinates, partners) as human beings. Love yourself and others.
Xueba Cat named this course "Shun Mao Class", and it was also very grounded. In fact, I personally feel that it is rich in profound relational philosophy, and any part of it can become the way of life in Chinese studies. So I prefer to call it a "relationship class". In the course, Xueba Cat shared her own understanding of the way of life and the viewpoint of "benevolent love", and pointed out that the ways of getting along with each other, partners and leaders are actually the same, so I would like to talk about my feelings here.
if you want to establish a harmonious and long-term relationship with each other, then please remember the following things.
don't please, don't threaten, don't control and don't be persistent.
please, on the one hand, will make the other person feel that this feeling is not so precious, and more importantly, this behavior will make the other person feel a sense of helplessness. And this sense of pressure will have a great impact on the relationship between the two sides. The theory in The Road of Least Resistance also says that action and reaction always appear in pairs, and the more you try to please, the stronger its reaction. In addition, please is a kind of performance that you don't love yourself, because you feel that you are not good, or that some of your conditions don't match each other, so you want to make up for the gap in their relationship by please. However, the Matthew effect tells us that "whatever you have, you should double it to make it redundant, and whatever you don't have, even what you have should be taken away."
Emotional kidnapping is an overdraft of goodwill towards both parties. Normal people don't want their actions or wishes to be dominated by others, and emotional kidnapping is an act of trying to force the other person to obey your wishes in an emotional way. In daily life, there are many examples of emotional kidnapping, such as "public confession", "jumping off a building show" for leaders, and the most helpless sentence "I'm actually doing this for your own good, …". Count the scenes where the above three things happened in life, and which one turned out to be satisfactory. People must admit their smallness, and all we can do is follow the trend. In the movie, Ning Caichen and Nie Xiaoqian's different personalities decide that they just can't be together. In real life, two people who belong to different circles need to fight against each other with great resistance. If you have to sell Audi to the people who open Alto, the result is either that one side is very painful or that both sides are very painful. In addition, it is even more foolish to underestimate each other's IQ and try to influence each other's behavior through some emotional means. It is not only an emotional threat to the other party, but also gradually loses trust.
without persistence, how can you explain that one thing determines everything? In class, a discussion about boys/girls issuing good people cards is very interesting. The understanding of the same thing between boys and girls is so different. When girls send out a good friend card, they are more inclined to express "give him a chance and then observe." When boys send good cards, they are more inclined because they are unwilling to take responsibility (boys subconsciously have a "responsibility burden"), but they are unwilling to lose such a friend. The same event A, because of the difference of B, has different results. Therefore, the matter itself may not be as you think, so persistent will only affect people's judgment.
basics
I especially like the sentence that Xueba Cat said, "I want to finish my life, and you want to finish your life. It's just this paragraph, we go together. My torch lights your way, your song warms my journey, and together, we explore the world more boldly. We are wonderful memories of each other's journey, but we feel that it is not the key purpose or significance of each other's journey. The purpose of being together is not to get each other. The concept of "getting each other" is wrong in itself. People are free, and it is meaningless to simply acquire body, emotion and even "sex". The body is a skin, and the kidnapped feelings will only cause cracks in the original intimate relationship, and after a night of passion, it will bring endless holes in the heart. Being together is not to get, but to create an unprecedented beautiful experience. There is no gain or loss, no pay or gain.
love yourself
in the process of getting along, the best form of relationship is that two people can create a beautiful life experience together. However, it is impossible for a person who doesn't love himself to create a happy experience with others. Such people will feel inferior in the process of getting along with each other, so there will be flattering behavior. I feel insecure, so I hope to control everything in my own hands. There will be gains and losses, so we will try our best to influence each other's behavior in various ways. However, these behaviors often get bad results. A person who really loves himself, even when he is alone, will gently sort out his body, his life and his emotions. In this state, there will be no flattery, no emotional kidnapping, and no attachment to each other. With you, we will work together to create a better experience. My life is still beautiful without you. A person who really loves himself won't worry. What if the other person has an affair? Does the other person have other ideas? Does the other person have no feelings for me at all? These similar problems. What can you do if the other party is cheating? What can you do if the other person doesn't love you? "What a person can control is only his own behavior." "What one person can give to another person is only information." A person who loves himself will only have one choice for these problems-"cold salad". For those who love themselves, relationships are unconsciously attracted, and everyone is willing to get along with people who can bring happiness to themselves.
expanding the circle
in the process of interacting with people, it is necessary to have an objective object. Having an objective object can not only make the progress of the relationship less embarrassing. And if two people don't go at people, but at an objective object, there will be no "good friend card" issued. If you go straight to the subject, on the one hand, it will cause an invisible pressure on the other side, and in the other side's subconscious, you will feel, "Why is she good to me for no reason?" "Isn't it a little hasty for me to promise her so easily?" "Maybe there is something better?" On the other hand, going straight to the subject determines that there must be one person conquered by another, and there must be victory or defeat. Therefore, it is very important to have an objective object in the process of communication, which can be used as a carrier of relationship progress. This carrier can not only bring happiness to both parties, but more importantly, it naturally creates many opportunities for you two to meet and be alone. For example, a boy must know how to take pictures, or become an old gourmet driver in his own city.
Patience
I read the story of Big Sister, a Japanese airport cleaner, shared by Xueba Cat in the group. Taking things easy is the secret for Big Sister to improve her skills. Born from the heart, a patient and calm person, his tone of voice, body language and decisions are obviously different from those who are not calm. When you get along with people, you can't worry. Too eager pursuit of one side will put pressure on the other side and make the other side resist. And under the premise of having a wide circle and taking care of your state, all you need is patience.
The correct relationship between men and women
The correct relationship between men and women should be like what Teacher Xueba Cat put forward in class, "Intimacy is nothing more than profound friendship, plus romance and sexual relations." Going straight to the subject will cause embarrassment in the relationship between the two sides, and loveless sex will hurt each other. The development of a correct relationship between men and women should be that each other knows something, and because the other person is in tune with himself, it develops into an intimate relationship. On the basis of this relationship, two people work together to boldly create a beautiful experience belonging to two people.
The correct relationship between superiors and subordinates
and the principle of getting along with leaders and the opposite sex are the same, and flattering and threatening will not work. For example, I intend to close the relationship with leaders through "giving gifts". Then the question comes at this time. What and how much is appropriate? Giving gifts is too ostentatious, and leaders may not even open the door to avoid suspicion. Sending special products, the leader thinks it's too much trouble to owe you a favor for this thing. If you send money directly, first, the general leader is generally not short of money, and the result of sending money is that either he can't stand it or you can't stand it. Second, if the leader is short of money, it is equivalent to throwing money into a bottomless pit. A leader is a human being, and he will have troubles. The correct relationship between superiors and subordinates should be to know what is the obstacle to establishing close relationship with leaders, and then quietly understand the obstacle.
correct cooperative relationship
I remember that in the wealth class, the teacher once said a word. It probably means that "the more a person makes contributions to others, the more wealth he gets, and wealth comes with contributions." The correct cooperative relationship should be that the two sides take the success or failure of one thing as the core, underestimate their own gains and losses, and win with mutual benefit.
Here's a story about an old driver I met at work. Once, a colleague like me, who had not been in the company for a long time, went on a business trip to provide technical support for a private enterprise with extremely backward technical ability. The owner's supervisor is a female leader in her forties. After seeing her for the first time, her colleagues introduced themselves and explained their purpose. Different from previous projects, we started to discuss technical solutions directly. After listening to his self-introduction, the female leader of the other party looked at him and said brightly, recently, a friend of her as a boss asked her to find a partner for her daughter who had just returned from studying abroad. The female supervisor felt that he was particularly suitable and praised him for his good looks and promising youth ... Colleagues refused for their own family reasons, but they still held a little expectation in their hearts. Then my colleagues had a good impression on this elder sister who met for the first time, and soon established a good working relationship. In the course of the next project, colleagues worked hard on the project, showing all kinds of practical and capable, and soon the project was successfully completed. Later, when he returned to the unit to chat with other colleagues, he realized that all young engineers who had been to this unit had the same experience. In fact, when the teacher talked about cooperation that day, the first impression that came to my mind was this story. On the first day of the project, the female supervisor didn't get involved in the work immediately. She first found a blind date topic (objective object) and established a relationship with each other. Then, as soon as it was smooth, everyone was willing to work overtime to finish the work.
an unknown question
why do some boys have an unwarranted "sense of responsibility" for themselves or the opposite sex? They often say, "I won't make a promise easily, and if I make a promise, I will realize it at a little bit" and so on. However, the end result may be that nothing has been realized.
A trip to Guangzhou
Seeing that the course of 3. is drawing to a close, I happened to have nothing to do at the weekend, so I decided to go to Guangzhou to listen to a class. The feeling of attending lectures on the spot is really different. The vitality and expressive force of Xueba Cat infected all the students on the spot. After listening to the class, almost everyone has the same feeling, that is, because the course is so wonderful, I want to find a less critical moment, and I have no chance to go to the toilet. I can only sigh that my bladder is too small. In addition, it is set up next to public toilets.